I went to bed last night feeling really full and my mind swarmed with thoughts of how I would weigh more this morning and blah, blah, blah. Well, I woke up this morning and first off my tummy was not agreeing with me so it was a little more active than normal. I knew this would affect my weight but that didn't hold me back. Nope...instead I did the one thing I desperately need to stop doing, I went and weighed myself.
Now (as silly and disgusted as I am that I did this) I prayed before I weighed. I
I didn't lose. I know, I know this is good. But honestly it doesn't feel like it. I know other people will be cheering about this. And they will try to comfort me by saying that at least I didn't balloon like I always think and that since I am maintaining and not gaining really I do need more....but I am just not seeing that. It's not that I want to weigh less....I know how dangerous that is....but with maintaining my weight comes the fear it won't last and somehow my weight will shoot up, and then with gaining comes well the fear of gaining. So I am stuck with only being happy losing weight.
Why am I still so obsessed. Why can't I just be free...just accept weight gain. It's like this is the one hurdle standing in my way. I don't want to use numbers but I am significantly underweight....like by a lot. Each lb I lose gets me further and further away from being able to run again. It makes the weight gain scarier and scarier because the amount I have to gain gets larger and larger. Yet losing weight is what I desire. I think it's because it justifies me eating....it calms me and shows me I can eat food and my body does know what to do with it.
But it's getting ridiculous. It's becoming the reason I don't drink a lot of fluids at night now because I am scared what the scale will say the next day. Then there is the fact that I know I shouldn't weigh every day, but I am too scared to drop down to every other day. When did this grab hold of my life again? Why can't I just let it go?
I mean I guess its my one last form of control, but I feel more out of control when I weigh. Even when I lose my brain doesn't say I need more, it says it is fluctuations and will come back or blames it on being more active or something. Of course if I went to not weighing every day I couldn't write it off as fluctuations. And then when I gain even the slightest it's NEVER fluctuations. It's always a particular food or triumph that is to blame. Please....if you don't weigh please don't start. And if you do, please stop. I wish I was strong enough too...but right now I feel chained to this damn scale.
I need it to reassure me I can eat, but the reality is I only get that assurance when I lose weight....and with day to day fluctuations....daily weighing is never guaranteed to give me the reassurance even if I deserve it. Even if its fluctuation gain and not real gain. And then there is the fact that I have to gain weight. I don't know how I am going to find reassurance then? How am I going to justify eating more than enough.....eating enough to gain weight. I am not sure, but I have to find a way.
So I don't know why I posted this....I just needed to get out my frustration with the scale. I am tired of it ruling my every thought and tired of being so chained to it. Every morning it's the same routine and I am sad to say its gotten back to the point that it determines my mood. I am also frustrated that I am not trying to cut down to every other day...I am not even looking at it as a possibility. Yet I know deep down I need to do that, then cut down to a few days a week, then once a week, and then only with N. But right now I am going to try and claim victory by not letting the numbers that flashed at me this morning determine my day. I am going to pray through this poor decision, forgive myself, and forge on. Guess, right now, that's the only way to begin to break these chains.