So let's start with Sunday. It was my last day of the "experiment" of giving in to my meal plan. Well...Sunday was rough. Basically...it hit me how much I had been restricting and it also hit my GI system quite bad as well. I had some not so pleasant, completely involuntary stomach things happen and was in excruciating pain. Still though....I pushed through and did the whole plan. You know what this taught me? How strong I am when I give my strength over to God and when I rely on His strength and the strength of others around me.
And then it came time.....time to "face the music" as I felt it was. I should have known that with that mentality weighing myself on Monday was totally ED geared...but I did it. And my weight was up more than I was comfortable with and I jumped right back into ED. I tried to take back control of my meal plan by lowering to what I deemed "acceptable." Why do I say tried? Because I in no way gained any more control. Despite getting N approval for decrease (which I found out at our appt today was just because she knew I would do what I wanted to either way and was done fighting with me)...I didn't feel okay. I knew in my heart it was wrong and too much of a decrease. But I did it. And guess what...I was hungry all day and though more about food than I had all weekend. I didn't feed my hunger but avoided it with my old anorexic methods. I am not proud of it at all.
Come Tuesday I was using my new plan to confine me. Besides having an overwhelming hunger and craving that had persisted since Monday (and even woken me in the night) to eat a dining hall bagel, I avoided it. My mind was enthralled back in the dieting mentality that I needed less and had to get rid of the weight I had lost. I am not in any way proud of this. But also....Tuesday brought a lot of breakthrough. Because I realized I was miserable and so ultra-focused on food I couldn't concentrate. Why was this? Because I was trying to control my food again. I realied right then, that I could easily escape this mental obsession...by trusting my nutritionist. By letting her do her job. I am not a dietitian, I have 14 years of experience not knowing what the hell to do with food, and have an absolute terror of weight gain.....I am the epitomy of someone who should not be in charge of food and nutrition decisions. Yet that is what I try and control. All weekend, despite being in pain and eating more....I didn't think about food. My N had made this plan and I was going to stick to it. I gave her control, trusted her with my food...and concentrated instead on living life. Friends pointed out to me I was talking more about dreams and my future and not food and calories. But this came when I gave over the control (the opposite of what ED says).
Then there was the other realization I had that I was letting meal plan restrict me. You see I was desperately hungry and obsessing about eating dining hall bagel (something I removed from plan) all day....but I didn't want to "cave in." That's how I was looking at nourishing my body...as "caving in." Why? Because I had made this plan and decided body didn't deserve any more. Because in treatment..you can't eat more than your meal plan....you can't eat less but can't eat more either....it is law. So I have almost been institutionalized in my eating and any meal plan I have (either made by me or dietitian) I treat as law. Luckily...I have a major genetics exam and by the end of the night couldn't take the obsession and I did enjoy a dining hall bagel. I dealt with the yelling in my head of my failure (even though really was triumph) and accepting fear of weight gain (which the opposite actually happened so just another lie) and just ate it. And guess what...the obsession went away. And I felt much better. I need to learn that my body...it knows what it needs. My plan is a minimum but if my body needs more...that's okay and I need to honor it. I don't know what's going on in my body...maybe it's fighting off an infection, or needs more because brain being used to study....idk. But it let's me know by sending me signals and I need to respond.
So when I woke up today knowing I had N session I was excited. I was ready to go in and just be open to what she wanted. I even sent her an apology letter Tuesday for basically wasting her time. For doing her job and telling her what to do instead of it being the other way around. And our session was the most amazing one yet. I told her how much pain I was in this weekend but also admitted I knew my decrease was wrong and too low. When she weighed me and I had lost....I was expecting it. So obviously my plan wasn't working...but she agreed old one was possibly too high for my GI system to handle right now. She said she had to do that...to prescribe that plan...because she had come to distrust me and in giving me that plan she crossed her fingers and hoped I would at least do 60% of it. And each time we had to increase because I would fail to meet even that much. She was shooting for the moon hoping I would land among the stars.
But with my new mentality and new desire to trust....we decided it was time for a new plan. Not a plan based off the old one. Not a plan (like the old one was) based off of my treatment plans. But a plan based off me in that moment. Based off where my body is now. Based off getting my nutrient requirements without so much tummy pain (basically this weekend my body went through a kind of food rejection syndrome and now its recouping). And it felt nice to actually see my N do what she loves. What she has passion for. She got to write a plan...not based off other plans...but based of her knowledge of my needs. I don't know...it just felt like MY plan, from MY team, and with the love and support of MY N. It just felt better. And there was no way to compare, judge, tabulate.....it was just fresh. Fresh and new.
It's the first time I left an N appt and felt like maybe this was possible. I wasn't thinking about where I would hold back portions (which I haven't done since Friday despite weight gain) or what I wouldn't do. I took the plan and just wanted to learn it so I could meet it completely. I just feel this is a fresh start for a new me. This is the start of a new relationship between me and my N....one full of honesty and truth...not restriction and secrets. I finally feel that OUTPATIENT RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE. Oh...and another part of my plan I love....my bagel is a part of it :)