So this is another lovely #freEDom Tuesday. Different from my Freedom Fridays which are Freedom Food based, this is inner freedom based. A day I am guaranteed to not hold back, to say the things I want to stay hidden. I have been doing really well with this this week actually, but something hit me yesterday that made me feel ashamed. So I figure I need to share it....seems counter-intuitive, but it tends to feel better when I get things out.
So yesterday I really implemented my Dining with Daddy idea at my meals. I also started the morning with Him, especially after a weigh-in that had me freaking out. I can't explain how or really why, but the day was so easy. I had a craving for a muffin....granted it was a weight watchers muffin...but still I had a craving. I drove out of my way to go and get it and spent the extra money on myself.....on FOOD for myself. This is something I rarely due. Granted this craving has been around for months and I've been ignoring it. And granted the muffin turned out to be a new kind not the kind of my childhood and was significantly smaller than their old ones and much less sweet (but hey...what should I expect from a weight LOSS company). Still....it was a big step and it was really easy to do.
As I sat at lunch faced with a meal that has been a huge fear and I haven't been able to get right portions on in the past, it happened again. This ease of eating. I got all my portions and just started eating them, no thought of restricting or leaving things behind crossing my mind. Then all of a sudden, I realized how easy it was...and panic set it. It's like I got anxiety out of the lack of anxiety. I realized I hadn't double/triple/quadruple checked my portions, half my bagel was gone and I hadn't torn, I had given myself full fats and already eaten them and wasn't feeling stress over it. Could this be? How was this happening?
Then I was just confused. Here I was scared, because I wasn't scared. Anxious because I didn't know where my anxious thoughts were. Any normal person would take lack of anxiety and fear as a good thing, but I am starting to realize I fear the peace and the silence without them. I fear the normalcy. Because at lunch when I should have been rejoicing over the freedom I felt, I sat paralyzed if fear. There were no anxious thoughts telling me to stop eating...so did that mean I should continue? What if this freedom got too much? I mean I had just gone out and bought myself a WW muffin and here I was not analyzing all my portions and controlling them.....what if I started eating and enjoying it. What if this freedom became an every day thing? Would I all the sudden end up eating whatever I wanted?
Notice how all the above things to any normal person would be good. Would be a sign of normalcy and relief. To me they brought crippling fear because I was scared in allowing myself to just eat and not control it, I would/will end up back to my obese days of my past. I know logically this is crazy. Back then I would binge eat.....trying to fill the void left in my heart from years of neglect and abuse. But it in my moment of freedom it seemed like a reality. Because the only time I have not controlled my food is when my eating was out of control. I don't understand or know what a middle ground looks like. To me I either restrict, or I binge.....and honestly I like being on this end much, much more. The world (as sad as it is) is much nicer to you when you are underweight with an ED than overweight with an ED. I'm just scared to be that size again. It makes me sad and mad and guilty to admit that. I don't judge others for their size, but myself...I never want to be that heavy again...I just don't. It was miserable. The things other kids and even adults said to me....they still burn my mind in an ever constant inferno. They still bring tears to my eyes. Honestly....they are the things in my mind every time I look in the mirror...even now being so underweight.
I think right now the fear is just that without the anxiety and fear holding me back I will be free....completely free...and I don't trust myself with that freedom. Silly analogy here, but its kind of like I feel like I am a dog. I constantly need a leash on me and though I am comfortable giving myself a leash that is retractable and thus gives me a little room to run...I still want that lock button that will jerk me back when I go too far. It's sad but I am scared to let myself eat sweets or give into my cravings because I am convinced I will go too far.
The moments of freedom though....that lunch I had....I was happy in that moment. But once I realized fear wasn't there....it's like I felt I had nothing to cling to. I am trying to learn to cling to my Father in these times, and yesterday I did manage to. I even managed to do a whole untorn bagel even though I tore it originally. I went back and ate the torn pieces and felt that freedom. But this morning....when I stepped on the scale...I did it just to put that lock back on. The scale didn't even move....but the fact that I didn't lose was enough for me to tell myself that freedom couldn't happen.
I don't know why I am still so scared to be free and why I am scared to gain. I don't know why I am so stuck still in wanting to see the numbers go down even though I don't want to lose weight. I guess this life of chaos and disorder has become my order and my normalcy....but don't I deserve better? I mean I know in my heart I do, but I don't know what better is? To me the other side of this is my binge eating days.....my mind says if I'm not here in control then I am there out of control. I just need to see the middle. Understand the middle. Experience the middle. But I guess I am scared the middle isn't there for me.
So for now I am going to fear the freedom, but that's okay. I am going to feel the fear, but feel the freedom to. I am not going to cling to the fear...I am just going to let it pass and try and cling to my Father's arms. Will I succeed every time? No. But that's okay too. I need to discover for myself that freedom isn't the loss of control, but is giving control over to the One who deserves it....who can do good with it. It's not about going out of control, but having the strength to let the control out. I need to see that by handing over my control everything will be just as it should be....not too much, not too little...just enough because He is enough.
So right now I may be on a retractor leash...but who knows....maybe tomorrow I can let myself off-leash a little. Perhaps it will just be for some time in the dog park....surrounded by fences that can hold me in. But those fences will have gates and when I am ready and when the Father knows I'm ready maybe those gates will fly open and I will be ready to be free.