Sunday, January 27, 2013


Well...I did it. I said I was going to and I did. was the first ever day of doing my real meal plan, of getting all portions, of not restricting, of not overexercising. Was it pretty? Not all the time. This morning I didn't get b-fast till 1 pm because I kept going back and forth between whether I was really going to do it or not. So here is a little breakdown of how day went.

B-fast: Flip flopping between whether I was really going to get all my portions and follow my plan. Such a large part of me woke up this morning ready to dominate. Wanting to conquer it all. Wanting to see if I could really do this. But then I started to freak out about ballooning and after hearing people's stories of how this was a possibility....I got more and more scared. But then (well not right then...this started at 10 am I ate at 1 took awhile) I realized I was letting fear of something I didn't even know would happen to me control my day. It's something I've done my whole life....I fear I would fail at something so I wouldn't try. I feared I would gain weight, so I didn't eat. I fear I would binge, so restrict portions. But this was different. I realized I was letting fear of tomorrow ruin my today. Fear that applies to others but has never applied to me, determine my future. So I stop....took a lot of deep breaths and had my first ever full portion outpatient breakfast (and I mean EVER). Let me just will blow your mind how much a full portion of grits is. And since when did a tablespoon of peanut butter get so big....but was exciting. That excitement I had going inpatient...the relief of someone saying I could all came back. But you know who the someone was giving me was me.

Lunch: This was later than wanted thanks to b-fast and it was quite more difficult because of the fat portions. I just did not want to do them. But also a part of me didn't want to give up. So I sent out a bunch of support text, delved into studies to distract me, and I pushed through. I will admit the excitement started to wane and nerves started to hit in now.

Dinner: this is where emotional breakdown/panic mode set in. One, this was later than expected. Two, the cafeteria staff made fun of me when I was getting a big fear food of mine. Three, the dining hall was closing so I had 15 minutes to eat. Four, they ran out of what I had planned. Combine all this together with the nerves that had been building up and it turned to panic. I wanted to restrict, that's all I wanted to do. I wanted to throw in the towel, say nice try, but I am not strong enough. But instead I sent out support texts yet again and I reached into my pocket and pulled out a notecard I had written on back at b-fast when I was feeling so good. Here is what it said:

  • This is just a two day experiment. Not much can happen in two days, and anything that's completely reversible. 
  • Don't let fear of something that may not be possible stop your possibilities of today. 
  • Think about how exciting it is to be able to eat again. Think of all the portions you are finally ALLOWED to eat. These aren't things you HAVE to eat, they are things you GET to it. And you deserve it. 
  • This is just a nice vacation from ED. Right now it's just a two-day weekend trip away...but who knows..maybe it could be a lifetime. You won't know till you try. 
I clenched this card, gritted my teeth and pushed through. I almost cried (would have if wasn't in public). Used some weird food rituals, but I got all my portions and had a freedom food. 

Triumph Treat: Not only was this when I had to face Devil's Food Cake Square....but I also got the brilliant idea of looking up the nutrition facts on my school website. Well...these didn't have enough calories to meet my minimum for triumph treat. My brain was not happy that I had realized this, because this meant today...on meet your meal plan day...I had to add to it. So I got to "enjoy" Devil's Food Cake and pudding. But wasn't as bad as I thought. In fact...I think I really did enjoy it. Granted half of it was mechanical eating so I didn't taste a bite, but I did feel slightly more free. 

Bagel: This was not only the first time having an unmeasured bagel, but also the school had only the super large ones (thanks't you have a small one today). Today was also the first night I had to put jelly on bagel without measuring it. The "portion" of spread has to cover both halves of the bagel, but apparently I was never supposed to be measuring it. felt more normal to just put it on...but it was a hell of a lot scarier. Halfway through this is hit me that I had almost done a full day of the plan and again panic set in. I wanted to tear this bagel so bad. To throw some away. But I shot up support texts like they were warning flares and got the support I needed to push through. 

The Final Bite: So my last snack is usually easy, but today...I just didn't want it. Well...I did want it maybe that was the problem. I actually had what I was craving which was scary as hell because I've never gotten full portion of it. But I am actually proud to say I did it. It was mechanical, I can't tell you what it tasted like, but I did it. 

And the aftermath. Honestly...I am proud of myself. And I realized something. ED had put this lie in my head that the portions were too much, this would be too hard, I needed to do it slow or change my meal plan....because he wanted me to feel I wasn't strong enough to recover. But as I've been saying...I know in my heart I am strong enough to do this outpatient, because I have God and amazing support and an amazing team. I knew I could do it, and today I proved myself right and ED wrong. But I won't lie...I am scared of what tomorrow (well today now) will bring. After I go to sleep...dreaming of future days like today I will wake up...walk over to the corner of my room...and step on the machine that has dictated my life for so long. I am scared what that moment will bring. But again, I have support, I have God....and I am hoping I can push through. But that's tomorrow....right now...I am gonna be in this moment of success. Long overdo and very hard-earned success. 

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