So I had therapy today and my therapist challenged me to blog even when I am struggling. Figured this would happen at some point in the next few days....but nope...it happened tonight. So pardon the foul language, but I just need to blog reality. That's the reason I created this blog anyway, because I couldn't find one to read that showed me the highs and the lows of recovery. So here goes.
Watch your sodium. Limit your fats. Not too much sugar. Workout right before you eat. Be active after you eat. Don't sit too long. Keep moving. Not too big portions. Eat slow. Don't eat if you aren't hungry. Limit desserts, sweets, and treats. This is all swarming through my head every day...especially tonight.
Reality is today I am struggling. I want desperately to have my food scale back. The one sitting on my kitchen counter at home. The one I wasn't supposed to use over break, but used anyway. I want it to tell me how big this bagel is. I want to tear off parts of the bagel till its smaller than the needed size. But I have no food scale...so I struggled to finish it all. The whole time my brain just told me it was too big and if I finished I would gain weight.
You see I know I need to gain weight, but the reality of recovery is your brain tends to not accept that fact and still processes information and choices based off not gaining weight. It's not to blame...it's just what we have been doing my whole life. If all the sudden red lights meant go and green meant stop...I'm sure people would still stall at red lights and run green lights. It's just the pattern of behavior being repeated.
And I know to stop this pattern I need to create new patterns. But reality is tonight that just doesn't want to happen. I am trying but its just getting harder and harder. I am having to reach out to my support every few minutes. I am having to not plan my meals for the week like I need to because I know I will choose them out of fear. I am having to remind myself to stay seated, that I already did my approved yoga for the day. But I freaking don't want to do any of this. I just want to act out.
Despite the yelling in my brain, I went and challenged myself to fajitas at dinner. I did cut portions a little, but nothing near to how I did before. So that adds to my brain fighting me tooth and nail right now. That adds in the fact that I feel I am supposed to not do my other snacks in order to make up for the fact that I ate fajitas. "Think of the oil. Think of the fat. You probably got too much. You don't know how they cooked it." That's what my brain is telling me right now. And it's loud....like train running right next to your house loud.
So tonight the reality is recovery sucks. It's also true that recovery is going to have to happen. I slipped a little today as I knew I would eating back in the dining hall and getting portions without food scale. A few of my portions were on the low side, but I can't change that. Now I just need to move forward. I have two more snacks to get through tonight and I have to do them.....despite the fact it sucks. I probably won't enjoy it, I know the urges will keep coming, but I have to do it.
I guess the reality is if I let today end in disaster and slips, then tomorrow it will be just as hard as today to get back on track. If I get back on track now though..then it will be easier mentally tomorrow to have everything in completely right portions.
So I am going to go eat. I know my brain will tell me I'm disgusting and say things to me I wouldn't say to my worst enemy, but I am going to eat. Not because I want to...and honestly tonight not because I want to recover. Tonight I am eating to stay out of treatment and because if I don't....then guilt will just be added to this misery. I am going to eat because my nutritionist and therapist want me to. I am going to eat because if not in two weeks I will be admitted to hospital. I am going to eat because I will have to eat in treatment where I will end up without eating now. I am going to eat because its getting late and I don't want my brain to yell at me for eating too close to bed. I am going to eat so you all can see that even when your reality is that recovery sucks....tomorrow it may not. That the reality of the pain, discomfort, and sometimes hatred of recovery doesn't warrant us acting in our ED and torturing ourselves.
Thanks for letting me share my struggles. Know that it's okay on the days recovery sucks. It's okay when we slip...we just have to move forward. We didn't choose this disorder....but we can choose to get out of it. It's not fair that we have this disorder, but reality is we do. It sucks that we have this disorder, that recovery from it isn't as easy as getting the disorder seemed to be, that things can't just go to normal overnight, that the urges can't just go away, that there isn't some switch someone can flip to tell us to eat. But I guess the only way for things to suck less...for some light to shine from behind this storm...is to do recovery. Had I not used my food scale back home and had I stuck to the plan to challenge myself more at home....well I probably wouldn't be in the shitty place I am now. But I am gonna fight to get out of it...because you all deserve better posts...and I deserve a better life.