Smash the Scale (Part 2 of post)

What?! Two posts in one day....yes it is going to happen, because I need to write this for me. So I went to N appt today and it was the best session ever (minus the meal plan changes and freedom foods). I even cried at it....first time that's happened. But I was pure, raw, and honest. I broke down and told her everything I was so scared of. And she was honest back. Honest and pure. WARNING: I do use a number in here in the last paragraph under The Big One, but I need to use number so I can come back and read this....PLEASE SKIP THIS PART IF IT IS A TRIGGER!

Inpatient v Outpatient: This was the first thing we talked about. She told me she honestly thinks I need inpatient because mentally I am so sick. She knows I have the personality to do this outpatient, but add in school, work, religious activities, clubs, research and she said it's understandable and acceptable to say that I need to take a break and make my health a priority. In the end I am still choosing to do this outpatient, but it was nice to hear her say she believes I have the personality to do it. She didn't say I was strong enough. She didn't say I know enough. She didn't say I have motivation enough. She said I had the personality. That is something about me, that is who I am, that is something that can't fade from day to day. To have her basically say I am enough...it meant a lot.

Teaching the Body to Trust: This is a post I meant to do this weekend. But basically we talkedabout something a friend pointed out to me. I have been saying I can't trust my body when reality is my body has no reason to trust me. I have either binged or restricted. I have never given my body proper, constant nutrition. I have had an ED my whole life basically (since I was 6)....so my body can't even trust me to feed it. It doesn't know what to do with food because I haven't given it a chance to learn. So we are kind of on this road together. I am learning how to feed it and it is learning what to do with food. I am learning to be the girl God called me to be, it is learning (and probably already knows) how to be the body God designed it to be. We are both learning proper nutrition, and both learning to trust one another.

Health is more than labs: So part of the reason for the recent struggle is I went to a new doc and she told me that I could just maintain and that my weight was low but she had seen lower. NOT what you say to someone with an ED. So I was back in this world where I convinced myself my health was fine and thus I didn't need to gain weight. But then I realized my memory has gotten worse, its harder to concentrate, my hair is brittle, I bruise easily, I can't warm up. My N pointed out I am constantly sick or complaining of being tired or having GI issues. I can't move my bowels without taking something. So maybe my labs are fine. But these other signs....they aren't. And once my labs aren't fine....things could go so fast that I can't stop them. It could basically be a sign that it's too late.

Is there a middle ground? Like I posted yesterday I am scared there is no middle ground from me. I am scared of the freedom I felt on Monday because I am scared I will end up overweight and obese. That I will go back to binging. REALITY CHECK: right now I can barely meet my meal plan and am severely underweight.....binging and obesity is quite a far way away. My N used an amazing analogy. It would be like planning where I want my daughter to go to school RIGHT NOW. Daughter? I don't even know if I want kids, I don't even have a boyfriend let alone a husband, and I don't have a way to support a kid. How crazy would it be to plan and change my whole life based on where I want a kid to go to school? Yet I have been making my whole life and choices in recovery revolve around the fear of binging and being obese. I think at this point, if I am honest, having a daughter is a lot more likely than that happening.

But she also said....it's okay in the back of your mind to be like...if I have a daughter one day I think I might want to have her try hip-hop. In the same way it is okay in the back of my mind to think...you know if I ever do struggle with binging again here is how I might handle it. But not to fixate on it, not to change my current living on it. I wouldn't move to Nebraska tomorrow because they have a school I want my hypothetical daughter to go to....so I shouldn't change how I eat now because I am scared one day I will be binging and obese. Binging, obesity, and having kids are all far off things that may or may not ever happen. But my life is happening right now....it is my reality, so I need to live in this moment.
And here is the other thing too. How do you find a middle ground with eating? How do you learn to eat healthy and maintain weight? You hire a nutritionist to help guide you. You get a meal plan and you follow it. You take the medical advice of a dietitian and you follow it. So really....I am set to find my middle ground because I have a dietitian. And once I start gaining weight we can stop having our whole sessions revolve around that and have time for me to be educated on nutrition and what "normal eating" looks like and what I need to do to get there.

The Big One: Gaining I finally broke down with the N and told her I don't want to gain. Plain and simple. I don't, I can't, I won't. Then it hit me. I can't avoid it. The point I am at being a significant amount underweight....I just can't avoid it. I say I want to maintain but even that's not true. The only thing I know how to do when I don't gain is to lose. And here's the reality....if I lose much more I will die. I don't know how or why but I can. That's the plain and simple truth. So no matter what, eventually I am going to gain weight. Eventually I am going to lose so much weight that I am going to break down and go inpatient or have parents force me there or I am going to break down and to it outpatient or I am going to die. Three choices....die, gain inpatient, gain outpatient. That's it.
So each time I lose now it's just another pound I have to gain. It's not even a loss....because its going to have to come back. I am honestly just making it harder on myself because I am making the amount I have to gain increase more and more. The time I have to wait to get back to cycling and running more and more. It's like gaining has become something I kind of have no choice over. But I do have a tiny choice left....whether I do it inpatient or outpatient. This is not just a choice I make, but a choice I prove with my actions. If I want this outpatient I HAVE TO COMPLY AND DO IT!

WARNING: NUMBERS PLEASE DO NOT READ AND IF YOU DO CHECK YOUR MOTIVES. THIS IS MORE FOR ME THAN YOU ALL.
The reality is you can't be 92 lbs and 5' 7.5" and be allowed to maintain. And how much more can you really lose? Your BMI is 14.2.....you can't lose anymore you just can't. And no matter what you will eventually end up having to gain weight. And do you really want to be 89 lbs and then be scared of breaking 90 like you are now scared of breaking 100? No you don't. And you are too close to 89 to keep on going with losing.

So I'm Back

This week I am going to rely on God, going to try and blog more, and going to meet my plan. I am going to need A TON of support as I do this. I am also thinking of getting rid of the scale. Daily weighing is getting in the way of me gaining because of my immense fear of it. I think the best time for me to face the scale is when I am in the nutritionist office and can talk it out....not when I am alone in my room. 

I know weight gain is going to start....that scares me. I have tons of fears (will it be too fast, too much, will I cope, can I do it, etc), but that is okay. I had these fears when I went inpatient too and will have them if I have to go inpatient now. But here is the thing....I have to do this. It's going to happen at some point, and I really don't want to have to gain any more weight than I already do. I don't want to add another week onto the time I have till I can cycle again. So I guess it's time to start gaining. Accept the fear is going to be there, but push through it, blog about it, get it out of me. Cling to my Father. Do whatever I have to do to stick to my plan. It's just one week. I am just agreeing to do it this one week. We will see how this ONE WEEK goes and then next week I can decide again. It's okay...I can do this. I just need to breathe, accept, and now that this gaining has to happen....might as well start now.