Monday, November 18, 2013

Having to choose...

I told myself last night anywhere from 88.2 to 89 lbs would be okay for today. I mean..I wasn’t really expecting to lose weight if we are honest. I could feel in the fit of my pants that wasn’t going to happen…but I was honestly hoping to just maintain. I wanted to either lose/maintain which would mean N was right and I should/could eat whatever I wanted or I wanted it to shoot up so I knew clearly I needed to throw in the towel and couldn’t eat. So what happened? The scale read 89.2 lbs.

What was I to do with this number? What was I to do with a number that wasn’t in my range of okay but wasn’t shooting up a ton. It is only up .6 from Wed. But that still means I “risk” gaining more than a lb come Wed. And it puts me another step closer to 90….which scares me still. So now…there is no clear cut and it’s up to me to make a choice. The scale isn’t dictating what I should do…I can’t blame the scale or my body if I lapse or if I am obedient…it’s up to me. This sucks worse than had it shot up…because I don’t trust me. I trust me even less than my nutritionist.

But I also realized I don’t want to lapse. As I worked through therapy and tears streamed down my cheeks I realized the reason I am pissed with this weigh-in is because I am so scared. I’m scared that I actually want recovery. I am scared that part of me is accepting this gain because I don’t want to get behind in graduation. I am scared because I actually want this but so much of me feels so wrong for fighting for it and letting weight gain happen. But there is honestly no part of me that wants to throw in the towel…not over .2 lbs. The joy, happiness, and freedom I experienced these past 5 days…I want that to be my life…and relapse won’t bring that. Just like relapsing week 1 when I gained 1.6 lbs wouldn’t have brought the freedom I felt the next week only gaining .2. I would have lost the opportunity for growth and freedom I have felt these past almost three weeks as I faced desserts, Halloween, and this freedom week. So I don’t want to throw in the towel now.

I was also brought back to the picture I have of me at the 115 lbs me and my N are shooting for. The reason I have said that weight is okay is because of that picture. Not necessarily how I look…because I know even then I felt huge. But because it is the last picture I have when I was truly happy. Sure, I was restricting. Not heavily though. I wasn’t as deep in my ED as I am now. And for those two hours I spent bowling with my stepmom and my dad…I was truly happy. I was able to turn ED off and be at peace. I was able to smile and mean it. I was able to bowl because it was fun, not to burn calories. I was able to just live, breathe, smile, and feel free. It was amazing. That was winter break two years ago. That is what I want to have again. That is what weight gain and freedom can bring.

So I sit here with a choice to make…recovery or relapse. I have a dessert and a few more freedom foods planned for next two days before my N session and the weekly weigh-in. My mind tells me as long as I do my meal plan I am choosing recovery, but I don’t need the “extras” of dessert and freedom foods. But my heart knows that’s not right. Choosing to not do those is choosing ED and is just another form of restriction. So I have to choose. Do I do the meal plan, freedom foods and all, or do I not? I’m honestly apathetic…I’m not excited to do them, but I just don’t want to throw in the towel. Not yet. I don’t want to give up on my dream of being able to eat whatever I want and maintain and be happy. I mean I am on a weight gain meal plan so I am going to gain weight. Yes…it scares me that I am now closer to 115 lbs. IT scares me that I am slowly losing my “buffer” of being on weight gain and thus being able to “risk” gaining weight. But it scares me more to choose to lapse.

Choosing to lapse…it just doesn’t make sense anymore. I find no joy, no control, no freedom, no release from my ED anymore. It only serves one purpose now…it just makes me lose weight. It’s just another diet. But I can’t lose weight forever. If I chose to lapse…I don’t even know what the point would be. IT wouldn’t be to just lose the weight I gained this week, because then I would be scared to add back the calories. And I, of course, would have to go lower then I went the last time because that’s just how ED operates. But honestly…I don’t think there would be an ending point if I chose to lapse again. Well..not an ending point I would choose.

If I chose to lapse again I would keep losing till I either died or till I was forced inpatient. And going inpatient…I would just have to gain the weight, but I would miss graduation, miss my friends, and be stuck, sad and miserable, in an inpatient setting yet again…knowing had I just accepted this weight gain I could be doing it outpatient. Knowing I had the strength from God to do it outpatient, but let ED dictate my life instead. And I don’t want that. And death…well sure…if I die I don’t have to gain weight…but I would also be DEAD. And I clearly don’t want that. I don’t want to die. That’s the end to everything. The end to weight gain yes, but also dreams, joy, friendship, family…heart beating, air breathing life. That’s not an option.

So I guess there is only one choice for me. It’s not the easy choice, but it’s the only one I want. I choose recovery. I choose the joy, freedom, and life it brings. With this choice I accept the tears, pain, and fear…I accept the weight gain I don’t want but know I need…I accept the responsibility that will come with being mature and not having an eating disorder…I accept the responsibility that comes with having to maintain and no longer being driven to gain or lose weight…I accept the discomfort I feel in my body. I accept these things because though they suck, relapse sucks more. Death sucks more. Losing the chance to graduate, having to give over my control by going inpatient when I know and have shown I can do this outpatient, losing my job, losing my scholarships, losing myself all to ED…that sucks more. So today…today I choose life…today I choose to fight. 

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