Wednesday, November 6, 2013

WIAW in recovery #1: Freedom Foods

Peas and CrayonsI am rejoining the WIAW party but this is #1 because I am in true recovery now so thanks Jenn for this chance. So I won't really share what I eat in a day...because that's boring. But will share my freedom food for the week. In this case though I have TWO WEEKS to catch you all up on. So let's get this party started.

So there are some things I have eaten but didn't take pics of because....well they just weren't picture worthy. But here is the down low.

Both weeks I have faced bananas. I love bananas and am tired of fearing a FRUIT! It's a freaking fruit! Now I have eaten it and am still scared, but I am going to keep pushing till bananas are accepted. Plus they are freaking delicious. 

The next one I am ashamed of, but it is a big feat for me. I have allowed myself mustard both weeks. I's silly, but I don't allow myself condiments because of extra calories and literally for months have been craving I finally had it. First was on my tuna wrap and second time on my freedom sandwich you will see in a bit. 

I also finally faced an everything bagel. I wasn't that much of a fan of it but my N says I have to face it at least two more times before I write it off....I am going to tell her the disordered way I ate it too...and then I might have to do it three more times. I kind of brushed off some of the seeds on top. Honestly, I just want to be able to eat one because they are my dad's favorite. One day I hope to eat one with him and not be like this pic. 

Now onto my own photography genius :) 

I also went ahead and faced my fear of extra almonds, mixing foods, and almonds that aren't my safe ones and did a mix of these three (6 of each). Definitely the best is cocoa roasted and I have been doing it every morning and now it isn't so scary.  

I also have had to face PB both weeks....and I loved it and hated it at same time. Both times did it on my daily bagel and honestly, the only thing I thought was, I want more PB on this. Also I eat my bagels really weird as you will notice. I only like spread on half of my bagels and the other half I steam in a baggy. Basically after I toast it I seal it back in the baggy without topping...I don't know I just like it that way. But I'm not sure if eating half with topping and half without is disordered...I know it's not normal...but that doesn't mean it's ED...I also will have to sometime soon move away from reduced-fat PB but honestly I like it better because it taste so sweet :) 

I also have had to face raisins both weeks. Last week I tried golden raisins in my cheerios. I wasn't a fan of the golden raisins, but again I have to give them another shot. This week was the normal raisins at lunch. I am so freaking tired of being afraid of fruits all because of numbers. It's a fruit. We tell kids to eat more fruits and veggies and yet I am scared of them. Just another reason I hate and continue to fight ED. 

Another lovely freedom food from this week was turkey burger. I was so scared of this that I decided to buy funny plate to have it on. Who can be scared of something when there is a smiling monkey looking at you? Now I did special request how it should be cooked and then further cooked it on my George I didn't like the taste...but I know I will have to face it again. I also really do want to have it on a bun instead of corn tortilla. But it is baby steps here people :) 

This week I even faced two freedom foods in one sitting: chickpeas and sweet potatoe. I used to love chickpeas. I ate them like they were candy...then somewhere along the way ED took over and bye bye went the chickpeas. And sweet potatoes...they used to be a safe food, but thanks to ED nothing became safe. I still have a ways to go with accepting these two items. For example, I still measure out the sweet potatoe and only eat 1/2 cup. I also washed off the beans. I want to just be able to eat, but I am again taking baby steps...and I inform my N of these limitations. I also refuse to mark them off my list until I face them and accept them completely. 

I also faced a social phobia and food in one sitting because I had deli sandwich with mustard and ate it with a friend. Honestly, I was so scared that day I didn't even taste it. And tummy got upset a few hours later so I think I may actually be allergic, but will ask N tomorrow. The amazing part thought was that despite me eating and her not having anything she was eating..I stayed present. I was anxious and sure was having food thoughts, but was so excited to be spending time with her they were few and far between.

Outside of just eating fear foods we have also been working on this week allowing myself freedom in the moment and trusting exchanges and cravings not just looking at everything as numbers. This led to four events this week. One you saw earlier but I allowed myself a cookie just because I wanted it. Also, I love (but am still terrified of) these yeast rolls at my school. One day I couldn't decide what starches to have for lunch because my typical ones just weren't appealing...and so my N said to have the roll at lunch. I freaked (and was completely excited). I NEVER allow the roll at lunch completely because of numbers. I even expressed this to my N, but she still said to do it and since part of my contract is I can't say no to her...I did it. I cursed her and thanked her the whole freaking time. And then this weekend the dining hall ran out of my safe I was forced afforded the opportunity to eat tomatoes. This is when I realized they got scary again. A freaking vegetable..when will the madness end. I don't know...but I am going to keep fighting till it does. And then this afternoon I saw orange glazed carrots on menu and remembered how much I liked despite having two other freedom foods I got them. 

And the all time most hated and loved at the same time part of my new meal plan....weekly desserts that count as extras to my meal plan. My N says we will be working up to THREE PER WEEK. Yeah...she is part of training session on ED now...and she heard around the block that is what is typically prescribed and mandated. Part of me hates she learned this (I kind of knew it), but the other part..the little girl in me..she is so freaking excited. So last week it was this PB bar I used to love at my school...though wasn't a fan this time. Again, N said I have to have at least two more times before decided. And then the other one you all read about and was the 5 pieces of candy on Halloween. And guess what...neither one made me balloon. In fact I lost after the candy!

So that's the freedom the past two weeks have brought...and honestly...I am excited to see what freedom awaits me this coming week. It's so scary, but looking's worth every moment of fear.

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