Friday, November 15, 2013

Push through recovery "hangover"

Well it’s freedom week day 3…and it’s been rough. Day 1 was awesome. I was sky high and feeling so free…but then came what I dreadfully like to call…the “hangover effect.” This happens the day after tons of freedom foods, especially if I don’t get to weigh. Basically I just feel overwhelming scared, defeated, and huge. 

 Day 2 I felt puffy, fat, no appetite. I didn’t want to eat anything, let alone the fear foods I had planned. In fact, when I looked at my pre-planned meals I was sure I had gone crazy. Luckily, I have good, supportive friends…and they pushed me through. So I stuck to plan, did fears, and felt like crap the whole time. I prayed through it, cried through it, sadly talked negatively to myself through it, and definitely cursed my N a few times in my head. Important thing though is I did it. It wasn’t pretty….but I did it. AND I didn’t weigh.

And today is Day 3. I woke up still feeling huge and fat. But I didn’t weigh. It’s first Fri in a long time I didn’t weigh. I then had a really awesome poop which anyone with a disorder knows can be a freeing experience haha. Anyway…I started actually feeling a little lighter…thanks to hunger and appetite I woke up with. Sure, I still felt huge and ED kept saying I’ve already gained so much but I chose to say “No. I trust my N. I have no evidence not too. Even in times past you have said my pants are tighter or face puffier like you are saying now..and then I have ended up losing and you have been wrong. But my N is usually right. So I choose to trust her which means I won’t even gain a lb this week so I’m not huge or fat.”

I chose to focus on my run today and how awesome that was going to be. I chose to focus on all the work I got done. I chose to focus on the awesome time I was going to have with my friend at basketball game tonight. And it was an awesome day again. I faced more freedom foods than even planned and I enjoyed them again…well I actually didn’t like the taste of two of them…but the freedom felt great. And I was happy again. I felt free.

So I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. If I will be happy like today, or pissed and depressed like day 2. But what this has shown me is no matter what I am pushing through. Because I pushed through the crappy day 2, and today I feel fantastic! In fact…part of me is excited, not scared for Mon. Actually trusting it will be okay. Of course, that part also wants to weigh tom, but I refuse. One because if it was bad, I would have no team support. And two because it wouldn’t reflect freedom foods for next few days. And three because Mon isn’t that far away. Prayers and good thoughts more than welcomed. Hope you all are fighting too J

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