Well today has been terrifyingly exciting. I had weigh-in this morning didn’t go at all how wanted. Despite being down after weekend (which I knew was partly due to tummy upset) my weight shot back up today..so I wasn’t a happy camper. Still..if I looked over the whole week have only gained .2 aka maintained. It made me mad because if it was .2 lower I would have been happy…and then that made me mad because it’s freaking .2 lbs. Seriously, that’s so disordered. And then I got to thinking…if I only weighed once a week I would be stoked right now. With all the freedom foods I did…I would be jumping for joy. I was still frustrated…but moved on with my day and was scared for my appointment.
After class being cancelled I came back to my room and ate all my b-fast in one sitting (something my N has so wanted me to do). It was scary…but I felt normal. And then it was time to face the music and my N. I had e-mailed her my frustration with weight and a breakthrough I had after finding out my friend had a heart attack. I went into the session still really motivated though scared. I was in the same postion as last week. Scared I was all the sudden gaining yet having only gained .2 in week and thus facing an increase. But this week…I wasn’t going to not listen to N…and this is where the terrifying excitement began.
My N wanted to add three exchanges, but I was only expecting the one exchange she had intended to add last week. Before she informed me she wanted to add three exchanges I told her I just wanted to be free of my chains to calorie counting. I wanted to let go of all these food rules and just eat freely. I didn’t want to tack them one at a time..I just wanted to be free. And I wanted this to be the week to do it. She then informed me she wanted three exchanges. Luckily…she is reasonable and we negotiated…and this week…it’s my freedom week.
She did the one increase, but because I have promised to eat completely free (which is ensured because I have promised to eat a freedom food at every lunch and dinner) she isn’t adding the other two exchanges. I also am not allowed to weigh my fruit, have to do scarier (aka higher-calorie) spreads on my bagel, and am not allowed raw veggies for this week because I have become scared of steamed veggies. In my mind…all of these changes…especially the freedom is going to make me gain like 2 lbs this week…which will put me in the 90s. And that brings me to the hardest part of this week…I can’t weigh till Monday. It means trusting…it means eating the meal plan and doing the freedom because I want to..without having a number to tell me if it is okay or not..because numbers shouldn’t dictate my food. Numbers should be left to the expert aka my nutritionist. I am flipping scared, but also freaking excited.
I told my N just how scared I was. Before I could even tell her it was because I was convinced I would gain a ton. She kept telling me over and over again…if you don’t gain a lb this week those other two exchanges are coming next week. I then told her I just knew I would gain AT LEAST a lb doing all this. With the extra cals from starch increase, spread increase, scarier foods, no raw veg, and not weighing fruit…obviously it would happen. And she told me she doubted I would gain a lb this week. She has NEVER told me that so I know she really believes it. She would never give me an inkling I won’t gain a lb unless she believed it because she knows that would set me up for disaster if I end up gaining more than a lb. So it kind of increased my excitement.
And since this commitment to freedom week…it’s been awesome day. Sure…I am scared, but I am also feeling so free and excited. I got a lunch I wanted…not thinking about calories. I ate a roll AND soup at dinner which I have wanted forever. I’ve eaten the spread on bagel I wanted. Just eaten based off exchanges and taste and its been so awesome. I thank God for the strength to do it. And you know what…I feel happy and have forgotten about freak out this morning and really am telling myself I only gained .2 this week. It’s amazing how amazing I feel..and I hope I can stick it out and not weigh till Mon. I mean..that’s not even a week. And yes I am scared because my brain says drastic things could happen by Mon…but I am just gonna eat and live as if. As if my N is right and as if everything will be okay. Why live in the worst case scenario when I have a professional telling me otherwise? Plus…if I don’t gain a lb..and I actually commit to these next few days…it will be so freeing. The more I push myself, the more freeing it will be. I really have never been so excited to eat.
It’s funny…because it’s kind of like I am eating so freely so I can prove my N wrong. Prove to her that all this freedom foods and increased cals and stuff is enough to make me gain a lb..in fact even more. But deep in my heart…I am praying, hoping, pleading she is right. Guess there is only one way to find out. It’s terrifying yes…but terrifyingly exciting!
Goals this week:
1. Not weigh till Monday
2. Eat based off exchanges not calories, what I want, ED is not invited to meals
3. Freedom food at every lunch and dinner
4. Riskier spreads on bagel
5. No weighing fruit
6. No raw veggies
7. Continue with weekly dessert (already chose it...Mon is banana pudding day!)