Officially broke barrier..and I want it back

Today was official weigh-in so I am officially in 90s…and I don’t like it at all. I thought I could handle this, but honestly I just want to relapse. Didn’t help that today I got no break at work and worked 11 am to 6 pm thus lunch got pushed to 6 pm. I could have easily restricted…I even planned to…but I didn’t. I did next right thing and ate my full meal plan. Honestly just used the excuse that tom is week weigh-in so can’t make decision till then. I am still hoping body will drop some and I will be back in 80s. Why?

Well there are a lot of reasons. Big one today is I may be seeing a new therapist and I don’t want to see her in 90s..I want her to see me in 80s…even if only 89. But probably wouldn’t see her for another 2 weeks so be even further into 90s and I am just not comfortable with that. I don’t want to see her and not be in 80s when 80s were my lowest. I feel she will look down on me for already being in recovery. She will think I am not sick. I just feel like now that I am in 90s I am healthy…and I don’t like that. Even my brother said I look normal and not skeletal anymore. Even with just 4 lbs on me he thinks that…that scares me. I was hoping my eyes were lying and people couldn’t tell. Guess I was wrong.

I also don’t want to go into 90s without my dad. I am overwhelmed by how life is going on when his life ended. I feel like by me going on in recovery, being at higher weight than he got to see me since Feb…I am saying I am moving on too. That I don’t need him. And that’s not true.

I don’t know. I know this is short post..but I am just scared and confused. I feel like being in 90s and knowing I have to keep gaining…makes me feel I lost control. Fact I gained greater than lb again this week scares me as well. I feel like life is moving on so fast and I need it to stop. I need to catch my breath. And this weight gain isn’t helping. Tomorrow is Xmas..so I probably won’t lapse tom even if scary weight…but I can’t guarantee anything.

I just need life to stop. My life has. I lost my dad and feel my life has stopped…I know only his is one that ended…but I feel mine has too. I just need life to pause. I need to have time to catch up. Since I can’t do that..I can’t turn back time..I want to turn back something I can: my weight. But for tonight..I did what my dad would have wanted were he here. I pushed forward. I figure had he been alive I would have reached 90 during Thanksgiving week…so I am behind. So for tonight I chose recovery. Guess that can be xmas gift to my dad. 

I just don't want relapse...that scares me

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Despite my insight yesterday I weighed myself today and up almost a whole lb from yesterday. Yes, I freaked. First off, I am now over 90 lbs. This means I weigh more than I have since Feb when I first hit the 80s and it freaks me out. First instinct was to cry…and relapse. To not eat today.

But something different happened this time. There was a loud part of me screaming “Please…please don’t. Relapse is misery. You get terrified over how much to cut and weight doesn’t seem to come off fast enough and now it would be over 4 lbs to lose and that will take forever. It will be like a month in misery. And for what? So you can have to be checked inpatient and do this all again. Please…please fight Jess.”

I felt like an insane person. Half of me was shouting to restrict. That that was only answer. It was saying: “See now you have gained more than a lb in this week. Probably be another 3 lb gain week. Your body can’t be trusted. You maintained for two days and now look…you got more active with your job and your legs swelled because you are getting fat super fast. Your body can’t be trusted, food can’t be trusted, you need to eat less.”

I realized I was in this place again. I didn’t get my way. I didn’t only gain 1 lb this week (granted weigh-in with N isn’t till tom and week weigh-in isn’t till Wed so weight may go back down). It isn’t perfect and in control like I want it (btw in control means 1 lb or less in my book per week). So how do I want to express my fear, disappointment, anxiety. By using my eating disorder. I didn’t get my way..so I want to restrict. But that makes no sense. Why punish myself? Relapsing doesn’t hurt anyone else…just me. So because I don’t like my circumstances…I punish myself? It just doesn’t make sense anymore.

The rational side of me also says…”The only thing you have changed since you were maintaining is you started working. Your legs are swollen and sore. You have been eating later. All of these things can lead to water weight…water retention. That’s what some of this may be. That makes sense. Once you stop working and soreness goes..so will some of the weight most likely. Keep with the plan. Relapse is not the answer.”

So…I am going to eat my plan. Yes..partly its because I am hoping this is water weight and will go down…but also..I’m just tired of relapsing. Tired of the misery. Tired of going backward in life. My dad would want me to move forward. I want to move forward. And I still have more weight to gain. I think I am partly scared of maintenaince…and am scared I will get to my maintaining weight super fast. I have always been losing or gaining so maintaining scares me a lot. It’s an experience I have never had and that scares me.

But for now I am gaining. For now I am choosing to do right thing. To keep on this plan and trust my N. And I am really thinking maybe weekly weigh-ins are best. At least then I only freak out once a week. 

Am I testing or trusting?

Well…I weighed today. Took one day off from scale and called that trusting. Then stepped back on today…after maintaining Th and Fri weigh-in. Felt huge…been eating late and on feet constantly at new job so legs in pain and swollen. Stepped on scale and as feared wt has shot up..whole lb in past two days. I tried to brush it off, but it haunted me. I realized this is crazy…that I need to go back to weekly weighing…it gives my body and myself longer to adjust to new plan. For my body..gives it time to get used to more food. For me…it gives me time to commit and get comfortable with plan without wanting to throw it out. So why had I gone back to daily weighing? Especially after having last weeks weigh-in show loss…and this week seeing the maintenance for few days. All these things should make me trust…so what was keeping me from weighing weekly?

Tonight I found the answer. I don’t trust my N, my body, my meal plan, food, God…nope…I test those things. You see…saying I will follow plan if only gain 1 lb per week, questioning everything about plan and every change my N made in fear gain will be too much, questioning every food craving I have, constantly thinking about next weigh-in when eating…these things don’t stem from trust. They stem from fear that my N is trying to make me gain rapid, that even if she wanted to she can’t control my weight gain because my body is terminally unique and somehow can’t process foods, that eating what I crave and trusting my food decisions will cause rapid gain because I can’t be trusted (stems from my history when I was obese), and that God is out to punish me because I screw up so much. Complete distrust….and so it leads to me to go back to daily or every other day weighing. I convince myself somehow I am still trusting especially if I stick to plan when weight is up…but I am not trusting. I’m testing.

When focus is scale I am really just testing N, myself, God, meal plan, food. I am eating just to see if my fear is true. I’m not sure what true trusting would look like. I guess not making things dependent on the scale. Not saying I am only going to eat this freely if only gain a lb per week. Not weighing daily but waiting for weekly weigh-ins and only letting changes occur if N wants them. But I can’t just shut off the part of my brain that will still constantly be wondering and worrying over weigh-in. I wish weight wasn’t such a focus in recovery…but it’s the only measure I know to see if body handling food. It’s just hard when I know my food plan is for weight gain…so handling food means weight going up. And it’s hard wt gain isn’t controlled…it won’t be exactly 1 lb every week. So my test isn’t even that fair or accurate. And I don’t want to test food, my N, myself, God…I want to trust that food is fuel and that my body can handle it, that my N has my best interest in heart, that God is in control and His plan is best, that I can trust myself and my choices with food. I just don’t know how…but testing isn’t working.

You see even when I eat a fear food and don’t gain or have that day of freedom like did Wed and don’t gain or have week like did last week and actually lose…I don’t gain any trust. And this is when I am not gaining….when I gain a lb per week which would show body and food and N can be trusted..I really don’t trust any more then.But even these times I maintain/lose I don’t trust. I mean…momentarily I do. Like take Wed for example…ate freely and Thurs didn’t gain. Yet still come Thurs night I was scared I would balloon…Fri wt was same. So I felt okay for most part Fri…even tried some sweets, but whole time was freaking out was gonna gain. Despite having proof I wasn’t gaining I was scared I would. And then I weighed today (Sun) and gained and any shred of trust was thrown away. How can I have countless weigh-ins that prove to me can trust and yet I don’t trust anymore…and then I have one scary weigh-in and all signs trust out the window. This doesn’t seem fair. And I guess..now typing it out..I see it’s because daily weighing to “check” and test myself, N, food, body, God…it’s all tied up in ED. And ED will never be happy…never let me trust…so his test will never be passed.

So what do I do now? How do I really trust? I know answer is to not focus on scale..but how do I do that? I know going back to weekly weigh-ins be a start…but still I will get scared the night before weigh-in. Will still worry what will happen with weight. And can’t not weigh because need to gain weight…so this is so confusing. I just want to trust…how do I start?

Finally! I'm FREE!!!

Wed Dec 18^th was a big day for me. It was weigh-in for N, 1^st day spending night at dad’s house since his death, and my first ever time of real freedom at home. I finally accomplished the dream I always had to eat whatever I wanted at dad’s house instead of buying my safe foods. I had to share it with you all.  First part is re-cap of my session, but exciting is second section

N session

This was the start of the day. After last weeks rapid increase, I was scared for the weigh-in. I had even weighed every day this week and yet was still scared. Well..as everyone said would happen. I ended up losing a little weight showing last week was just a one time thing. Food and water weight gain and not what ED said it was. I was excited at first, but then very anxious and nervous because I knew meant meal plan increase.

I also started sending confessions to N of ways I realize ED is still controlling me…the focus this week: still thinking in calories, eating same lunch, overuse of food scale, eating safe fruits too often, and eating same safe snack starch. This led to the following goals:

•   Increase of starch and dairy
• Only allowed tuna/flounder once a day, must use an unsafe protein source for dinner
•   Fiber one cereal at snack only every other day
•   Peas and corn at lunch only every other day
• Apple and prunes (my only safe fruits) only once a day, must increase prune amount
• Food scale only meat and if used for fruit now have scary minimum sizes

These were shared with my mom and stepmom so there was no escape. At first I felt fine about it..then I got a higher minimum calorie for my starches. I started to freak. The fear of rapid weight gain came back and I started to be scared I would explode in weight by next week with all these changes. And still no exercise allowed. All the increased calories started adding up in my mind. I couldn’t just trust what my nutritionist said..that this was increase in cals, but only to get my lb per week. I was too filled with ED screaming "too much. Too much. Your body can't handle this. You can't trust her."

I called my sponsor in sheer panic, but with a plan. I would do all the changes, but not the increases yet. I was freaking out about my dad’s house because I didn’t know what foods were there and I knew what was there was probably higher calorie..but I wanted to be able to eat it. And now with all these changes..it just didn’t seem okay. So I decided would make changes, but not do meal plan increase. Then I would check weight on Friday and if weight wasn’t up I would add increases. I (well ED) had convinced me this was still being obedient and in recovery, but it wasn’t.

After talking to my sponsor I realized this was me trusting ED first instead of trusting my N who has yet to be wrong. I was telling her I was trusting ED and testing his hypothesis instead of trusting her to be right and testing ED to be wrong. So I did the semi-recovery thing. I decided I would do whole plan, trust N, weigh on Fri (today), and base off that whether the increase stayed. Well, I won’t let you keep holding your breath…my weight is same today. I haven’t gained at all despite eating very late and despite the next exciting news I have to offer.

Oh and the weird thing..I am kind of mad I didn’t gain. Okay not mad, but scared. Because I know I need to gain a lb per week to prove I am doing the right thing. Anyway..onto the more exciting news from yesterday

True Freedom

So now the exciting part…Wed I did what I always came home to my dad’s every weekend saying I would do: ate what was at his house regardless of calories. Just doing exchanges and what I want. It wasn’t easy..and I don’t know what made me finally be able to do it. Probably a combination of things.

I felt supported because my stepmom was there and I had told her my intent to eat scary foods. I had my sponsor there the whole time. I had a meal plan increase so no matter what I was going to be eating more calories. And honestly..I was just too tired to deal with all the number crunching of calories. I just wanted to be free…to enjoy the time with my stepmom and just eat. So…I did. I know it was partly because knew I would be weighing the next day and honestly I wanted to be able to tell everyone “Ha! See…I was right..my body is fucked up and I ballooned.”

So I just went for it. Ate what I wanted. Corn tortillas at lunch..CHECK! Frozen peaches….why not! Chicken that didn’t have the nutrition facts on it..I got that…just need 3 oz…doesn’t matter calories..thanks exchanges. Brown rice…NO PROBLEM! Grits with cayenne pepper! It was just freaking awesome. I used seasoning like my dad used to and like I was afraid to..cayenne pepper, curry powder..it was amazing. For a little bit.

At the end of the night it hit me I ate my meal plan increase and ate freely..and ED got loud…real loud. I felt overwhelmingly guilty…but the deed was done. In fact, my sponsor had to talk me through my last snack, because I wanted to restrict it. Well..ED wanted me to. But I didn’t. I ate my meal plan…I challenged myself.

It was amazing. I ate lunch at the table with my stepmom. Eating with people is huge fear. But it was amazing. We talked, we cried, we remembered my dad. I felt like family. I felt dare I say normal.

And I didn’t do my usual chores and all that. I just relaxed with her and watched TV and ate. There was something about being with her that made all the calorie worries fade away. I just felt normal and proud of myself. The guilt didn’t set in till she dozed off and I was alone with myself. So I went to bed guilty and scared…but knowing I did right thing.

And the next day..I was shocked. My timing had been horrid so I was convinced would have gained a ton. But my weight was exact same. I had been free….done what ED said I couldn’t..done increase for weight gain…and weight was same. In that moment I was so happy God had given me the courage and strength to trust my N not ED and go ahead and do increase and changes, to eat freely. I know I would still be waiting to increase because ED would be making excuses had I not just done it first and “tested” the increases instead of waiting to increase by testing partly increasing.

I look back and am so excited I did this. I have struggled a bit sense with the freedom aspect, but even tonight I had it a bit. I ate these gingerbread cookies (they are safe but still) instead of peas. It meant more calories, but I remembered exchanges not calories. And I enjoyed them so much more than peas. It was great. I also have realized why I struggled and will write about that later as this is getting long.

So in the end..in recovery…do the scarier option. Give your body, your team, your family, God a chance to surprise you. To show you your stronger and more capable than ED lies to you. Trust team, God, family first instead of ED. Fight to prove ED wrong not your team. Choose to just eat and be free. It’s a moment by moment process but it’s so worth it.

I felt so present. I felt like I was living. I was able to just talk and experience time with my stepmom instead of worrying so much about calories because I said fuck it and just didn’t let the thoughts dictate my life. And the next day we decorated ugly sweater cookies and I got to enjoy that time too. Because I decided food wasn’t going to matter. I was going to honor my dad and enjoy the moment. Sure food thoughts came up….but I didn’t latch onto them. I just said “No..I’m with my family right now. Sorry ED can’t talk to you right now.” It was amazing. Again..I am struggling with the calorie obsession again…but I think I know why..and I’m working through it.

Love you all…sorry this was long…keep fighting! And yes..I know it’s bad that this is still based on my weight and it not going up, but I’m working on that too. And I am actually scared that it’s not going up, because I want it to be up by lb this week. Don’t want to let others down or lose my chance at outpatient recovery. But it’s okay…recovery is about progress not perfection.

And I wanted to share that I ate what wanted, ED yelled I would gain a ton..and I didn’t Just to give those who have the same thing going on hope that ED is a liar and wrong. You won’t balloon. Just trust. But I know because people told me the same that it won’t seem true…not till you say fuck it, risk what ED says being true and your weight shooting up, and just do it. Weight is temporary…be honest…if ED is right and your weight shoots up..come on…if you want you can just lose it (I don’t propose doing this though). So what you are risking is temporary…but this freedom…freedom from ED it’s forever. So don’t play it safe and listen to ED…because in that you risk ever being able to live and be free…and that’s not temporary.