Had an amazing talk with Joanne tonight. She said something to me that others had been telling me, but that I was finally ready to hear. There is nothing I can do to change what happened, to bring dad back, to undo what happened last Wed. All I can do is live each and every day to honor his memory. And the last thing he would have wanted was me to relapse. The last thing he would want is for his loving, tender arms to be replaced with the deadly, debilitating claws of ED.
I really want to do as Joanne is choosing to do and put one foot in front of the other trusting my Heavenly Father and choosing to honor my father. Choosing to let his spirit live on through me. Choosing to hold onto his love of life, the sense of love he always filled me with, the hope he inspired in me and choosing life. As we spoke in some of our last texts…starting and ending each and every day with I choose life.
So how does this look? Well it means getting back on my meal plan first off. It means following EVERYTHING my team says and not skimping. It means doing the challenges I am faced with. And it means completely letting go and letting in to weight gain I desperately need. It means commiting to recovery no matter what. No matter if it means outpatient or inpatient. No matter if it means having to have every meal and snack with a person so I don’t skimp. No matter if it means having to get people to sign off on meals. No matter if it means the hospital. If it means recovery, it honors my dad, and it is what I should choose.
This also means doing something I have tried to avoid and giving my WHOLE family access to my team. My mom and Joanne. And letting them hold me accountable. Letting my team tell them my contract and letting them hold me to it. Sucking up my pride and letting them give me tough love just as I would find in the inpatient setting. It means having nowhere I can hide and act in ED while finding excuses as to how I am still in recovery. It means building the support I need and not giving ED even a small space in my life.
My dad taught me so much, motivated me so much, gave me so much hope for recovery and throwing my recovery away throws that out even more. In fact, my dad is still alive. He is in heaven and he can still teach me, motivate me, and give me hope. Unless I choose relapse. Choosing relapse kills his memory and does kill him. Choosing recovery lets my dad live on on earth through my actions and lets me stay connected to him.
I guess the pressure is on now too, because he will always be there. Unlike before when he was a part of my recovery but I could choose not to tell him when I am slipping, now he will know. And knowing he knows I am slipping, or cutting a portion, or manipulating others, or not obeying my nutritionist…that hurts me inside. So I should use his presence to motivate me and also to let me know that support, the support I would wait for a return call or e-mail or a visit to get…it is now there constantly. All I need to do is ask my dad to help me and he will. He will be there always. Through every struggle, meal, snack, challenge..he will be there. Cheering me on and smiling. I just have to choose to let him be there to support me. I have to choose life and to honor him.
This motivates me so much. I mean..I still don’t feel completely ready to come out of my lapse, but this did help me to increase my cals tonight. To choose to honor my dad. And you know what..I will live like my dad did to. Just in the moment. Choosing recovery for the moment. Not worrying about the next weigh-in or the next day or even the next meal. Just in that one moment making the choice of life.
Love you daddy. I will beat this, because in beating this, you live on. In beating this, you are with me. In beating this I honor you, honor our relationship, honor everything we share..and I honor myself…something you so wanted me to do. Can’t wait for you to be there each and every day cheering me on. Love you Papa Bear. Thanks for motivating me yet again.