Sunday, December 15, 2013

1st day no food scale!

I did it! Thanks to God, my sponsor, and friends I did it! I got through whole day without using the food scale for non-meat items. I also ate what I wanted...even a banana! It was scary..but I'm hoping it was worth it....guess it's time to see if freedom can be real! Here is my real the moment thoughts through it all. 

B-fast (9:30 am): not feeling well today. Scared to eat this early. I did weigh out the prunes last night and I know the weight of the English muffin half. Was tempted to re-check, but I didn’t. Was only able to eat ½ b-fast, but will finish rest at snack later. Scared that the cereal isn’t weighed out

Lunch (12:45 pm): This was harder than thought. The toast was from two different bags and though same brand, two different shapes so I really, really wanted to weigh and didn’t trust it. But no…a piece of bread counts as a piece of bread…no tearing, no weighing..just trusting. Didn’t weigh anything. Very scared…wanted to tear, or spill…anything. But I resisted. I am very scared. Tried to call sponsor, but she didn’t answer…I know this is right thing to do…just need a little reassurance…
I wanted to leave behind some peas or corns, but I didn’t…I refuse to make new standards and behaviors. This is test of complete freedom. I also didn’t spill my sunflower seeds. Getting scared for tomorrow

Snack (5:45 pm): Was so hungry didn’t even think about using food scale.Did still spill a little cereal, but out of habit. Finished other half of b-fast too J

Snack (8 pm): Got berated by mom and stepdad and threw me into deep depression. Person I wanted to call who could make it better…was my dad…and he is dead. I just can’t say anything right and feel like failure but REFUSED to let her steal my recovery and chance of freedom weigh-in tomorrow. So I made my bagel…granted with safest topping…but did it. Also was hungry and had HUGE binge urges…I don’t understand extreme hunger today. At first left behind some cocoa…but realized what I was doing so finished it all.

Dinner (9:45 pm): Tummy got upset right before this, but still did it even though wasn’t really hungry. Scariest meal of night. Two fear foods (soup and pita bread) when I can weigh them…and now I can’t weigh them! It was hard…but thanks to pray and support I didn’t weigh and got through J

Snack (11:15 pm): Didn’t choose fruit for this and of course brain wants a banana. SERIOUSLY! That’s my biggest fear fruit and ever since left treatment in 2011 have weighed them whenever I do eat them. But I couldn’t weigh it but if did safer fruit that was letting ED win too. So I did it and I’m freaking out. These bananas were the huge ones too...not safe ones I buy...Literally going nuts. Excited and nervous. This is the life I want..but right now its quite scary. 

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