Thursday, December 5, 2013

Gaining more than weight

Tonight weight loss made me lose yet another thing…my therapist. She has, as with many therapist past, deemed that I need inpatient or residential treatment to recover. I know I don’t…I just keep playing around in my outpatient recovery. I mean I was, before my dad died, recovering successfully outpatient for the first time. Not 100% successful and I was still a bit stubborn, but I was gaining weight, facing fear foods, and being compliant. It was amazing. But then I throw it all out because of the weight gain or just because I felt I could. And now…now yet another therapist has deemed me not capable of recovering outpatient.

Trust me, if I thought inpatient or residential would benefit me I would be there. Inpatient is so much easier than outpatient. People make meals for you, sign off on the meals, everyone (or well most everyone) there is having to gain weight so it makes it easier on you. There are no temptations and you don’t have to worry about the world. You just spend the days coloring and talking. It’s plain, it’s simple, but it’s not life. It does work for most people, especially residential treatment…but for’s just too easy. I go through the motions, gain the weight, but leave more disordered than when I went in. With more tools of the trade. So I leave..and lose the weight..and end up back at square one. And doing that again will kill me. So it’s time to actually fully recover outpatient. And that means gaining weight.
But today has shown me weight loss will only make me lose things. I lost precious opportunities to make memories with my dad, lost my health, now I lost my therapist…and I could lose my life. But gaining…gaining is more than weight. I gain so much more…so much I want.

By recovering, handing over weight gain worries to my nutritionist, and actually gaining to my healthy weight I don’t just gain weight….
  • I gain the ability to prove everyone wrong who thinks I need inpatient/residential.
  • I gain the chance to show just how strong my God is and that all things, including outpatient treatment, are possible through Him.
  • I gain the ability to prove I really am motivated and can do this outpatient. I keep telling people one thing, but by avoiding weight gain proving another.
  • I gain the ability to learn how to truly eat healthy. To eat healthy means to nourish your body to a healthy weight. It means not maintaining a deadly low weight. It means listening to proffessionals like nutritionist and letting them worry about your weight gain.
  • I gain the chance to go to Denver. I could never be in social work school at a deadly low weight….it will be obvious I am struggling with an eating disorder. Plus, I doubt I could survive the winters in Denver at such a low weight.
  • I gain the chance to share success with my nutritionist. At the end of the year to finally have recovered with her.
  • I gain independence from doctors. I won’t have to be worried about balancing graduate school and treatment. I will still have a nutritionist and probably therapist, but won’t have to have so many appointments. 
  • I gain the freedom from fearing being hospitalized. I won’t have to go to the doctor scared they will commit me.
  • I gain the ability to thank my dad and those still living for supporting me in my pursuit of outpatient recovery even when others were against it. They won’t have to regret their decisions.
  • I gain the ability to make happy memories with my family instead of them having to be scared I will die.
  • I gain the freedom from having to worry about weight gain, because I will reach a healthy weight and maintain.
  • I gain the ability to be active and live a healthy lifestyle. Right now it’s not even safe for me to do yoga.
  • I gain the chance to have a normal college life and to be able to experience it. I won't be so focused on food and weight even though I am gaining. Because gaining will be the focus of my nutritionist. 
  • I gain the pride of knowing I am fighting a disorder many don't overcome. Of knowing I am inspiring instead of scaring others. 
  • I gain experience of gaining weight outpatient which I can use to help others recovering from an eating disorder. I will have gained inpatient, residential, and outpatient. No better way to learn than from experience. 
  • I gain strength, both emotional and physical. I will be gaining muscled and gaining strength to overcome my fears. 
  • I gain the body the Lord designed me to have. The temple he designed my body to be. The strong, fortified temple...not this frail frame. 
  • I gain success. I won't have to say I was too sick to recover outpatient. I will be able to say I was strong enough and courageous enough and motivated enough to recover outpatient even with all the odds stacked against me. 
  • I basically gain freedom and life. I gain the recovery I so what, the one my dad believed I could achieve, and the one my support is just waiting for me to prove is possible for me because they know it is. 
  • I gain the chance to move on with life. For the focus of my life to not have to be weight gain because everyone will know I am gaining the appropriate weight and won't have to fear. Then I will be at a healthy weight and won't want to lose it and so weight gain will be over. I will never have to do it again and I can move on with life. 
  • I gain the ability to say and prove I am truly in recovery. 

There is just so much life for me to live and I can’t do that at this weight. This low weight will kill me. Gaining weight is part of recovery. It freaking is recovery. I can’t say I am in recovery if I am eating so little that my weight isn’t increasing. Gaining weight is the only way to gain freedom. Freedom from the naysayers, freedom from being deemed too difficult or sick, freedom from being everyone’s worry, freedom from having to defend my freedom…and most importantly freedom from ED.

I am just tired of having to fight to stay outpatient and this is an easy fight to end by proving I can recover outpatient by gaining weight. I wish eating fear foods was enough. I wish eating dessert was enough. I wish journaling was enough. But the true measure of recovery is gaining weight. Because if I am doing all those things and still not gaining weight...I am still with ED. Honestly, if I am not gain weight on a weight gain meal plan then I am restricting somewhere. Yes, life is more than numbers...but weight gain has to be a measure of recovery and it's time to measure up. So people don't have to fear, I don't have to fight and explain why I should recover outpatient, and so I can move on with life. 

It’s time to commit, to gain, to truly recover, and to be free.  I can't wait for this recovery including weight gain. Nutritonist sessions won't have to be...yes Jess you did great with freedom foods BUT you didn't gain. Coming home won't have to be, yes Jess we are so proud you got to eat dessert with us BUT you haven't gained weight. Reality is the way to prove I am recovering and am getting better is to do the one thing I am so scared to do and gain weight. I am ready to be recovered...ready to move on with life. But I can't move on from ED unless I gain weight and thus gain freedom. 

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