Sunday, December 22, 2013

Am I testing or trusting?

Well…I weighed today. Took one day off from scale and called that trusting. Then stepped back on today…after maintaining Th and Fri weigh-in. Felt huge…been eating late and on feet constantly at new job so legs in pain and swollen. Stepped on scale and as feared wt has shot up..whole lb in past two days. I tried to brush it off, but it haunted me. I realized this is crazy…that I need to go back to weekly weighing…it gives my body and myself longer to adjust to new plan. For my it time to get used to more food. For me…it gives me time to commit and get comfortable with plan without wanting to throw it out. So why had I gone back to daily weighing? Especially after having last weeks weigh-in show loss…and this week seeing the maintenance for few days. All these things should make me trust…so what was keeping me from weighing weekly?

Tonight I found the answer. I don’t trust my N, my body, my meal plan, food, God…nope…I test those things. You see…saying I will follow plan if only gain 1 lb per week, questioning everything about plan and every change my N made in fear gain will be too much, questioning every food craving I have, constantly thinking about next weigh-in when eating…these things don’t stem from trust. They stem from fear that my N is trying to make me gain rapid, that even if she wanted to she can’t control my weight gain because my body is terminally unique and somehow can’t process foods, that eating what I crave and trusting my food decisions will cause rapid gain because I can’t be trusted (stems from my history when I was obese), and that God is out to punish me because I screw up so much. Complete distrust….and so it leads to me to go back to daily or every other day weighing. I convince myself somehow I am still trusting especially if I stick to plan when weight is up…but I am not trusting. I’m testing.

When focus is scale I am really just testing N, myself, God, meal plan, food. I am eating just to see if my fear is true. I’m not sure what true trusting would look like. I guess not making things dependent on the scale. Not saying I am only going to eat this freely if only gain a lb per week. Not weighing daily but waiting for weekly weigh-ins and only letting changes occur if N wants them. But I can’t just shut off the part of my brain that will still constantly be wondering and worrying over weigh-in. I wish weight wasn’t such a focus in recovery…but it’s the only measure I know to see if body handling food. It’s just hard when I know my food plan is for weight gain…so handling food means weight going up. And it’s hard wt gain isn’t controlled…it won’t be exactly 1 lb every week. So my test isn’t even that fair or accurate. And I don’t want to test food, my N, myself, God…I want to trust that food is fuel and that my body can handle it, that my N has my best interest in heart, that God is in control and His plan is best, that I can trust myself and my choices with food. I just don’t know how…but testing isn’t working.

You see even when I eat a fear food and don’t gain or have that day of freedom like did Wed and don’t gain or have week like did last week and actually lose…I don’t gain any trust. And this is when I am not gaining….when I gain a lb per week which would show body and food and N can be trusted..I really don’t trust any more then.But even these times I maintain/lose I don’t trust. I mean…momentarily I do. Like take Wed for example…ate freely and Thurs didn’t gain. Yet still come Thurs night I was scared I would balloon…Fri wt was same. So I felt okay for most part Fri…even tried some sweets, but whole time was freaking out was gonna gain. Despite having proof I wasn’t gaining I was scared I would. And then I weighed today (Sun) and gained and any shred of trust was thrown away. How can I have countless weigh-ins that prove to me can trust and yet I don’t trust anymore…and then I have one scary weigh-in and all signs trust out the window. This doesn’t seem fair. And I typing it out..I see it’s because daily weighing to “check” and test myself, N, food, body, God…it’s all tied up in ED. And ED will never be happy…never let me trust…so his test will never be passed.

So what do I do now? How do I really trust? I know answer is to not focus on scale..but how do I do that? I know going back to weekly weigh-ins be a start…but still I will get scared the night before weigh-in. Will still worry what will happen with weight. And can’t not weigh because need to gain weight…so this is so confusing. I just want to trust…how do I start?

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