Tonight I found the answer. I don’t trust my N, my body, my meal plan, food, God…nope…I test those things. You see…saying I will follow plan if only gain 1 lb per week, questioning everything about plan and every change my N made in fear gain will be too much, questioning every food craving I have, constantly thinking about next weigh-in when eating…these things don’t stem from trust. They stem from fear that my N is trying to make me gain rapid, that even if she wanted to she can’t control my weight gain because my body is terminally unique and somehow can’t process foods, that eating what I crave and trusting my food decisions will cause rapid gain because I can’t be trusted (stems from my history when I was obese), and that God is out to punish me because I screw up so much. Complete distrust….and so it leads to me to go back to daily or every other day weighing. I convince myself somehow I am still trusting especially if I stick to plan when weight is up…but I am not trusting. I’m testing.
So what do I do now? How do I really trust? I know answer is to not focus on scale..but how do I do that? I know going back to weekly weigh-ins be a start…but still I will get scared the night before weigh-in. Will still worry what will happen with weight. And can’t not weigh because need to gain weight…so this is so confusing. I just want to trust…how do I start?