Today I decided I am done. No, not with recovery..well obviously because I’m still not getting my meal plan in. But I am done with weight loss. I am done with doing everything to avoid gaining. I am ready to just let it happen. If it happens faster than I want to not throw in the towel, but let my nutritionist change my meal plan accordingly. I am ready to just gain at the rate it happens, because as I saw in the past month…it may shoot up, but then the next week gain nothing, so it all balances out. But I am done with losing weight. It’s just gotten old. And that’s not just all I am done with. Because being done with losing weight and committing to gaining the weight my body desperately needs means:
I am done with avoiding weight gain that is going to happen whether I want it to or not. I have to gain it or I will die and I want to do it outpatient.
I am done with setting myself up for failure by saying what I am going to do with my intake if weight goes up a certain amount. This is my nutritionist role not mine.
I am done being afraid of fruits and vegetables because they may make me gain too fast. I want to be free to eat what I want. To give my body a chance to learn how to process all foods so one day I can maintain and eat what I want.
I am done with calorie counting, fat counting, carb counting. I want to learn to love and appreciate food like my dad did. I am tired of food being numbers. I want food to be freedom and nutrients and something I can enjoy.
I am done with controlling my food and sticking to “rules” I have made up. I am ready to learn how to eat, enjoy, love, and experience food again. I am ready to finally learn what healthy is. Including a healthy weight.
I am done using exercise to control weight gain. I want to incorporate the amount of exercise my N deems appropriate when she dreams it appropriate so I can have a healthy relationship with it.
I am done with going to doctor’s scared they will put me in hospital.
I am done with letting weight dictate how I respond to my N and what food challenges I face. I want to just say Yes from now on. In fact, I don’t even want to be given options to say No. I want my N to just tell me this is what you are doing and then I can choose to disobey her but I won’t because….
I am done with disobeying my team out of fear. I am not guaranteed them forever and want to use them for as long as I am blessed to have them. Hanging myself up on weight gain and the scale…it keeps me from wanting to obey them because it keeps my focus on ED.
I am done dishonoring my father and all he has taught me and all the ways he believed in me. I am ready for his spirit to live on through me and for him to guide me. This means being obedient and doing all my team tells me as he always wanted. It means gaining weight.
I am done with standing in the way of my future. This weight is not sustainable or liveable. I have to gain weight in order to live and have to live in order to have a future.
I am tired of contradicting myself and going against what I would advise my friends or the girls I will be working with in my career to do. I am ready to experience recovery and weight gain so I can know and experience what they may have to go through.
I am just done with it all. Done with losing weight. With being trapped in this disorder. With stopping weight gian because its too fast, too high, too scary. It’s time to give weight gain worries to my team. I will still worry about them, but I am done letting them dictate my life. I am done with this circle. It’s time to move on.
My dad would want me free and living so it’s time I allow that to happen. And that only comes with weight gain. With obedience. With pushing through the fear.
It won’t be easy. I have proven that as I relapsed yet again even despite my motivation to get better. I will feel disgusting, huge, fat. But I won’t be any of those things..I will just feel them. And like all other feelings they will pass. And in those moments I will try to see myself through my daddy’s eyes. He always said he saw me as strong and beautiful and courageous no matter what. No matter my weight or status in recovery. In my dad’s eyes I was perfect the way I was..imperfections and all. He looked at me with this look that just made me feel like I was enough. So when weight gain gets hard and I feel like giving up or skimping portions or exercising, I will choose to honor my dad and to look up to Heaven…close my eyes…and see him looking back..making me feel more than enough.
My dad wanted me to gain weight. He wanted to help in any way he could, but there was nothing he could do. Especially when he wasn’t always around to cheer me on. But now he is. He will be there every day, cheering me on, and reminding me I am done with weight loss. I just have to choose to listen. Each and every day, each and every meal/snack, each and every moment..choose to hear his voice, see his face, and choose recovery.
Yes, I still only want to gain a lb per week, but I am done stressing each week with miniscule amounts above or below. If my N says it’s still in good range and isn’t too drastically off from lb per week then that is what I will choose to believe. Because she knows a lot more about healthy weight gain than I do. And it’s time to let go. Because I am done with past…I am ready for the future.