Monday, December 23, 2013

I just don't want relapse...that scares me

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Despite my insight yesterday I weighed myself today and up almost a whole lb from yesterday. Yes, I freaked. First off, I am now over 90 lbs. This means I weigh more than I have since Feb when I first hit the 80s and it freaks me out. First instinct was to cry…and relapse. To not eat today.

But something different happened this time. There was a loud part of me screaming “Please…please don’t. Relapse is misery. You get terrified over how much to cut and weight doesn’t seem to come off fast enough and now it would be over 4 lbs to lose and that will take forever. It will be like a month in misery. And for what? So you can have to be checked inpatient and do this all again. Please…please fight Jess.”

I felt like an insane person. Half of me was shouting to restrict. That that was only answer. It was saying: “See now you have gained more than a lb in this week. Probably be another 3 lb gain week. Your body can’t be trusted. You maintained for two days and now look…you got more active with your job and your legs swelled because you are getting fat super fast. Your body can’t be trusted, food can’t be trusted, you need to eat less.”

I realized I was in this place again. I didn’t get my way. I didn’t only gain 1 lb this week (granted weigh-in with N isn’t till tom and week weigh-in isn’t till Wed so weight may go back down). It isn’t perfect and in control like I want it (btw in control means 1 lb or less in my book per week). So how do I want to express my fear, disappointment, anxiety. By using my eating disorder. I didn’t get my I want to restrict. But that makes no sense. Why punish myself? Relapsing doesn’t hurt anyone else…just me. So because I don’t like my circumstances…I punish myself? It just doesn’t make sense anymore.

The rational side of me also says…”The only thing you have changed since you were maintaining is you started working. Your legs are swollen and sore. You have been eating later. All of these things can lead to water weight…water retention. That’s what some of this may be. That makes sense. Once you stop working and soreness will some of the weight most likely. Keep with the plan. Relapse is not the answer.”

So…I am going to eat my plan. Yes..partly its because I am hoping this is water weight and will go down…but also..I’m just tired of relapsing. Tired of the misery. Tired of going backward in life. My dad would want me to move forward. I want to move forward. And I still have more weight to gain. I think I am partly scared of maintenaince…and am scared I will get to my maintaining weight super fast. I have always been losing or gaining so maintaining scares me a lot. It’s an experience I have never had and that scares me.

But for now I am gaining. For now I am choosing to do right thing. To keep on this plan and trust my N. And I am really thinking maybe weekly weigh-ins are best. At least then I only freak out once a week. 

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