Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Pushing through rapid weight gain

So it happened. The thing I had been blessed to not have to experience in recovery yet…rapid weight gain. I have been on the plan just 5 days now and today was weigh-in day. I have gained 3.6 lbs. I am right back at the weight I was when I left school. And I’m pissed…and I’m scared..and honestly at first I felt I had to relapse. I didn’t want to relapse, but it felt the only weigh.

But then I called my sponsor (okay she called me and after the 3rd phone call I actually picked up) and through venting and talking with her and now praying some I decided I’m not going to relapse. IT just makes no sense. What is the point. So I can lose again and do this again. Each time I relapse the initial weight gain gets more and more…because I get my body sicker and sicker.  That’s all this weight gain shows..just how sick and desperate my body is. It’s so desperate for food its holding onto it and weight for dear life.

And there are some logic things here too. I look at my stomach and see its poofed out which shows its water/food weight..not fat on my body. It’s just my body hoarding food because its scared I will lapse again. I also know I haven’t been pooing as much as normal. I’m also not using laxatives like I was last week. I am also just eating more food which weighs more. All of these things would cause me to retain water/food weight. Thus the dramatic increase in weight.

Now why to push through? Well I got to thinking about my future. My goal to work as a social worker for girls with eating disorders. What am I going to do when they have a week where their weight shoots up? Am I going to have to look them in the face and tell them when that happened to me I lapsed. To tell them not to do that though because I had read about when rapid weight gain happens and you push through it slows down. Or am I going to be able to tell them from experience what happens when you push through? By choosing recovery today I can do the latter. I am curious too..but the only way to find out what happens is to push through.

Also, I want to recover outpatient and I want to be able to see my weight in recovery. If I relapse, it is proof I need to go inpatient because any time I gain weight (even though this is a lot) I lapse. It also shows I can’t see my weight and recover. IT proves everyone right…and I don’t want that. I want to to do recovery the way I think I can..and I have to prove that is possible.

Also..I honestly don’t want to go back to relapse. I feel that’s what I should do..but it’s not what I want to do. I don’t want to go back to the misery, the calorie counting, the exercise…all that shit…just to get back to this exact same place.Why lose weight when I will just have to gain again. And what if the gain is rapid again. Do I just keep relapsing till I get my way.  What if that never happens. Because each relapse seems to make my initial weight jump even scarier because my body is even sicker.

Because that’s what relapsing right now is. Instead of saying I am angry, scared, frustrated, confused, and want things to go my way I would relapse. Honestly out of rebellion. I am mad at God for letting this happen and so I would show Him. I would relapse just as a form of payback. And sure it hurts God..but it hurts me more and gets me nowhere.

And what if what everyone says is true. What if this week is rapid…but next week I lose or don’t gain. Then it kind of evens out. But if I lapse I will never know and will forever be scared of the rapid weight gain and be a slave to its fear. I will never be able to say I faced rapid weight gain and with the strength of God pushed through. IT will be something that defeated me instead of something I defeat.

And I know my dad would have wanted me to push through. I mean when he died I felt bad because I hadn’t gained. Because he had never seen me in the 90s. And now here I sit having gained weight which would have made him proud…and I want to throw it all away. That doesn’t honor him, doesn’t honor his memory. I know right now he is in Heaven looking down cheering me on. Telling me what he would have was he on earth. That it’s just one week. You can’t tell what’s real or not. That I need to let my body heal and that if I can’t do this and I lapse…then when I hit that low weight, that rock bottom again…I need to go inpatient. But he would also tell me he knows I can push through and that this is a good thing for me even if ED says its not. That the more ED is yelling it means the more I am fighting.

So I guess I’m going to push through. Do the next right thing. Experience this new adventure in recovery. The rapid rate gain road. I’ve never traveled this road and I know this means next week…or probably sooner…I will be above 90 lbs…exactly what I had been avoiding. I was so happy I had lost down to 86 lbs because I figure would be at least 3 weeks before had to face 90 lbs. That I would be going back to school only being 91 lbs…well..that may still be case…I don’t know..but its seeming like it won’t be. That my way isn’t going to be the way…and I just have to be okay with that. I have to submit to God’s will…and push on. So…I’m gonna do the next right thing…I’m going to eat breakfast. 

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