Today has been another hard one. Woke up feeling bloated and didn’t want to eat, but then went to church and there was my favorite song Oceans, then they had spur of moment prayer for anyone who lost parent this year, and then the sermon was on obedience and following God…basically I felt God wrapping his arms around me and telling me it was okay to follow Him. So I did. Well..kind of.
Church also involved communion and of course ED started screaming about calories so I decided to drop two exchanges to make up for it. Wanted to drop three, but didn’t. Part of me felt this might be wrong to do so I text my N but I knew she wouldn’t respond. Other support told me not to drop exchanges, but I did it anyway.
I kept going through the motions of the day…living by my new 12-step approach of doing the next right thing, but it was getting harder because I had no motivation to do it. Luckily I had a meeting tonight and got to share just that. That I felt wrong because I was doing what felt wrong without knowing why. It was great because someone else shared about how that’s the great thing about the program and why it works. You leave the whys…why am I doing this, what’s my motivation, why do I have ED, etc, etc to therapy and you just do the next right thing. It’s not the recovery I am used to…I am so used to the treatment mentality..but that keeps you in your head. Trying to analyze everything, figure out your feeling and motivation…I mean it’s good…but unlike treatment taught me it’s not the end all be all. What’s crucial is doing the next right thing. Turning the feelings and motivation issues over to God and just doing what you know is the better decision. The recovery decision. Hearing that this was normal and the right thing helped me so much.
Then I got to my car and guess who I had a text from..yep…my N. Telling me I couldn’t drop the exchanges. I flipped…wanted to throw in towel because now if I didn’t obey my N and still skimped exchanges I wasn’t choosing recovery so what was point of eating at all. But I did next right thing and called my sponsor. I vented, yelled, pouted…tried to feel bad about myself..but she did what she always did and screwed my head back on right. There obviously was a part of me that wanted to do those exchanges and be obedient or I wouldn’t have text my N. There was a part of me that knew it was wrong to do to cut my exchanges. And honestly, I want to be a normal person who has communion, experiences the spiritual experiences, and can move on. Where its about Christ not calories. And listening to my N was next right thing.
It was nice just getting all the thoughts out and I did next right thing and have done the exchanges and even the fear food I planned for night.
So today has taught me a lot.
Need action not motivation. You don’t have to figure out why you should do something or why you don’t want to. You don’t have to figure out what the consequence may be. You just have to do the next right thing. You just have to act your way into right thinking. Sometimes being in your head and searching for the whys is just ED trying to keep you from doing the next right thing..because if you are busy analyzing and thinking you aren’t acting.
Partial obedience is disobedience. This was actually part of the sermon which I will share later, but had I eaten my meal plan minus those exchanges knowing my N said to do the exchanges…I wouldn’t have been in recovery. Old me would say I was because I was still eating…but it would be only partial obedience and that isn’t obedience at all.
Just focus on next right thing. I am finding this is really helping me. I just need to focus on this moment and what I need to do in the moment. I just concentrate on one meal/snack at a time. Not the whole day, not even the whole hour…just this one moment.
I’m excited for this recovery…for what it is teaching me. Still freaking out about body changes..but won’t focus on that till Wed when have numbers.