Wednesday, May 1, 2013

The True Fear of Recovery

I have finally come out to someone close to me about why I am so scared of weight gain. Why there is still a part of me that wants to lose more before I actually start the process. About why I am so desperate for maintenance. I am scared I am going to gain weight the same way I have in the past. Still using disordered behaviors, sticking to only safe food, and ending up at a healthy weight but being anything but healthy mentally. I am so desperate to be different this time. To do things different this time. But I don't trust I can.

So my bright idea is to fix everything now and see I can do that and maintain and THEN gain. It’s like I have to be undisordered enough to start gaining….let me tell you that hasn’t worked out so well. Slowly I have fixed my portions (well…except my fat exchanges), but now I get scared even the slightest increase in weight is my body going ahead and starting weight gain before I am ready. It has made it a mental mess and made me even more afraid of food. So sure portions have gotten better, but I have gotten nowhere closer to undisordered…which only drives my panic and desire to control my weight in maintenance. And this panic is heightened by the fact I go back to a nutritionist in two weeks.

I am just so scared. I am scared to start this process wanting it to be different when I don’t feel I have enough “buffer weight” as I like to call it. I feel I don’t have enough to gain for the process to be slow enough for me to make mistakes. I am scared I will use behaviors (cut portions, choose safe items only, etc) and lie about it like I have in the past. And then will wait two or three weeks till the guilt gets so overwhelming I tell the truth. But what if I still gain in those weeks…then I have lost buffer. So I feel I need to have more weight to gain so I have more room for these errors. But…as always…nothing is enough for ED.

A quote I made up. I need to lay plans ahead and just start taking steps.
Let the path guide me. 
I mean it just scares me. Embarking on a new path. Actually WANTING this to be the last time I go through this whole mess. That is going to mean doing things different…it’s going to mean that honestly I can’t prepare..because I don’t know what I am preparing for. It means actually trusting others instead of myself and my old patterns. It means an actual ending to my 14-year marriage to ED. It means learning to eat for once in my life. And all of that is scary. And for me…the only way to fix fear is to plan..but I can’t plan…so I want to just get everything right and tidy and then start the process. And thus…I am stuck in maintenance.

It’s so strange. It’s like I am so desperate to recover that it is almost holding me back. I want this recovery to be perfect. I want to be complete, whole, eating normally, and unafraid of food the moment I hit my goal weight or even sooner. I want to learn how to eat (because literally…I have no idea…thank you ED since I was age 6) but am scared the way I have been and am accustomed to eating will get in the way. I am scared I will not be eating normally when I reach normal weight and then be too scared to change because scared to gain…and thus I will relapse again just to be underweight so I can “do it right.”

I honestly am just scared and confused. Give me an exam, I can ace it. Give me a dog, I can train it. But put food in front of me…I don’t know how to make a proper, non-anorexic meal or what is normal eating vs a food ritual. Put recovery in front of me and I don’t know what to do. But I am a perfectionist so I just feel this drive to get it right this time. But unlike tests which I know how to study for or dogs that I have learned the best methods to train…I don’t know how to do recovery right.

Part of me (a major part) is scared in this…but part of me is excited when I think about it. This means a new future without a piece of grey from my past. If I am trying something new…really go into this fresh and clean slate…there is no past failures that can interfere really.  If I actually listen to and trust an N I have no bad experinces to pull from…because I have never completely given into what a N says…always tried to negotiate. So can only get better. If doing it my way..negotiating and all me to a bad place…then doing the opposite and what those who are happy and recovered in my life have done..aka listen to someone other than myself and doing as they say….well…it should have opposite effect…it should get me to an amazing place.

So this is a new journey I am embarking on and I am scared because I can’t plan for it and I don’t know where it will lead. But I guess I can only do my best and give it a shot. I can always go back to doing what I have been doing. I mean I can just give it one week, maybe two…two week with the new nutritionist…just see what happens. But that means a week of complete commitment. If I am completely more miserable than how I am now…then I can come straight back to this meal plan and this life. It’s worth a risk isn’t it? I mean I risked my life for this lifestyle…why not risk a little weight gain for the possibility of happiness? I will never know till I try…so in two weeks and counting..I am gonna give recovery a shot. I am going to take it a moment at a time…I am going to enjoy this journey down the path I have never taken. Who knows…maybe the journey will be one along the rainbow…and at the end I will find my pot of gold. 
I ain't too shabby when it comes to making art am I :p

1 comment:

  1. It's hard to fully recover. I'll be honest- the first time I recovered from my eating disorder, I definitely focused on safe foods only (with the exception of dessert- that was what I used to gain weight). Then, I started bingeing because I was allowing my body to have a glimpse of what a normal amount of food was and went into a year of restricting and bingeing and compulsive exercise. Now, for the first time in 4 years, I'm not restricting, I'm not bingeing, and I'm not only eating "safe" foods. I buy gas station hot chocolate every single morning to go with my bagel and butter (I haven't eaten butter on bagels in 3 years). That never would have happened in regular recovery. It's all about changing the mindset first I think!! Good luck :)