Today at my N session I realized something I do that I never realized. When things in life are going different than how I desire, I use anorexia to punish myself. Even if I don’t do anything wrong I just feel when things are going wrong something or someone needs to be blamed…so I turn to restriction to punish myself, thus taking the blame. It just makes it feel like the just thing is happening…that someone is being punished and the situation is being handled. The reality though is I never go through the pain and just carry the situation with me as I refuse to face reality….unless it’s the reality I want.
This came out at the end as I realized I am scared to lose my grandpa and I hate seeing him so upset and lonely. I don’t feel he deserves to be hurt like that. He deserves to have my grandma by his side but she is dead and I don’t feel that is right. And right after I saw him…I just wanted to restrict. I immediately started trying to figure out if I could skip meals later in the day. Why? Because I was mad and didn’t like reality and figured if I punished myself enough it would make everything feel alright like it always does. In fact, that whole day I restricted till after we left because it brought a strange peace. I felt like shit and was tired, but at least I didn’t have to feel the pain of the situation.
This happens with less so serious things too. A huge trigger for me…doing poorly or feeling I did poorly on an exam. Even if everyone is struggling with it and even if I studied all I could, if I don’t feel I did good enough then I feel I need to be punished and thus I need to restrict. I get this weird, sick peace because someone is being blamed. It just brings sense to the situation for me and because someone (me) is being punished I feel the wrong has been made right. But looking at it now…that makes me sad.
It makes sense though. Growing up in the house I did, someone always had to be punished…now I just play that out in my life. But I don’t feel I can punish anyone else….or control other people…so I punish the self. I can’t control life, so I control punishment…even though it’s not right either. You know why I can’t punish someone else…because no one is to blame for reality. Reality just is..it’s not good or bad. Well actually..if I believe in God, the reality is always just as it should be. It may not seem it to me because it’s different than what I want..but it doesn’t mean it’s bad…it’s just different. I just get uncomfortable sitting with something that doesn’t feel right because it’s not the way I want it. That’s why I punish myself and since no one wants to be punished…no wonder I spend so much time in the future…it keeps me from having to face reality.
But what if things could be different? What if I could stay in the reality of the present and accept it as just how it is supposed to be. What if when reality was different from what I want I accepted that and felt the emotions that come with it. What if I talked it out with someone, let the emotions out, and accepted reality…however imperfect it seems. Because though it may seem imperfect to me…if my life is in God’s hands as I believe it is…then right now…my life is exactly how it should be.