I still need to update you all on my N session which was amazing and scary, but a big thing that came from it is she wants me to stop rationalizing and instead just escape from my brain. Picture a stop sign, then picture my future job as a social worker at an ED clinic, and then picture God or my bro or both there wrapping me in their arms, telling me: "I am here. Everything will be okay." It's worked amazingly as you shall see. I also talk about two behaviors she has changed to ensure I get right nutrients for my body: no cucumbers, minimum cals for exchanges, and measuring meat cooked.
Despirte the struggles, I am happy to say through prayer, journaling, and God's strength I got through these two struggles...so here you go. But this is from in the moment...so may be possible trigger.
Exercise Obsession Exhausts you More than Exercise
I will admit I have realized today just how crazy my
obsession with movement is. I am sitting her contemplating doing yoga today
even though I don’t feel like it. The problem is I don’t have much to do today,
there is nothing to clean, nothing to organize…so I am just sitting around. And
to me if I am sitting around then why should I eat? Wouldn’t that mean I need
less? We have a family walk planned tonight, but that’s not till tonight and
its only 30 minutes. So what about all the food I am eating right now? In my
mind sitting around it is just becoming fat. But I know if I go do any activity
then it is totally ED and totally would have to do with burning calories. So
what am I to do?
Plus there is the yoga problem. I only get to do it three
times a week. So if I do it today that’s already twice this week….and that
wouldn’t work out so well. I had planned on doing it Thurs and Fri, but then I
realized I wouldn’t be able to do it Sat or Sun. Well, I have to do it on Friday
because my family is going to the gym, so maybe I could do the other on eon
Sat…but then that means I wil have done no activity for two days in a row. At
least tomorrow I am out at the barn….that is some activity. I just feel I need
to get up and move and do something. Go on a walk, a hike, something. But I
feel I am not allowed to because it is ED related. But honestly…sitting around
like this can not be healthy.
I am trying to figure out what “normal” people do with their
time…how are they not lazy? I know this may be better once my job picks up but
right now, today….all I can focus on is how much time I have been spending
sitting on my butt not moving. But I already organized my room and the
bathroom…unpacked everything….there is literally nothing to do. I could study
for the GRE or do latch hook, but again…that is just sitting. And I know pacing
around my house isn’t normal at all so I shouldn’t do that. And I’m not
approved for walks…but I am going crazy here. My mind is racing and I just
can’t justify being this lazy.
Maybe this is when I need to get out that stop sign and just
get out of my head. But how do I get out of my head if any activity I do
(journaling, latch hook, studying) is all just being more lazy. Seriously…at
least on campus I had to walk to dining halls and stuff. I just feel now that I
am at home I walk around a lot less….and thus burn less calories…and thus need
to eat less. But my meal plan just increased so I don’t get that luxury. I
guess I just feel I need to earn my food. That my body needs to be
functioning…doing something productive in order for me to eat. But honestly…I
am exhausted. Walking tonight will be fun…but right now…just going out for a
walk…it would just pacify ED…so I don’t know what to do. I don't want to let other people down...I don't want to "fail" at my new plan on day 2. I want to push through this...I do...I just...I can't justify it...I can't rationalize out of my mind. Where the hell is that stop sign...I just need to get out of my brain.
Well I ended up just
organizing a little and then sitting down and doing lunch while latch hooking….eventually
the voice settled down. Once my family got home and I spent time with them it really settled. I had to pull on knowing that others believed in me and resisted exercise because I wanted them to be proud...hope one day I can do it just because it's the right thing to do for me. I still feel very guilty, but I am working on
understanding I don’t need to be active. Just need to picture stop sign and do it...at least until my mind is safe place to be.
Chicken about Chicken
So yesterday the big struggle of the day was the veggies and
not being allowed my safe cucumbers, but honestly today I enjoyed that as I
looked at it as a chance to face some veggies I haven’t eaten in a while. But
now…well now I am chicken about chicken. I have to measure my meat cooked now…I
don’t trust that at all. How am I going to know that 3 oz cook really is
portion. When you cook even microwave..you lose .2 oz. So my 3 oz may not have
been 4 oz after all. My mind races with what if I have extra calories. Luckily,
I have good friends who are having me rephrase is as possibly (not even
guaranteed) I am getting more protein which means more muscle. But again…it’s
not enough to rationalize. Guess I just have to picture stop sign and picture
those girls I am going to help…and God sitting there saying “It’s going to be
okay. I am here.” It’s more normal to measure cooked and that’s the hope I want
to provide for the people I help in the treatment center. To just trust that
the chicken is the right amount…that they need and deserve it. I need and
deserve these nutrients….no matter what ED says I need and deserve this.
Okay..stress over…man this journaling thing helps. Now..off to eat this chicken...the people I will help in my future deserve it...I deserve it. God is here..I will be okay. This is His gift to me...now it's time to accept this gift. 
Hi there.
ReplyDeleteI read your blog pretty regularly but don't respond. But I wanted to respond to this one, because 'lazy' is something that I can identify with. I wanted to give you a few thoughts to consider...
First, that incessant drive to 'move' and 'be busy' is an effect of malnourishment and starvation. Its a hormonal response. You starve a mouse, and it will increase its wheel-running. So that obsession and drive to always MOVE is a neurobiological response to the anorexia. I use that for a lot of self-talk to calm myself down sometimes. Its a symptom of anorexia.
Second, a friend of mine (also anorexic) has the same issue and her father reframed it for her in a really nice way. She complained about not getting things done and being lazy...very similar to how you described it. You said you didn't want to latch hook, or read, or journal because it was being lazy. But is it? It is being busy. It is doing something. It just isn't MOVING. MOVING IS NOT THE SAME THING AS BEING BUSY AND NOT MOVING DOESN'T EQUAL LAZYNESS. You can complete a latchhook, finish a really good book, do some crosswords, etc., and that is being productive and busy. It isn't being lazy. Its your ED that thinks that. Your ED thinks that you have to move or you are being lazy.
YOU NEED TO REDEFINE YOUR DEFINITION OF BUSY VS LAZY.
I have anorexia and I was on bedrest for three months (unrelated to the AN). I was pregnant with twins and I was high risk and I wasn't allowed to get up except to go to the bathroom. I had to redefine being busy: I defined it as taking care of myself, learning new things, growing two babies, etc. And now that my kids are bigger and I spend a lot of time sitting on the floor playing with them, I have redefined it as spending time with my children and being a mom. Am I 'moving'? No. Would you say that I am not busy? That I am lazy because I am sitting reading a book to them?
Finally, I encourage you to rethink food in general. I overthink too (again, a symptom of malnourishment). Weighing out food, etc....you're treating food solely as fuel. It is so much more. Food is not just gas for your tank. You don't 'earn' food. You need food to pump your blood, work your brain, etc...so in a way it is a source of fuel. But it is also an ethnic and social thing...meals are a communal experience. Whole societies bond over food. Different cultures are defined by their food and food choices. To break it down into just the weight of a chicken, how many x carbs/fats/protein it is...takes away all the joy and turns it into just gas for a car. Try to look at the whole experience.
3 oz vs 4 oz...at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. Even weighing out food is going to be inexact. One apple won't be the same as another, one method of cooking chicken is going to be different than another. It is impossible to be 100% accurate. So relax about it.
I really like your blog. I think you work really hard at challenges and I really think you can go far. You have to fight those biological urges and talk back to yourself saying that they are just symptoms and you deserve better.
This means so much to me and is so helpful. I know I need to rethink both food and activity and what it means to be productive. I also with my N realized I use exercise to "release" fear, but really it doesn't release it, it just keeps it all inside.
DeleteI never knew that malnourishment actually drives all this. That is an amazing reason for me to resist it.
I am trying to look at the weight of food as more than calories. More chicken means more protein which can help me rebuild muscle. I am trying to work on seeing the nutrients not just numbers.
I thank you so much for reading and responding. Hoping this will allow others to comment too.