I recently decided to distance myself from one of my main supports because I was realizing I was becoming co-dependent and it was becoming detrimental not only to my relationship with her, but was also beginning to really affect my recovery and trust in myself. I was unable to eat or make any decisions around food without her guidance and I would go into full blown panic attacks unless she speedily would respond to texts. This wasn’t fair to her or to me and so I decided to do something that’s been on my heart to do: I pulled away from her and turned towards God. It was the hardest thing I have done in a while. I have missed talking with her, but honestly this has opened a new path for me and I definitely think it will heal her and my’s relationship. I have taken all the time I spent desperately draining her and me with texts, messages, and more and instead talked with God and asked Him. I think this may lead to more freedom in our relationship as I put my trust and decisions in God and use her for support. Our friendship, not my recovery, can become the point of our relationship...but that means continuing to follow and trust God first.
Following God was at first really hard, but as the day progressed I realized my joy and that the strength I had relied on others for was in me the whole time thanks to the Spirit. I literally asked God about everything…what to eat, timing, food rituals, etc. I was in constant communication with Him and it was amazing. It was definitely hard though as ED tried to tell me I was hearing Him wrong or that it was too much too fast. God led me to do tons of fear foods, challenge a lot of food rituals, and challenge my food timing and fear of hunger and all in one day. I was so scared, but honestly it was so easy to trust Him because I had a realization.
God created my body. He hand-made it and designed it to be able to use food. He also provided me with food that is meant to nourish me, not to make me fat. God has great plans for me, His word tells me so. He also knows and cares about my fear of ballooning and gaining weight too fast and He won’t let that happen. So when I listen to Him, then I am following His plan, and His plan will keep anything not in line with the best for me from happening. So by following God I don’t have to trust myself or really my body, I just trust Him and for some reason that is easy for me to do.
With trusting others, ED can sneak in and say they don’t understand my body or how food will help me. I don’t feel I can trust myself because I have binged ate before. But God? He MADE my body….who knows my body better than the Creator of it. And God has control over everything. He already knows what tomorrow will bring and how He will get me through it. He already knows the riches He has for me and is just waiting for me to follow His lead so I can claim them and the victories He desires for me. So if God knows my body completely, already knows what tomorrow will bring (including my weigh-in), knows my fear of rapid weight gain and wouldn’t give me any fear I can’t handle or any harm, and has only the best plans for me….then why wouldn’t I trust Him? Honestly I don’t know. But trusting Him…it has allowed me so much more confidence in my food choices including fears. He has brought me so much peace and joy and all because I finally trusted Him for it all.
I want to continue to rely completely and wholly on God…but I also know He desires community for me and I want to learn how to use others for support without replacing God with them. However I think this will be a process and I need to heal my relationship with God and explore my newfound trust in Him before I am ready to make that step. I am also hopeful that God will help me learn to trust myself through trusting Him. He already is. Instead of looking to others to validate my decisions I am just trusting that voice inside of me…His Spirit. I am learning to trust that He does speak to me and I do hear Him. It’s a moment by moment process and it hasn’t been perfect the last few days, but I am also realizing God doesn’t expect perfection and He never will.
I realized yesterday as I struggled with timing yet again, that God will forgive me for that. I went to Him filled with guilt that I had let Him down. I felt I had failed Him because my timing hadn’t worked out. But before I could begin my typical routine of defeat and continual apology He said “I forgive you. I am here for you and I love you. I know this is a struggle and it is a process. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Look at all the victories we have had together as you trusted in Me. Now, let’s put this behind us and continue on with victory.” It was amazing. No lectures, no being beaten down in the way I had failed, no consequences to endure for not being perfect, just acceptance and support. So I left the “conversation” feeling empowered instead of guilty and discourage and I got right back on track.
I know it seems I am making this too simple. I simply asked God what to eat and ate it no matter how scary and trusted in Him and everything was tons better. I know it sounds crazy..but yes. That’s just what I did. I was about to say I can’t explain why but I can…it’s all over in the Bible: His love. He desires freedom for me (as I am learning from doing an amazing study by Beth Moore called Breaking Free) and is waiting for me to turn to Him. There is still a part of me waiting for it to go wrong and a lot of me that questions why this is so easy and what I am doing wrong. I love how when things are easy ED says I am doing something wrong because recovery can’t be that easy. But my God…He loves me…He desires peace for me…and He is freeing me. I have given over control and with that I have given over the head-spinning constant questioning of my decisions. I just check my decisions with God and know He will lead me in the way everlasting. Sure I have still had fear, but God has given me the strength to push through. So yes…it is that “simple” in that all I do is ask God. But it isn’t necessarily easy and I have been constantly journaling, praying, and working through the times I question it all.