I know this is all out of fear. I am scared to finally release this ED and I am scared of the weight gain. This fear is intensified because I actually have set myself up to succeed this time and with my newfound faith an trust in God...I think it is actually possible. And that scares me...it scares me that this could be the last time I recover. Mix with this fear a lot of excitement for what my new life could bring and overwhelming anticipation for what this new nutritionist will say and challenge me to...and I am a huge ball of emotion.
So let's tackle the biggest emotion I am having: fear. What am I afraid of? Well the obvious first thing is weight gain which is why I am obsessed with getting back to my low weight. I want to hold off gaining till I have more to gain. I always get this way before treatment and its no surprise really. I am just so scared how fast weight gain will happen and that I will finally be doing it after avoiding it for two years. But that's not my only fear.
|Is it weird I wish I could do this without gaining?|
I am also scared/excited about the fear foods I may be facing. May I finally face cake? Brownies? Finally be able to accept all foods and look at them as exchanges not calories? This makes ED scared, but me..it makes me excited. I guess I have had a burst in appetite since I have been eating more...but my food have gotten more and more safe and structured...and it's really started to annoy me. But I just don't think I can break free on my own. I just feel I need someone to tell me that's okay and set up facing fears in a structured form....enter nutritionist.
So I guess that what it comes down to. All of these emotions (fear, excitement, anticipation) are coming because this is going to be a new experience. Finally I will be giving control of my food decisions over to someone else...to my nutritionist. I have been practicing this with God with my current plan and it's been awesome. Now, with a new plan...I don't know what it will bring. I guess this is the moment I have been waiting to come for the past 14 years of my life. The time I release this control and just eat. I want it to go "perfect" and to bring the recovery and freedom with food I want so bad yet am so scared to have. I guess I just have to wait till Tuesday....and let me tell you...Tuesday couldn't come soon enough and yet is coming way too fast. Until then...I just need to turn this over to God and leave it there. Trust me...easier said than done. Wish me luck!