Sunday, May 12, 2013

As the "End" Approaches...

I've noticed that as Tuesday and the impending nutritionist appointment and new meal plan and commitment to recovery approaches the more scared and disordered my mind is racing to become. I have become desperate to lose 2 lbs to get back to my "low" weight (I know...seriously..2's really that big of a deal?). I have become desperate to plan out the right recovery: make lists, do research, prepare for challenges, etc. I know it is all out of fear and really I just need to turn it all over to God..and I do...for a moment, then get scared and desperately try and take back control.

I know this is all out of fear. I am scared to finally release this ED and I am scared of the weight gain. This fear is intensified because I actually have set myself up to succeed this time and with my newfound faith an trust in God...I think it is actually possible. And that scares scares me that this could be the last time I recover. Mix with this fear a lot of excitement for what my new life could bring and overwhelming anticipation for what this new nutritionist will say and challenge me to...and I am a huge ball of emotion.

It doesn't help that I have nothing to put all this emotional energy towards thanks to it being summer and my jobs not starting yet. So I just have to sit here and feel them and feel them...and that's hard. That's exactly why I am trying to do so many things to prepare and why I am overthinking everything I guess. Trying to plan for all the "What-ifs". I just have so much emotion and to me I have always escaped emotions by restricting, exercising, or just doing things for work/school. Well I don't want to restrict, have already used all my exercise for the week, and there is literally nothing to do for work or school right I am stuck...and thus tried to find things to obsession with preparing to recover.

So let's tackle the biggest emotion I am having: fear. What am I afraid of? Well the obvious first thing is weight gain which is why I am obsessed with getting back to my low weight. I want to hold off gaining till I have more to gain. I always get this way before treatment and its no surprise really. I am just so scared how fast weight gain will happen and that I will finally be doing it after avoiding it for two years. But that's not my only fear.

Is it weird I wish I could do this without gaining?
I am also scared/excited for the new meal plan...and this is where I have to lose my pride and accept the guilt this brings to say. You see...I am not scared it will be a lot of food...I am actually excited about that prospect. I have started to see my meals as so small recently and am excited to finally have a nutritionist in charge of my meal plan again. So what's the fear? That's the weird part. I am scared my meal plan will be too small...and that I will gain back all my weight before getting to a big meal plan and thus will have to eat little forever. I almost want to lose more weight so it takes longer to gain so maybe I can have hypermetabolism. I know it's weird...but I guess after having to eat so little for so would be nice to feel I can actually eat more and not gain weight. This leads me to trying to figure out how I could get my nutritionist to agree to let me maintain for a bit.  So that whole mess is a concoction of so many emotions.

I am also scared/excited about the fear foods I may be facing. May I finally face cake? Brownies? Finally be able to accept all foods and look at them as exchanges not calories? This makes ED scared, but makes me excited. I guess I have had a burst in appetite since I have been eating more...but my food have gotten more and more safe and structured...and it's really started to annoy me. But I just don't think I can break free on my own. I just feel I need someone to tell me that's okay and set up facing fears in a structured form....enter nutritionist.

So I guess that what it comes down to. All of these emotions (fear, excitement, anticipation) are coming because this is going to be a new experience. Finally I will be giving control of my food decisions over to someone my nutritionist. I have been practicing this with God with my current plan and it's been awesome. Now, with a new plan...I don't know what it will bring. I guess this is the moment I have been waiting to come for the past 14 years of my life. The time I release this control and just eat. I want it to go "perfect" and to bring the recovery and freedom with food I want so bad yet am so scared to have. I guess I just have to wait till Tuesday....and let me tell you...Tuesday couldn't come soon enough and yet is coming way too fast. Until then...I just need to turn this over to God and leave it there. Trust me...easier said than done. Wish me luck!

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