You see I cried out to Him for answers….for why this is happening and why I should keep eating. He gave me the answer I needed: my future. No, no the generic to live or to have a happy life. Nope…specifically MY FUTURE. If I am going to help ppl with an ED obviously having a background full of all the different EDs and struggles with them, having been to all the different levels of treatment, and having a past full of different traumas will help me relate to them. I have always clung to that. But my recovery has to be relatable as well. What does this have to do with weight gain? Everything.
You see, God could easily make me gain weight always at the perfect .5-1 lb range that I desire. HE IS GOD! He made my body and this would be an easy thing for Him to do. But how relatable would that be for the majority of patients who will have to experience and endure a dramatic weight fluctuation at some point in their recovery? It wouldn’t be. It would be just like the people who keep telling me this is a fluctuation, but have never been through it so I throw it out the door. But then my friend who has been through the process told me of a specific time this happened to her and that it ended up being water weight mostly…and that brought me relief. It was concrete example I could cling on to for hope. Well…God wants me to be that example for others.
Now it wouldn’t be a very good example to be like: “Oh yes. I went through that rapid weight gain as well and I decided to relapse and not do my meal plan. “ Nope…that wouldn’t help. But to be able to say: “I’ve been where you are, I know the real and tangible fear, I know that you don’t and can’t believe that it is not real weight because the numbers tell you it is. I have been there. I have experienced it, but I am telling you…I pushed through. It took all the strength and courage I had but I pushed through and x, y, z happened.”
I still don’t know what x,y,z is. That’s up to God. But it gives me so much hope knowing that. Why? Because I know God wants my story to bring hope. So why in the world would He make my story this: “Yes, I pushed through and the weight kept piling on and I learned I couldn’t eat and couldn’t trust my team so eventually I went back to restricting and that is still what I do today.” Not seeing much hope there. But this story: “I pushed through. It was scary, but I did it. And guess what? Everyone was right. It was water weight, but I had to wait and keep eating. I had to trust. This is your moment to trust too. You can do it. If I can do it, you can too. Trust in God, your team, and my experience. I know you can.” Yep…a lot more hope there.
So now I see God is in control of the scale. That doesn’t mean it is going to move how I want it to move. It doesn’t mean only the non-scary changes are going to happen. Why? Because that isn’t recovery and isn’t useful for His Will for my life. What it does mean if every single fluctuation He knows before it happens and He knows I am going to get through and He has a purpose for it. I am taking the scale and my interpretations of it back from the enemy and giving it to God where it belongs. He is my Master, my Father…and He knows the future He has designed me for. This fear, this emotional turmoil, this panic…and in the end the triumph I will feel…it’s all part of the journey to my future.
Get Out of God's Business
Seriously thought God is showing me so much. All this time I had thought what God was saying with the scale going up and up was that I couldn’t trust food. That was the only thing that made sense to me. But what He has been trying to say is trust Me. Run to me, my Child. I have this…just trust me.
But no…what I would do/do when it goes up is I question it. I analyze it over and over looking for the answer to Why it happened. What food/action/exercise/nutrient was to blame. Over and over I go through what I consumed and did the day before to find something to blame. Here is the reality though. My weight did exactly what it was supposed to do. The reason I don’t understand it? Because I AM NOT GOD! Only God knows what my body will do and why it will do it. Only He knows what the next day, minute, second will bring. I need to stop analyzing the scale reading and just accept it as a part of my journey.
Another thing…this applies the reverse too. I need to stop questioning what I am eating in the moment for fear of what will happen at the weigh-in tomorrow. Only God knows what tomorrow will bring and with good reason. Only He needs to. If we knew what the next second, minute, day would bring we would be so consumed with worry and focus on tomorrow we wouldn’t ever truly live. Yet every day with weight/food/other concerns I worry about what tomorrow will bring. But honestly…when I venture to worrying about tomorrow I am trying to take God’s place. I am messing in His business. No wonder it overwhelms and scares me. I am not God and am not near strong enough to deal with His business. It reminds me of the Bruce Almighty movie…that scene where He is God and is hearing everyone’s prayers and it overwhelms Him as sticky notes flood His house. I am essentially doing the same thing.
Trying to control and deal with tomorrow when really tomorrow is only God’s business. If He desires me to know something about tomorrow He will tell me. But for now..I just need to be in the moment. Listen to that still small voice inside. Listen to my cravings and desires that line up with His Word. If I follow that the next moment, next hour, next day will be exactly as it should be.
It’s going to take practice and I am going to have to rely on God…but I need to learn to be in the moment and leave the future to God. This is going to be hard and be moment by moment…but hey…that just means more time talking to God…and that’s never ended badly. Thank you Father for always being there and for this insight. May these words bring glory to You.