Friday, May 17, 2013

Panic of Increase to Peace of Insight

So I had a N session today. Yes, I did have two this week. I was so excited about this...then it hit me today that twice a week means twice the chance for N to increase my plan. And I opened my big mouth that I hadn't gained yet, so I got a seeming HUGE increase today. Add to this the fact that I decided I am FED UP with living by all these food rules I have made. I am tired of having to know what's for dinner to figure out what's for lunch. Trying to figure out my snacks based off my meals. I just want to eat what I WANT....not fight my mind every single second.

So today I have done two of the four increases (my N said I could add over two days) and have eaten what I WANTED. That includes doing Chicken at lunch despite higher calorie soup for dinner and having Skittles for snack. It feels good, but I am so scared.

You see I am maintaining now, so I figure adding 4 exchanges means I will start gaining and I am not sure if I am ready for that. I know I need to gain, I just still am so scared to gain. And so why I did my scary lunch I journaled about this and came to some amazing realizations.

You see I am not just scared of weight gain, I am scared of recovery as whole. I am scared because I am trusting God and doing a meal plan with full portions and doing this increase and instead of doing what I would typically do and trying to negotiate down meal plan since giving in and eating what I want no matter the calories I am doing both. This scares me because I know it is a plan for success.

I am scared to be successful at recovery. I am scared to do this recovery the right way. Why? It is a path I haven't chosen before and so I don't know where it leads. I know I already did a post on this but now I realize I am scared of even more. I am scared that it will somehow be worse than my life has been. I have had an ED my whole life I don't know anything different.

Plus without ED and without fear....there is just me. And what if I don't like me? I can't hide then. I can't fill my mind with food and anxiety and weight. There is just me, just my life. No escape. And I'm scared I won't like that. And then I would have fought for no reason. Thanks to journaling, I realized this is just another tactic of ED.

You see I have been following plan the past few days and attacking ED completely and relying on God. Basically living out true recovery and I have been happier than ever. I have been enjoying and experiencing life. Living more in the moment because not so consumed with food. And when it comes to myself...sure I see my body as getting bigger even though it's not, but I am liking who I am a little more and how I treat people. I have been able to work with horses and get enjoyment from that. People have been saying how they enjoy my company and how much happier I seem. I don't know, it's like the more I enjoy life the better I feel about myself. Like the more I let go of ED the more I like myself. It's like ED is the biggest blemish in me and as that goes I am the pure, perfect soul God created. And I am definitely liking life more the more I let go of ED.

So if I am just beginning in recovery and am liking myself and life more (probably because replacing ED with God and God is showing me the light in myself, others, and life) then how in the world can continuing on this path lead to a bad destination? How will I end up hating myself more (if that is even possible)? Answer: it's not. It's just a lie from ED to get me to stall my recovery.

I am definitely still scared and definitely still don't want to gain weight, but I also realized this increase won't necessarily make me gain. I haven't gained weight outpatient I honestly don't know how much it would take. So instead of assuming I am going to gain weight and living in that dread, I am going to try and focus on what I know will happen if I do increases and go with eating what I want not the rules. I will feel more freedom, I will grow in God, I will continue on the path of ever-increasing joy, I will open up my mind to be able to find more light in the world and in myself. Those are guarantees.  So for tonight I am going to cling to what is known...that doing these things, trusting the Spirit in me and trusting my N, will lead to more freedom and with freedom I am finding joy and peace. I will leave the unknown to God to handle when it becomes known to me. No need to fret about a wt gain that hasn't happened. Might as well enjoy the peace and joy while it is here. Well, off to enjoy my Skittles. God made rainbows...surely He wants me to taste them :)

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