Saturday, January 4, 2014

30 days symptom free!!

Dear Jess—
Congrats! You made it to 30 days. Honestly it feels like shit because I don’t want to weigh this much, feel so fat, and am waiting for my metabolism to speed up so I can be back in the 80s. I even planned an easy dinner so I could maybe lose, but then instead ate what I wanted. Still really safe I thought because planned 1 cup green peas..that was sure to be under cals. Weighed it on food scale…then typed into cal calculator. FUCK! 120 cals. That’s exactly what supposed to be. And my potatoes are 80 cals which is higher than minimum.

My brain screamed. ED yelled at me. I had already challenged myself with sweet potatoes. My timing was good. And I was freaking eating meal plan. What?! Well I tried something different today. Instead of hopping down that rabbit trail I got on my knees and I prayed the serenity prayer. I prayed that God help me know he is in control of my body, of weight, of calories. I was given instruction through exchanges…that is how I should think. That He allow me to enjoy the meal and bless it to the nourishment of my body. Let me just say…it didn’t provide answers or logic. I didn’t feel any better or feel I wasn’t going to balloon. But I felt peace. And I decided only one way to prove ED wrong…to do the next right thing and eat the dinner and snacks I planned.

It may have taken me 30 days to do it. But’s better late than never. I still don't feel proud, but hey I don't feel as miserable as I did 31 days ago. So I got my red chip and felt a little proud...but I still want to weigh less...ED is still there...I even dreamed of drinking...but I wanted my red chip and I got it. I have no motivation to stick to plan tomorrow if weight still not down...but I will deal with tomorrow tomorrow. For now...focus on today. 

Yours truly (because I can't say love yet)

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