Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Thanks my understanding and motivation

Jan 15, 2014

Well my dad gifted me today on his birthday with wisdom and understanding after my nutritionist session. After realizing yesterday there is so much I still have to fight for. Having an interview with UT that made me remember I still have a life and future. And remembering I won’t have my N after May. I realized this weight gain has to happen. And I’m never gonna feel ready. I’m never gonna want to do it. It’s just…it’s got to happen. doesn’t have to. I can stay in misery, fear, ED and choose to maintain in the 80s the rest of my life. It’s an option. But I won’t have a nutritionist. I won’t have guidance. I won’t have a meal plan. And I won’t have any freedom whatsoever. I will be stuck eating miniscule amounts of food, being terrified of fruits/veggies, weighing every morsel of food. I won’t be able to go to grad school, won’t get any job in the ED field, and basically will just live the rest of my life at home in an eating disorder. That isn’t a life I want.

OR I can choose to just let this weight gain happen. It’s going to eventually whether I want it to or not. It has to happen. For me to be healthy, to be normal…well I can’t be in the 80s with a BMi in the 13s. I just can’t. It just doesn’t work that way.

And I want to eat normally and freely. That can’t happen if I am trying to maintain a weight someone of my 5’7.5” stature shouldn’t be at. I will just be restricting and slowly destroying my body. So…I have to gain weight. It sucks…but guess what. I got me here. Well…ED got me here. So I need to leave ED in the dust and get myself out of the predicament I am in. That means coping with weight gain..not running from it.

I kind of see now maintaining a low weight is stupid. I mean...what grad school will give me an assistantship? If I get my MSW what ED clinic would ever hire me? I am basically giving up my dream if I stay at this weight. I say it brings me comfort...but it doesn't. It brings me panic and daily weighing and restriction. It sucks. Gaining weight sucks too.. but at least then I get to work with you and have a chance at a normal relationship with food and of a future. 

How am I going to do this? I don’t know. But now I have an ultimatum from my N and if I don’t gain…we can’t see each other. I can’t lose her. Left to my own devices at this point..there is no way I will ever be able to eat normally. No way I will be able to know what to eat. And honestly…I don’t know if I will survive till the end of the semester if left to myself and left to maintain in the 80s.

So I am going to try and keep my focus of recovery on the things I am accomplishing that I want to accomplish. Freedom foods, eating out, desserts, eating with people. Let that be what I look at every week. Let weight be something I report to my N, but not my focus. I don’t know if it will work, but what I am doing now ain’t working. Plus…this whole relapse thing is getting kind of stupid, boring, and repetitive. I am getting nowhere.

You know why I hate running on tredmills? Because you don’t get anywhere. Same thing with tracks. You just end back up where you started. Well..right now that is my method of recovery. Recover, be scared, gain weight, lose weight gained and then some, start again. So maybe it’s time I get off the track and hit the trail. Time I start taking this recovery somewhere..instead of ending up right where I started. 

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