So it’s been a rough two days. I was flying high in recovery and then yesterday it all came crashing down. Why? Same culprit as always....and a culprit I am ready to let go of: the scale. I hope you will learn from me and start letting go of the scale too.
I woke up feeling thinner….but then I stepped on the scale and it was the complete opposite and I freaked. As much as I didn’t want to, I let the scale dictate my day.I was scared all day. In a bad mood all day. Cried for hours. Questioned every last morsel that went into my mouth. ED even creeped in and I used the food scale more than I should have. When my N e-mailed me to send me a surprise challenge of dessert that night I tried to combat her. I came up with so many excuses why I couldn’t or why it didn’t look good instead of just accepting the challenge like I wanted to do. In the end, I did it. And that's a step in the right direction....but I shouldn't let the scale dictate how I respond to my N...to a person trying to help set me free.
I was miserable all day because of numbers on a scale. I even told myself it was most likely my last day in recovery and if I was even .1 lbs more today I would lapse. Well guess what…all that panic, all that fear…it was for nothing. I am right back down to the weight I started at this morning. The loss of control ED told me I had because weight was up..it was but an illusion. It was just what it was...water, poop, food...my body being a body. The scale wasn't a measure of control, but an illusion of some way I could measure if recovery was okay. And even when scale is down...recovery doesn't feel okay.
I woke up feeling miserable and scared and bloated this morning, but because weight was down it was a I felt free to eat what I wanted. Confident in my meal plan. At least for a moment. I smiled and laughed today because I was able to live in the moments not in a number in my head. But even in this joy I realized ED was still in control. By stepping on a scale and letting the numbers dictate my day…ED is still in control. Even if it makes my day a good one...my trust, my joy, my moments shouldn't be dictated by an abritrary number that is just a measure of poop, fluid, and food. It's not my fault that I can't just step on a scale and let it be numbers...my brain just doesn't work that way right now. It's not healed yet. And so...I think I need to step away from the scale and go to weekly weighing. I need to do it for my purpose.
I want to be able to love life and enjoy my moments. I can’t do that with a number haunting me all day. A number that doesn’t even matter. I need to put my hope of recovery in God and my future and my purpose, not in my weight. Reality is my weight has to increase….and if I can’t accept that I need to only weigh with someone who can help me cope with it..my N.
I also realized there is so much deception in the scale. If weight is up more than I am comfortable it haunts me all day. ED uses it to tell me I can’t eat this or that. That I need to be more active. That I need to watch what I eat. That I need to relapse. That I can’t trust plan. The whole day this happens. He steals the joy of every moment. Sure I was still obedient yesterday despite his screaming, but I wonder what little miracles in the day I missed because I was blinded by the fog of the scale.
Now let’s look at days like today when the scale is down. The joy from that moment…it lasts only for a brief time. But I start to still question food and what I should eat and if I can eat the freedom foods I am craving. It’s the same chaos that is there when weight is up…it’s just easier to push through. I just find it funny. If weight up torment haunts me all day…if weight is down the freedom only lasts a few minutes. So…why do I want to weigh again?
I have always told people I need to weigh every day because it helps me…but I am realizing this is just a lie ED tells me. It’s clear to me weighing daily does not help. Weighing weekly with N will be good because it will be for the purpose of tracking progress and she will be there to silence ED…but on my own…there is just no positive. Sure…I get a brief break when weight doesn’t go up too much…but as I said…the fear is still there.
So why not feel the fear without the torment. I mean ED is obviously going to question everything I eat whether scale is up or down. And if it’s down he won’t let me feel freedom. Like when I weighed this morning I was in such shock and ED started making excuses for why weight was down I didn’t realize all the lies ED told me that it broke. I ate dessert yesterday, I ate higher calorie options, I ate more nuts than normal, I didn’t spill cereal I always do…and I didn’t gain. But ED doesn’t let me see that when I weigh.
I want to weigh to feel like it’s safe to eat…but I need to start to know it’s safe to eat because others say it is. Because I know in my heart it is okay for me to nourish myself. I need to put my hope and trust in something other than a scale or ED will still have control over me. I want to be free to enjoy all the moments and miracles of the day and the scale just doesn’t allow that.
As my dad said in one of his last e-mails to me…you can’t negotiate with hostage takers (the hostage taker being ED). He was right. And every time I step on the scale..I am trying to negotiate with ED. Telling ED…okay don’t worry… I will disobey you, but if you are right and my weight jumps up I will come running back to you. And there is just no negotiating. My weight and food need to be non-negotiable things that belong to my N…not something I let ED use to dictate my day. So it’s time to stop negotiations and break free.
I need to take this step of faith…not the step I have taken every morning for so many years…not the step onto the scale…but the step of it. I need to take this step towards my purpose, my freedom, and truly trusting food.
I am proud of myself for realizing this and praise God for the opportunity. I also praise Him, my friends, my stepmom, and the love I have felt from this blog for allowing me to stay in recovery. 4 days in...and its starting to feel okay...still have work I need to do...but it's getting easier.
Would love to hear from you all through e-mail, comments, or the form on the side :)