You want to know ED's favorite day...tomorrow. I wrote that amazing post yesterday...was feeling motivated...woke up these morning feeling bloated and defeated. Honestly, it was because I had a nightmare last night and was scared to weigh-in. I just knew I would be dissapointed. I also felt guilty because last night I told God I would get in recovery today if my wt was x....same old behavior I always do. I stepped on the scale and the impossible happened. Despite all the freedom I allowed last night my weight was x. I was astonished and immediately didn't want to recover. ED provided plenty of reasons and excuses as to why I could wait till tomorrow. But I stopped. I stopped and remember what I wrote. Then I read an amazing text from my stepmom.
I stopped..I claimed the moment. I decided enough was enough. There were no more tomorrows. There was just now. And I had to get back in recovery. I needed to live my purpose. I needed to live period. I decided to take today and claim each moment. To claim and live my glorious purposely.
I also did a purge...of everything ED. I threw away all my ED foods. The small bagels I stashed up because I knew they were under the normal size. The diet foods I eat only because ED makes me. The foods ED tells me I can never eat because of x,y,z. But that I don't really want either. I just have them so ED can remind me I can't have them. It felt good…I just cleared it all out. Got rid of all the shadows of ED. And then I claimed my moments. I am going to post my moments today as they happen. It's like a live feed :)
- ED has made me keep my prunes at 20g when N wants at 23-24g…I did 23.
- ED wanted me to make sure I overcooked oatmeal so it spilled over the side. I made sure I didn’t.
- ED wanted me to tear my English muffin since it seemed to large. Sadly, I did weigh it and saw it was a few grams larger..but I re-claimed my moment and didn’t tear it or leave any behind. Recovery isn’t perfect, but that’s what makes it beautiful.
- I didn’t weigh the following which I usually do: pear, tuna, fiber one cereal
- ED said I could not weigh my pear, as long as made sure I didn’t cut it close to the core. I cut it as close to the core as I could get it.
- ED said I needed to restrict my portions and make sure divets in the measuring cup for cereal and tuna. I made sure it was right to the brim.
- ED said since I was weighing the sweet potato I needed to make sure to restrict the portion. I made sure I weighed it only to ensure I got minimum I needed.
- ED said I couldn’t eat tomatoes I wanted. I got tomatoes.
- ED said I needed to weigh the tomatoes and I did. I weighed the tomatoes to ensure I got the right amount to be a whole cup.
- ED said to spill some of my sunflower seeds like I always do. I made sure every kernel got into my mouth.
Dinner Started to get harder here. Trying not to think about snacks later…
- ED said I needed to weigh peas or skimp them. I measured them and get a full cup..no weight needed.
- ED said only get 3 oz cod. The fish was 3.2 oz and I accepted that and ate it all.
- Ed said I shouldn’t add snack to dinner and should just force myself to eat late. I knew this was a trick so later ED would tell me not to eat snack…so I added snack to dinner.
- ED said since this was snack I just added back I needed to do lower cal yogurt. I chose higher calorie yogurt I wanted.
- For the same reason ED said I needed to weigh my fruit to make sure it was small enough. I didn’t weigh the apple and cut it close to the core.
During my relapse ED had me stock up on small bagels. I always planned to use these when I got back in recovery because they would mean less calories. At that point, recovery was still a joke and I hadn’t realized my purpose. God’s purpose. That I mattered. My store mattered. So…crying and shaking I rid myself of all the small bagels and got bigger ones. I still feel disgusted and horrible for this. I desperately want the safety of a smaller bagel, but that is not my purpose. I so much more want to be able to grab a bagel with a friend. To be free…to be normal. I want to be able to tell you all bagels are awesome no matter the size. That it doesn’t matter. So in the moment…I chose my purpose and what I wanted. I did the bigger bagel and the higher-cal spread I wanted. Because size and cals…they can’t rule me anymore.
This was last snack of night and ED was screaming about how disgusting I am and how fat I would be. Despite this I ate the snack I wanted without thinking calories.
So it's been an exhausting day....and it's time to call it a night. I feel drained, exhausted and ED is screaming. But I know this is what I needed to do...and eventually it won't be this hard. Thanks for being a motivation and inspiration. I hope and pray tomorrow treats me okay.