Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Getting Choosy

So I have learned a lot about choices today. The choices I have in recovery that ED tells me I don’t. Where to start…the morning seems best.

Well today was a snow day which meant all classes cancelled. Most people on campus excited about this and part of me was t. But the ED part of me was not. In ED’s world all this meant was I would be walking less and would miss spin class. So ED crafted a nifty illusion. He told me I had to do an hour workout because I didn’t have spin. Otherwise it just wouldn’t be right of me. And I knew I had a choice. I knew I could choose to just take the day off…but instead I chose to negotiate with my hostage taker. Bad choice.

I decided I would base my decision off of the scale. I now see that wasn’t making a choice at all. It was letting a number rule me again. ED told me I had to weigh today anyway because I was supposed to originally when I had a N session today (that was cancelled because of the snow too). The truth: I could have chosen not to weigh. To decide to take a rest day because I needed to. But that is not the choice I made and because weight slightly up I decided to exercise.

I won’t get into details, but ED took hold fast at that point. He knew he had me. He took control of my exercise decisions and my morning. Over and over making me feel I didn’t have a choice.

With me cornered he decided to take over my meal planning for the day too. I hadn’t planned out today the night before like I usually do because I thought I would have an N session. ED had the reigns and now he was Master Chef. He was choosing what I was “allowed” today because of my weight. He told me I didn’t have a choice unless I wanted to be fat. He chose the lowest calorie options for everything. But then I started getting craving. Cravings not in his safe list and he wasn’t happy. Especially not when I had disobeyed him at breakfast and weighed but not torn my English muffin and also gotten the right amount of prunes.

I started to panic. ED told me I couldn’t eat what I was craving…just think of the calories. I couldn’t do it. But thinking of eating what ED planned made me feel miserable. Surprise, surprise…ED makes me feel miserable. Same old story. So I went to dining hall planning on getting what ED wanted. I literally felt chained down. Each step to the dining hall I felt I was marching to my prison.

I did the only thing I could think. I texted my support. But no one responded. I was at that place I talked about a few posts ago. Alone. Just me, myself, and my moments. So I decided to journal. And I realized ED was lying to me. ED was telling me I had no choice because of the calories. ED was telling me I had to obey him because I had earlier that day. But these were all lies.

It was true…I couldn’t choose that calories are permanently etched in my brain. That when I look at food I see numbers. That is just my reality. That is what years of training with ED has done. I couldn’t erase the fact I knew my weight. These numbers were there. But I had a choice of what to do with them. I could choose to submit myself to these numbers or to submit the numbers to God by eating what I wanted. I could choose to know the numbers, but not let them and ED decide what I eat. Was it the easy choice? No! But it was my choice.

At first I thought: “Okay. I will just do some of the things I want, but “balance them out” with what ED wanted.” Then I remembered this morning. Where negotiating with ED had gotten me. I realized I could choose freedom. Choose my purpose. Or I could choose ED. And giving ED any pleasure by letting him choose even a single part of the meals and snacks I had left…that wasn’t choosing my purpose. So I chose my purpose. I chose to eat what I wanted. To know the calories and do it anyway. 

I am scared….that is so true. But I am also excited and happy. I am happy because I am doing what I wanted. That little girl inside is smiling because I am telling her its okay to eat. That the numbers she was made slave to don’t have to control her anymore. That what she wants matters. And I’m excited because by disobeying ED I have the opportunity to see he is wrong.

This is the reality of what ED looks like. You really want
that making your decisions?
So when ED says you don’t have a choice stop in your tracks. Stop and realize your choices. Because ED will only tell you you don’t have a choice when he gets scared. When he realizes how strong you are and that if you choose to go against him you will be free. When he realizes you are outsmarting him and seeing him for the scrawny, puny, liar he is. So stop, realize your choices, and choose the scarier one, the freeing one, the one ED is screaming not to take. That choice is where you will find freedom, peace, and Truth. That is the choice you deserve.

Oh..and in case you are curious…here were my choices.
  • For Lunch ED wanted my usual safe options for veggie and starches. I chose to do broccoli, sweet potato, and black beans!
  • For dinner ED wanted oatmeal for 2 starches which actually is against my plan. I went with grits like I wanted.

Comment below or e-mail me or use the comment form to let me know whether you all want me to post pics of my freedom foods/meals. Also, whether you want me to post my freedom foods list and update it as I face things. Love you all!

1 comment:

  1. Would definitely love to see your freedom food photos & lists, Jess!