So I did all those fears yesterday. I ate the baked potato, fought through pain and bloating, did my meal plan, ate freedom foods galore and I was scared. Beyond scared. I can’t even tell you all the names ED was calling me last night. The angry, horrible things he was whispering in my ear as I tried to fall asleep. I cried out to the Lord. Literally, sobbing, crying…just asking for peace. And I fell asleep.
I woke up in sheer panic because I knew I had to take the march ED makes me take every morning. The march to the scale. This is one thing that will be going when I get back fully into recovery. But for now..I still took the march. As much as I didn’t want to believe the horrible things ED was telling me, as much as I woke up and for the first time in forever felt small and thin….I kept believing what ED was saying. That I had gained a ton overnight, that I was huge, that I was disgusting for eating last night. And I marched to the scale….ready for him to be right. I prayed to God before. I prayed that he let me cope with the huge gain I was about to be greeted with.
I stepped on the scale shaking with fear. I clenched my eyes tight while keeping them wide enough to see the numbers…the numbers that were…DOWN? What? Could it be! My mind exploded, heart exploded….excitement took me over. The pride I longed for last night. I had done the right thing and ED was wrong? Could it be!
I stepped on the scale over and over and the same lower number flashed on the screen. It was the most freeing amazing experience. Sure…ED kept yelling at me today…but I did something I haven’t done before…not even when the numbers go down. I told ED he was wrong. I said to him “You were wrong last night. You have been wrong before. I am choosing to trust whatever my N says. I am choosing to trust the guidelines she set. They were right last night and I want to see them be right again.”
So for today when ED yelled I couldn’t eat oatmeal as one starch because of the high calories that would make me gain I told him he said the same about the potato last night and was wrong. I told him I was going to listen to my N and count it right. I ate oatmeal as one starch.
When ED said I couldn’t eat dinner early because I was too full and shouldn’t eat it at all with how full and lazy I was I told him he said the same thing last night and again was wrong. I ate dinner early and even enjoyed it.
When ED said I should restrict my topping on bagel because I had gum, I told him he said the same thing yesterday with bagel topping and was wrong. I told him gum didn’t count because N says didn’t count and I ate right topping.
When ED said I couldn’t eat a Cutie instead of a pear because more calories I told him all fruits are equal and I told him he said the same thing as to why I couldn’t eat fiber tortilla day before vs corn tortilla and was wrong. I ate the Cutie and didn’t even tear it like ED wanted.
So here is to believing in something other than ED. Letting the facts be used against ED instead of to support him. I have trusted him my whole life. Trusted him for comfort, peace, and even sometimes weight loss that never came. I never was happy. I never felt thin. I was just miserable.
Last night I trusted God, my N, my friends….and they turned out right. And tonight..tonight I am trusting them again. It’s time to give Truth a chance.