What I want....but just can't get

I have relapsed again. Yesterday I dropped my fruit and dairy snack and I used laxatives. All to lose weight and be back in 80s which I was this morning. I restricted knowing I had done 40 minutes cycling and had rounds for duty. But all that mattered was my weight. Now I have another lb to lose till I feel I can be free.

I opened up to my N about my unwillingness to gain weight and she said we may not be able to work together anymore. In that instant I realized everything relapse is costing me. If I lose my N…I lose all hope of recovery. At least outpatient. I just stopped caring about gaining weight because I figured there was no reason to gain weight without my dad. I was gaining to a certain weight based on a pic and a time I was with my dad and happy. Without him..I can’t fight for that reality. But with this relapse. With the misery I feel even only being in day 2 of it. I realize there is so much more to my recovery, so much more I want than just a picture. Things I wanted separate from anything having to do with my dad. Things I wanted for myself. Things I won’t be able to do without my nutritionist. But things I want to do without gaining weight.

• I want to be able to eat freely.
• I want to experience the love for food my dad had.
• I want to cook a meal for the family and eat it.
• I want to go to fro-yo with a friend.
• I want to go through a Starbuck’s drive-through and trust what they make.
• I want to be free to drink diet soda without worrying about sodium.
• I want to eat dessert when I want it.
• I want to walk into the dining hall knowing I can eat anything in there I want.
• I want to be able to eat whatever fruit/veg I want.
• I want to eat without a food scale.
• I want to eat jimmy john’s again.
• I want to be able to eat in front of people.
• I want to weigh only weekly .
• I want to eat at normal times
• I want to not be ashamed of eating.
• I want to exercise for enjoyment not for calories.
• I want to enjoy a rest day from exercise.
• I want to be able to eat a meal and leave it…not carry the thoughts of it with me the whole day.
• I want to be able to go to an interview weekend and worry about the interview not about how to hide my disordered eating.
• I want to be able to go to a restaurant and eat.
• When I have to share my favorite food (ie Peanut Butter) I want to be able to share it knowing I’ve actually eaten it in the past year.
• I want to eat a sample in the grocery store if it looks good.
• I want to try a bite of food if someone offers without worrying about the calories.
• I want to enjoy and partake in communion not look at it as calories.
• I want to be able to trust my nutritionist. To eat just as she asks knowing she can be trusted.
• I want to eat and not deem the meal/day “healthy” or “unhealthy” based on it
• I want to eat without counting fiber in my head.

I WANT TO BE FREE! I want to be truly free. I am tired of the numbers, the worries, the panic. I want to just freaking eat. Like a normal person. Fork to mouth. Eating. Not counting. Just nourishing my body. That’s all I want. I just want to be free to eat. I want to eat as if I never had a disorder. But I am scared of getting huge doing that. I am scared that means being obese again. I am scared it means having no control. And so when I start to gain weight…I start to feel that lack of control and think it to be truth.

So how to I get what I want. How do I do that? I sought a dietitian to help me…but I am told I have to gain weight. That’s not on my list of wants. Can I not just have those and not gain weight. I mean my desire to be free is greater than my fear to gain weight…but I just…I don’t know..something stops me. I just want to figure it out. Daddy…you always knew. You knew how to re-motivate me. How to get me focused on the right things. I need to know what you say. I want to be strong on your birthday tomorrow. I want to fight for all the things I want. The things ED keeps me from. But how…how do I do this without you. How do I find motivation in myself. How do I gain weight? How do I recover…