Friday, June 13, 2014

Am I delusional? Is my dream delusional?

So that therapist..I guess she wasn’t done trying to ruin me and judge me. I got three voicemails from her today which long story short, she told me I was going to treatment no matter what. That she had convinced my mom to take medical guardianship of me and force me into long-term care. That I was delusional and not in recovery and that no one at my weight could be in recovery. Well…it was all a lie. Yes, she had told my mom to get medical guardianship and tried to manipulate her by telling her I was dying and my heart was gonna explode and how she was a miserable parent. Still, my mom stood by my side because she sees me and knows I am recovering. Slower than others might want, but finally truly recovering.

I am tired of this. I am tired of how typical eating disorder treatment treats patients. It is not right to judge patient’s potential based on their weight. Yes, their weight may flag them as a danger/hazard, but if all other medical conditions are okay and they aren’t in danger of death, they should be given a chance. If there family says they are in recovery their family should be utilized, not manipulated. People should be given a chance to recover outpatient, not deemed needing inpatient/residential just because of where there weight is.

It just pisses me off. I am in a better place mentally, motivationally, spiritually, and behaviorally than I was at a “normal” weight when I was first checked into inpatient/residential. At that weight people decided I could do it outpatient and so I was booted too early from inpatient treatment. This led to horrible relapse till I got underweight and even then was deemed able to do it outpatient when I desperately needed inpatient. It wasn’t till my body started shutting down inpatient/residential became an option.

Now here I am in a better place mentally, but yes I am at a lower weight physically. But why does the fact I have had my disorder longer and relapsed from a lower weight and thus got to a lower weight before recovering any reason to deem me unable to recover outpatient. Last time I checked, weight isn’t a measure of motivation/capabilities. If I was morbidally obese, people wouldn’t say I was too sick to recover from BED/bulimia/whatever ED outpatient. But being underweight, somehow my BMI is a marker of potential.

Yes, I understand the health risk doctors may see when they see my weight. But maybe the fact I have NONE of these health complications should be a sign I am recovering. I am just tired of having to prove time and time again I am recovering even at a low weight. I can’t recover outpatient if nobody gives me a chance. I don’t care if people flagged me as someone who may have more difficulty OP, but why don’t you give me a chance to prove you wrong? To remove your flag and show you how strong I am. That even underweight people can recover.

This pissed me off and angered me at myself at first. For getting this sick. And suddenly the spiral to guilt, shame, doubt that has led to either relapse or to me admitting myself to treatment just for other people then leaving and relapsing started. Thankfully I have an amazing family I opened up to and they helped me…then my anger became motivation. This is why I HAVE TO recover. Because I want to be in the ED field and be there for people like me who aren’t believed in and are judged for their weight. I want to work with those who are the “worst of the worst” because many times I think we are the most motivated. We have plummeted and hit are rock bottom and are ready to kick ass. We should be given a chance. EVERYONE should. Over, under, or normal weight. EVERYONE should be given a chance. IF there are medical issues, yes that takes priority. But if not….give people a chance. Sure, express your concerns, but give them a chance to prove you wrong?

Am I delusional? Is it crazy this is my dream? To change the way things have been for years? To use weight as a hesitancy, but not a criteria for if someone should be given a chance….or would people benefit from someone like me ready to work with the “worst of the worst”? Please comment/message. 

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