Something about my bible study last night rang true for me today…well it did last night too, but even moreso today. So I did that big challenge and (as always) this morning despite bloat and my better knowledge…decided to weigh. BAD IDEA. Honestly don’t know why I make myself such a slave to something I don’t want to do, but that’s another post for another day.
Anyway…basically that event freaked me out and had me in a tailspin which my lovely friends saved me from (luckily the longer I am in recovery the easier I am to pull out of these tail spins and not change my intake). So I moved on with my day and had it nice and neatly planned. I would keep with the challenge for tonight of fro yo and would NOT do extra spin class tonight. I would fight through the temptation to let a wt flux rule my life. And that was all going good…till lunch.
I was ravenous and drew from starch box and got Sandwich Thins. These used to be a fear food, but aren’t anymore, and not for good reason. The reason they aren’t is because I have been counting them as 2 starches on the rare occasion I draw them, when in fact I know in my heart they are one. This is something that randomly hit me and I felt convicted of yesterday even though I didn’t have them. I told myself if wt stayed the same and all I would definitely fix that next. Well…here I sat today and wt spiked and I was faced with either making the change anyway….or sticking with the ED behavior. Torn between being ruled by guilt over weight or by guilt over letting ED rule over me.
This is where bible study came in. Yesterday was about how Christ called us to abundant life, but all throughout Scripture we see that not only good can abound, so can bad. But here is the great news. As Christians we were given the Spirit and we can choose what we let abound. And in letting something abound and grow more and more, there will always be something on the other end getting less and less. Yesterday the two scripture that hit me were these.
1 Samuel 18:29 "Saul became even more afraid of him, and he remained David’s enemy for the rest of his life."
Phillipians 1: 14 "And most of the brothers, having become confident in the Lord by my imprisonment, are much more bold to speak the word without fear."
You see both fear and courage can abound, and its up to me to choose which. If I listen to ED and let the wt control me today and don’t fix this behavior I am letting fear abound. Basically telling the Holy Spirit I want to have my abundance in ED and let fear take me over. Doesn’t sound very appealing wrapped up that way does it? I mean ED wraps it up nicely. Do this…keep counting as two starches...otherwise tomorrow your wt be really up and you will want to relapse so bad you can’t stand it and you will….you need to do this to save your recovery. That’s what ED says. But reality is by counting it wrong I am skimping and just letting ED have more of a foothold.
Now my other option is to choose to trust. To believe this is flux from eating late. To try and trust and believe my body needs and deserves foods counted in right portions. To do what is right. And to tell the Spirit I choose to have my abundance in Christ and in hope. That I want courage to abound and by doing this not only will my courage increase more and more, but maybe, just maybe, my fear will get less and less. One can only hope.
So today I choose to let courage abound. For right now, right here….that is what I choose. And I choose to stay in the right here, right now. And tomorrow, I will have to choose again. Every meal, every second, every moment I will have to choose what I let abound. Goodness or badness. Spirit or ED. Courage or fear. Life of lies. Today…today I choose life. Oh...and with that...here is the pic of the food :)