Feel I deserve to be punished (update at bottom)

Well…today has been rough and horrible and I am so filled with ED thoughts right now I honestly just want to turn my mind off. It actually all started last night. I found out I was having to stay overnight again tonight because the dad I nanny for was called out on emergency trip. That was all well and good except for the fact I had already committee to a 4-10:30 pm nanny position with the people I nannied for 6 years. This family doesn’t need me this summer (which they waited till this summer to let me know and thus sent me into a panic over income), but wanted me this one night. Now I was facing a dilemma…one me, two locations.

I talked to the new family I nanny for now and at first the dad was okay with me being out at the other house late as long as his daughter was, but last night he changed his mind. He told me I needed to see if she could come along and as soon as I asked the other family that (mind that this girl I would be bringing along is the same age as the two girls at the other house), they flipped out on me. And then this morning they told me they were cancelling all their plans and would no longer need me. Not just now, but ever. That my selfish and inconsiderate actions had made me too unreliable for them.

Selfish, inconsiderate, unrealiable…three things I have prided myself on never being. I like to be the responsible, reliable person to everyone and here, in one moment, I ruined that all. I felt horrible and still do. It’s all my fault. Here they cancelled their plans and all because of me. I failed them. I mean I found alternatives. I could bring the girl along or I was going to leave her at my house with my parents until I was done at the other house, but no. Apparently those weren’t sufficient options and they cancelled their plans and it was all my fault. I consider this family my family and to be torn apart by them like this, I knew I had royally fucked up.

But I don’t know what I would have done different. I had no way of knowing this emergency would come up and I would be needed overnight and I am usually never needed overnight on weekends. At least not with a week or so notice. Here I got one nights notice. But I messed up. It’s all my fault. There is no one else to blame and I am all those things they said.

• Selfish: I took on more jobs because I wanted to see the girls I nannied for so long and needed the money
• Inconsiderate: I didn’t stop to think that maybe the other family would need me
• Unreliable: I had committed to them and now was not going to work. I mean I let them know as soon as I knew, but they didn’t find back up.

And I feel horrible. Now I will never be able to see these girls again and have lost this family as a reference. Granted I have only seen them once since last summer and it was when my dad died and they needed me to nanny. Between those times I rarely heard from them. And up until this summer all I had heard was they needed me. But a week before I was set to move home and after me emailing and contacting them for a month ahead, they told me I wasn’t needed.

Still, I considered them family. Despite them not contacting me. Despite them finding other nannies in my place for the summer (which I understand because someone had to watch the girls during the school year). Despite them never asking about me or how I was or checking up or even really mentioning my dad’s death…I still considered them family. I mean they have provided me a job for years and I practically raised the girls….and had gotten really close…and now, because of this, because I took this other nannying job which I had to for income sake..I’ve lost them completely. One day and I managed to ruin 6 years of a reltationship.

The father I do the overnight for though…he was so kind. I let him know they cancelled their plans and he just wanted to know how I was. When I told him what they had said he was so apologetic. I told him how sorry I was for everything and all he had to say was he wasn’t mad and that he wanted me to know I was family and I was stuck with them and nothing would change that. I have only worked with him for two weeks and so that feels nice.

Still, I am hurt and I can’t blame anyone else. This really is my fault. I am the one who took on this other job a week ago and the one who had the emergency overnight come up. I should have done something better. Trusted my intuition to not even ask if the girl could come over because I know the nature of the other family and how they are with strangers and company and such. But no, I went and ruined everything.  Part of my is freaking out because I lost 65 dollars of income but even worse idk…I feel horrible for letting the family down and tarnishing my image. For failing to be the perfect nanny I have been for 6 years.

I worked at my other job this morning and they gave me 2 extra hours and I had to do a delivery so I made 9 dollars in tips….so that’s like 23 dollars there plus the 50 from overnight will be 73 so I kind of made up the 65 dollars would have made (though not really because had hoped to do all three jobs). Yet, I’m still torn apart and this doesn’t console me.

I just feel horrible and it brings up ED’s best weapon…my feeling of failure and needing to be punished. Immediately I lost all appetite and wanted to go overexercise. I have stuck to my meal plan and haven’t overexercised yet, but I can’t say I will hold out. 

So I wrote this because I need to see what my fault is, what I could do differently in the future, and how I could fix this situation and everything. 

I am struggling because I made a way for it to work out. Several ways. Either the overnight girl...we will call her Emily, could come to their house. Or their kids could come to her house. Or she could go stay at my house. I asked them about Emily coming over or the girls going to her house and that's when they cancelled. So they cancelled because I couldn't do it...but I told them I could and made a way and packed all my meals and all my things so I could get there early after getting off my other job at 3 and needing to be there by 4 pm. So I am struggling, because they are saying its my fault they had to cancel, but I made a way to be able to do it and they cancelled. So I don't know what I could have done different. 

I don’t want to blame them because they didn’t do anything wrong….but my mom and stepdad said they shouldn’t have treated me the way they did and have always treated me bad (getting home later than usual, not letting me know they wouldn’t need me, not returning calls/emails about it). But still they get home later because they lose track of time and maybe they just forgot about my email or call because they were so busy…idk. And they have their own lives…why would they think about or want to check in on me. They had other nannies. I don’t know. I just need advice I guess, because right now I just feel like a shitty person who needs to be hurt/punished.  

I try so hard to be perfect and I am just pissed at myself, because I messed that all up. I've always been the go-to nanny and now i am the nanny who has to go. Probably will mess up grad school and my other jobs too. I just can't fix this. I made mistakes. I am a failure.

June 7 update

Thanks everyone who helped me. I came to realize no one is to blame really. I did all I could and never intended to hurt anyone. When I found conflict, I tried to make up for it. I should have let them find a replacement earlier, but really wanted it all to work out and they couldn’t find anyone I guess because they told me they still needed me. When that was still a conflict, I found all possible options and it all seemed to work out till the dad changed his mind. Even then, I found more solutions/options. So in the end the only person responsible for them cancelling was them. No one is to blame, things just happened and it sucks, but if event was important to them I bet they could have found a way.

Think it hurts more to realize I was nothing but a worker to them and they can so easily write me out of their life. But I am seeing they weren’t as concerned for me as I was for them. I am one who sent check-ups on the girls and yet never got responses or did months later. They never asked about me. They did when I was their sole nanny, but when I just became the summer help, I lost my importance I guess….and that hurts. A lot.

But if I think about it I am moving on and I guess we were distant, because not seeing them didn’t cross my mind when thinking about grad school. And I had already coped with idea of not working for them this summer because I found this other job. It’s just hard to let people go I guess. But life happened and they know I am here and want to help….if they don’t take me up on that…that’s them. I have said my sorries…it’s in their field now. 

I hope it's okay I didn't punish myself an am moving on. It's still hard though. I wanted our relationship to end on happy terms....and now I feel it can't. But maybe time and God will make a way. After 6 years I hoped we would end with hugs and smiles, but I have another family I help now and they have other nannies. Guess our relationship didn't matter in the end :( Because the only way they want to spend time with me is if they need me to nanny. I have offered before to take the girls out on my dime, and their only response was they don't need childcare. It hurts, still feel it's my fault, but there is nothing more I could have or can do. Now I see how last minute my current job is and won't take any more night commitments....that was my mistake. I just didn't expect to have to be overnight when was just overnight yesterday. I made a mistake, I found solutions, and there is nothing I can do, but forgive myself, ask for forgiveness, and move on.