As I wrote a few days ago, I kind of lost my vision for what I have been fighting for. Got so focused on my career goals I made that my only goal and dream.Well, ED recovery is hard and its scary so whatever motivation/dream you are fighting for it has to be big enough to overcome those fears. And my career goals are big enough for that in how much I want them, but my doubt in them becoming a reality and how far in future they are….it makes it not the best motivation for ED recovery, because ED says never gonna happen anyways. But that wasn’t even my motivation to start with when began this stint of recovery…it was for a life, normalcy, love. Living the life I deserve. And now that pieces of my future are falling into place, this is even moreso what I am fighting for. And today it really helped me push through some big challenges….so figure be best to write it out…so I can look back on it when I don’t want to fight. Gonna do separate post of that for tomorrow so can take time on it.
First off though here are my challenges for this week and re-cap from last
Last week I went to only 3 days a week of exercise and guys…I didn’t gain weight or balloon. In fact…I enjoyed exercise more and feel so much happier and more free. It was worth the fear and tears.
This week: increasing amount of prunes I eat in morning to more appropriate amount, thanks to my safe yogurt being discontinued doing the 80-cal dairy twice a day, AND not going to spill my b-fast as I have ALWAYS done (even in treatment would hide some and leave behind…not sure why b-fast is where I do this)
Last week: ended up facing all the ones my parents chose except for beans due to GI issues, but did grits instead. Also did additional ones as you all read here.
This week: mom chose fat free tortilla, veggie burger, peppers, and grapes so an easier week.
Just a glimpse into how this future stuff helped me today. I kind of got thrust into the behavior changes and really wanted to back out of them. Seemed too overwhelming but here is what I thought.
- Want to eat more prunes because don’t want to weigh them forever. In future want to be normal and just grab prunes out of container. Especially since living with people next year.
- 80-cal yogurts: easier to find and less expensive which will need money for grad school and don’t want to spend my time having to drive to only certain stores that have my food. Want my roomies to be able to grab me some yogurts when they are at store without having to worry if they grab the right ones
- Not spill b-fast: this just isn’t normal at all and don’t want to get weird looks from my roomie. Plus what if someone wants to go out for b-fast or have to eat it in class or at work. Spilling would make a mess and get weird looks.
So this is more specific than my post will be tomorrow because I can’t go through every tiny thing of recovery and how it fits into future, but just by keeping the “normal” and the life I want in mind…any time I have a new challenge or new food and I am scared to face it I can picture how it helps me in my future life I want. Like this weeks veggie burger and peppers and grapes…sounds like food at a cookout to me and cookouts will most likely happen in TN and I want to be able to eat at them. Or to host a cookout when I am married. It’s just “normal.” Or well my normal. The one I dream of. Which you all will get a glimpse of tomorrow.