This is kind of two posts in one because I wanted to reflect true recovery. The first is during a time when I was really inspired and positive. It is one meant more to inspire. And the second...where it says UPDATE...that is when I started to question myself, and how I returned my mind to peace and calm. So read what you want :)
So today I realized I have double standards. Serious ones. No not for other people. But for myself. I have double standards for myself vs ED. ED I easily trust and if one tiny microscopic shred of evidence comes up that his lies might be truth, I throw myself into believing them. I automatically trust ED all over again. On the other hand…when it comes to trusting myself, my body, even God….I require time and time again to get it right. To get an outcome different from what ED says. One time just doesn’t cut it. And I’m realizing that isn’t quite working out for me.
Yesterday I had a very scary official weigh-in and honestly was ready to throw in the towel. It was just one day of a high fluctuation and it made my world come crashing down. I didn’t expect it and couldn’t think of any reason other than less exercise that it happened. Forget the fact I had eaten really late and drank 2L of liquids for some new stomach meds right before bed. Nope..that couldn’t be it at all. I was ready because of one flux to throw everything in. Luckily I have amazing support who got me through the day and told me to wait till today, because today mark real week with less exercise. So I pushed through, ate full meal plan, and even made them a promise.
Now this promised didn’t come from a recovery place. Well….it slightly did. But mostly it came from a “but this is never gonna happen so it doesn’t matter and I am gonna be proven right and so is ED and I am going to have to decrease my meal plan” kind of place. I promised if my weight fluxed back down to a certain number today I would move away from daily weighing and not weigh Tues. But I knew that would never happen because I was so convinced I was gaining.
Well…guess what. It happened! And here is where I made my realization about my double standards. When I saw the weight I started making all kinds of excuses. Not as to why the weight went back down, because I couldn’t explain that. But as to why I couldn’t hold up my end of the bargain. It went like this.
- Well see I can’t not weigh tom because its Monday and so its not an official goal changing weigh in day (these are now Wed and Sat) so really I can’t add a new goal.
- You see I am eating a bagel again today whereas yesterday I did a bagel equivalent. So how will I know bagels are okay if I don’t weigh tomorrow?
- I am eating potatoes twice today. That’s a big fear. How will I show myself it’s okay if don’t weigh tomorrow? Same goes for scarier PB I am doing today.
- How will I know today isn’t the flux if I don’t weigh tomorrow?
- I will just wait till Wed and then will skip Thurs based off that weigh in.
And so on and so on. I started laughing at this insanity. It takes one flux, on mis-step and I am ready to condemn my body and agree to an ED change like lowering meal plan. Because of one little thing. But if I make a recovery based commitment, and things line up for it, I can make a list of excuses as to why I shouldn’t do it. Even though this list of excuses is so much more far-fetching and hard to believe than the excuses (more like reasons) why my wt could have shot up for one day. Yet I more easily cling onto these excuses and make my body prove itself trustworthy time and time again. With ED…I will believe his lies again after one small change. It’s like I am at war with myself and never want myself to win.
But not today. I am throwing out the excuses and I won’t weigh tomorrow. Yes…I could wait. I could wait and say I would do it later this week. But I have played that game and what happens is my wt will flux up again or something will happen or more excuses will come and then I won’t end up doing it that day and will say no…I will do it Sat. And then Sat comes and I make an excuse and so on and so on. Well…things lined up. My body and God held up their end of the deal…now the ball is in my court. It’s my turn to hold up my end of the deal or to (as I have so many times in the past), throw the ball off the court and say it doesn’t count just yet. To make God, my body, and myself prove themselves to me multiple times instead of just one time like I let ED do. It’s time for an even playing field. One where I can actually win.
So I was fine. Feeling good about not weighing tomorrow because hadn’t really done that many challenges today anyway so what was point of weighing tomorrow? Well…then I got cravings. Scary cravings. And ended up facing mahi-mahi and cantaloupe and a large bagel and more spread. And the freak out began. Still not weighing tomorrow, but felt I owed it to the original purpose of this blog (to show true recovery) to share the thoughts going through my head.
You see I am scared to do these fear foods and then not weigh till Wed because scared it won’t reflect whether they are safe or not. I know it’s silly, but I try fear foods and let weight determine if they are safe depending on if I “balloon” or not…though really it’s never happened. And when it did it was because of something else (ie constipation, water, etc) not the food. But still…idk…weighing is like the payoff. I get excited to weigh on days after do big challenge because get excited to learn the truth (because deep down I know no one food can make you gain).
But ED got a hold of my mind tonight and told me now I had to weigh tomorrow. That if I wait till Wed I will never know how these foods today affected me. Will never know if they are safe. That it would be a waste. That somehow my weight Wed would only reflect Tues intake. That if foods today make me gain, Tues will somehow undo it, and Wed any of the weight would be gone.
But then I have the logical side of me that says that makes no sense. That the only wt changes that happen that fast are flux. That actually weighing Wed is better and looking at wt trend for week is better because takes the issue of flux out. That if any food caused real weight gain, it wouldn’t just go away. I don’t know. So part of me is also writing this asking for answers from my “normies”. Would Wed still reflect the food I ate today and whether it causes weight gain?
I mean I know tons of people who weigh weekly and most nutritionist go by weekly weigh-ins….so if weekly is accurate and reflects 7 days of intake…then Wed would still reflect Mon…right? I don’t know..I am just scared and know it’s ED trying to get me to either always eat safe unless I am weighing, or to weigh tomorrow. And I won’t weigh tomorrow.
Plus..I know if I did weigh tomorrow and didn’t gain ED say just because of spin and would have to wait till Wed to really know. Which is even more confusing. Because then that means Wed does reflect today…ED is so confusing. So ED is saying no Wed isn’t accurate so have to weigh tom. But if I weigh tom it isn’t accurate and have to wait till Wed. So either way I don’t win. Guess only way to win is to wait till Wed…because that help me in recovery. But still need to know if it’s okay to base my judgment on today based on Wed?