Thursday, June 19, 2014

Beauty of Battle Scars...HUGE recovery change

Well tonight had HUGE fight with mom and it was best thing that ever happened. Confused? Let me explain.

The argument was about my ED, mainly the amount of exercise I have been doing. My mom has been on me about it being too much and honestly…I have been questioning it myself, because I have been finding it becoming obsessive and hard to manage. I was getting stressed out about how I would maintain it in grad school, and ED was telling me I had to if I wanted to eat. That the only reason I could eat was because of the exercise I am doing.

Well when my mom questioned me tonight my own fears and everything came to the surface and a yelling match insued. I was trying to get her to understand I don’t do too much using logic that ED had used to trick me. To manipulate me. But she wasn’t having any of it. Eventually everyone stormed off to their own corners and nothing was solved. But I was left feeling like I had just ruined my relationship with my mom and a potential at a huge step in recovery. In bringing down my amount of exercise. Something I wanted, but was too scared to do.

So I did what I knew was right. I swallowed my pride (after two hours of fighting), went upstairs, and told her I was ready to change and asked her what amount she thought was okay. She said just three days of spin a week. And I tried to rationalize with her. Let me explain how HUGE of a change that would be. Currently I am doing 3 days spin, 1 day bodyworks, 1 day cardio, and two other 20 minute strength videos a week. So I would be loosing 2 hours in gym and two sessions of strength. This terrified me and led to another argument. And I stormed off.

Then God spoke to me. He said. What is more important? Exercise or your mom. She is the one paying for your gym membership and she is your mom who you need to respect and love. I realized enough was enough. Only way to respect my mom and not lose gym membership was to agree to 3 days spin per week. I really wanted 1 day of strength, but mom wouldn’t budge. She said if I proved I could be trusted to just do 3 days then maybe in July we add back strength. I am terrified, but I agreed.

And you know what? I feel relief and I feel happy. This seems a lot more doable. I am scared my intake will have to decrease, but I am excited to. ED tells me I can only eat what I am eating now because of the amount of exercise, but part of me wonders if that’s just another lie of his? I mean at one point I was just spinning three days a week….same intake…and maintaining…so…maybe extra exercise didn’t mean a thing. I am not sure. 

All I know is this. There is only one way to find out if exercise is only reason I need this intake. And that’s to do cut down exercise. At first I was pissed she wouldn’t give me the one day strength, but now I am happy. Because now I can work up to more exercise instead of down. And this gives me time to trust my body. To see I do need this food just to have my body function. I am terrified ED will be right and I will need a lot less, but I am willing to take the risk and find out. Because what if he is wrong and I am freed from all that exercise and can just do 3-4 days a week. What seems more normal. Idk…my mind already feels more free. I think the potential to have to lower intake is worth it. Worth the peace. And so worth more time with my mom.

Here’s to discovering the truth…whatever that may be. Sometimes it takes a battle and something bad happening to wake us up. Sometimes feelings have to be hurt. But in the end, I think the battle scars from this argument. The fear I feel and the tears shed…I think they may just become beautiful reminders of a day I took a huge step in recovery. 

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