And I did cry. A lot. It just hit me. I know what I said yesterday...but it hurt. Not having my dad or my grandpa to call...it just it hurts. I know what I said, but the pain just got to be a lot and I broke down. Only getting 4 hours sleep last night probably didn't help. And I'm always emotional on rest days anyway.
So all that said the day sucked. . Really sucked. BUT...I didn't let ED win. Too many Father's Day past I have skipped eating or worked out or let weigh-ins ruin the day. Not today. Last Father's Day I sat and drank water at Cracker Barrel when visiting my grandpa and he said he knew and wished for the day in the future we could go out to eat together. I was so tired because of low blood sugar I couldn't pay attention to the time with him. And then I kept checking the time and wondering when we could leave so I could eat my safe foods. I never knew this would be my last Father's Day with my grandpa and my dad. And I wish I could take it back, but I can't. All I can do is make this one different. Honor them now.
So what did I do? I spent time with family and celebrated with my stepdad. I baked him brownies and he opened his gift and just being with him and my mom...it made it feel more like Father's Day. I had been trying to avoid celebrating the day and it just wasn't working. But when I let myself celebrate and honor my stepdad...it felt right.
First...corn on the cob. My dad was a grill master and any time he grilled, there would be corn on the cob grilled in the husk. Now mine weren't grilled and I didn't take a pic before, but here is what my dad's would have looked like.
Then I had my own kind of brownie with decadent peanut butter flavors I have come to love. And the PB was not weighed! One of the behaviors I was working on not doing.
And then dinner came around and I decided to face brocolli and do a higher cal bread choice. Sorry the bread isn't pictured, I ate it first :p Me and my dad both loved our bread. And how is brocolli related to my dad? Well my dad loved veggies and no matter what there was some kind at every meal. But around the time he died I was only really allowing myself either spinach or raw cabbage slaw. And it was always weighed. But tonight...I really wanted brocolli. And I am no longer weighing veggies (been about two weeks), so I did it. Shaking and terrified but did it! And I can see the smile on my dad's face too especially when he saw I was eating potatoes every day! Bet he would love that.
And then the one that was always planned. That last dining hall bagel. The one I saved just for my papa. Cinnamon Raisin with fat free cream cheese. Love you papa. Thanks for getting me through.