Sunday, June 15, 2014

Honoring my Dad, Finding my Joy

I know what I said yesterday...but was honestly a bad day...or started that way.  Then...God, friends, family and recovery turned things around. Official weigh-in today wasn't good...but ate at 1 AM last night so trying to shrug off. Then got to work and no one was there because manager's overslept, so then had to open the store and it was crazy. Even with all that got treated like shit by manager when she did show up and then half the customer's didn't tip me today and I wasn't even supposed to drive. The car I inherited from dad is acting up and my gas is plummeting. Then got stomach sick today. And ED was yelling whole day.

And I did cry. A lot. It just hit me. I know what I said yesterday...but it hurt. Not having my dad or my grandpa to just it hurts. I know what I said, but the pain just got to be a lot and I broke down. Only getting 4 hours sleep last night probably didn't help. And I'm always emotional on rest days anyway.

So all that said the day sucked. . Really sucked. BUT...I didn't let ED win. Too many Father's Day past I have skipped eating or worked out or let weigh-ins ruin the day. Not today. Last Father's Day I sat and drank water at Cracker Barrel when visiting my grandpa and he said he knew and wished for the day in the future we could go out to eat together. I was so tired because of low blood sugar I couldn't pay attention to the time with him. And then I kept checking the time and wondering when we could leave so I could eat my safe foods. I never knew this would be my last Father's Day with my grandpa and my dad. And I wish I could take it back, but I can't. All I can do is make this one different. Honor them now.

So what did I do? I spent time with family and celebrated with my stepdad. I baked him brownies and he opened his gift and just being with him and my made it feel more like Father's Day. I had been trying to avoid celebrating the day and it just wasn't working. But when I let myself celebrate and honor my felt right.

And I honored my dad too, through fighting ED. In fact, I faced some freedom foods for him today. All in his honor. And you know what? With each freedom food (btw will post new list soon), each bite, each recovery decision...I started to feel happier. And started to face more. And's the end of the night and looking was a pretty good day. There were bad parts, but friends, family, God, and recovery...they made today a good day. Now to share my freedom foods.

First...corn on the cob. My dad was a grill master and any time he grilled, there would be corn on the cob grilled in the husk. Now mine weren't grilled and I didn't take a pic before, but here is what my dad's would have looked like.

Then I had my own kind of brownie with decadent peanut butter flavors I have come to love. And the PB was not weighed! One of the behaviors I was working on not doing. 

And then dinner came around and I decided to face brocolli and do a higher cal bread choice. Sorry the bread isn't pictured, I ate it first :p Me and my dad both loved our bread. And how is brocolli related to my dad? Well my dad loved veggies and no matter what there was some kind at every meal. But around the time he died I was only really allowing myself either spinach or raw cabbage slaw. And it was always weighed. But tonight...I really wanted brocolli. And I am no longer weighing veggies (been about two weeks), so I did it. Shaking and terrified but did it! And I can see the smile on my dad's face too especially when he saw I was eating potatoes every day! Bet he would love that. 

And then the one that was always planned. That last dining hall bagel. The one I saved just for my papa. Cinnamon Raisin with fat free cream cheese. Love you papa. Thanks for getting me through. 

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