Sunday, June 8, 2014

Wanting Accountability...till you get it (need input)

So I am angry even though I am getting what I wanted.  After 21 years my mom is starting to want to hold me accountable to exercise and fear foods. See today my Sat shift which was keeping me from being able to spin on Sat and thus to spin 4 days a week (though I did last week b/c spun tues since wasn’t able to get to gym Sat) got cut. So I got excited. It wasn’t ED excitement, but just general excitement because I could go to Sat AM spin and see the instructor I went to for so long.

Well we decided to start a new thing at home where we post our schedules, because we were all so confused who was doing what when so I put my spin up and my mom flipped out about me going on Sat. She said I needed to drop another day during the week, but I have gotten close with everybody who spins mon/wed/fri and don’t want to leave them. None of it is ED….I just love the people I workout with now. And I was pissed because if I don’t spin Sat I have to do a different exercise, but elliptical and running just make me want to overexercise and I don’t enjoy them. So it’s pissing me off.

And then she asked how I have been doing on fear foods and no…I haven’t been choosing 3-4 to face a week, but I have been facing them…it’s just spur of the moment. Now she wants to bring them back this week, but I am working on those behaviors and don’t want all this stress right now. I tried to explain and then she just got angry.

And I got angry too. I mean, I know I said I wanted accountability, but I also like I don’t know..controlling my own recovery. And I am not ready to do fear foods and change the behaviors and I just don’t know what to do. And then what about spin? I want to spin 4 days a week because that is my preferred exercise…but then again…I won’t be able to do 4 days a week in grad school so maybe I should cut down to 3, but what do I do on the other day. Going to gym with family just seem so boring, but I don’t want to give up a day of exercise either. I just don’t know what to do.

How do I let my mom in? With her anger issues should I? She doesn’t really know my behaviors and if I need a week easier, she isn’t lenient like that. She sees it as lapse and that’s not a reality. Reality is some weeks I can push myself in recovery and others I need to just concentrate on keeping things going. I just don’t know what to do? I am scared for the accountability I guess. I don’t know. Guess be careful what you wish for. 

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