Sunday, June 29, 2014

Future to Fight For

Post now, but will become tab soon :) 

So here is the post I talked about. Sharing the future this is all for. The life I desire and deserve. The one coming together piece by piece all by God and His Grace. So here we go.

But bottom line, writing this out it comes down to this. I don’t want to live my life centered around food and exercise. When I will fit meals in because I have to cook them myself. What foods will be at places I go and how I will get around eating them. Canceling plans to go to gym. Not going anywhere that might involve food because don’t want to be akward one not eating. All things that stole my undergrad years from me

I want to be happy, vibrant, living. Going out when I want, where I want, with who I want. Free from the chains of food and exercise obsession. Free from having to play it safe and live within ED’s confines. I want to live on the edge. Yes…I might get hurt .Yes..I will be scared. But I will be free and will leave grad school with more memories than regrets. I loved undergrad, don’t get me wrong, but because of ED I missed out on so much. That’s why every day I am fighting….because I want my future to be different and my future starts now.

Right around the Corner (aka Grad school) Dreams

  • Roomies: I want to be able to interact with my roomates. To hang out, have movie nights, have fun living with each other. To cook together, laugh together, to become friends. This is going to require getting normal with food, okay with eating with people, and not having food scale with me constantly. I missed out on living with people due to my job in undergrad and now I have the chance and want it to be fun. Like my old roomie had with the girls she eventually moved in with. They were so close and like a little family. They really are the inspiration for what I want with my roomies

  • Socializing: I also know there is a chance I won’t get along with roomies, but I still want to use my first ever apartment to be able to bring friends over. To hang out with people I meet. Heck, to go out to coffee if they want or to go out to eat or to go over to their house without having to worry if there will be food I don’t want to eat. I just want to live life and hang out and be normal without life being centered around food.I see myself going out to coffee, studying together over lunch, going downtown after long day of classes. Going on walks. Just living life with others. Not thinking of meals or snacks or workouts. But concentrating on relationship and fun. Exploring and learning. Living and loving.
  • Assistantship: so I have my lovely assistantship and I think about how our boss might want to take us out to lunch. Or a bunch of us may want to go out to lunch. Or who knows if there would be formal events we have to go to. I don’t want to miss out on bonding with my boss and other important people in the department because there is food. I won’t let food hold me back anymore. But that means getting over the fear of eating out and being without food scale.

  • Dating: I don’t talk about this much but  really really want to date again. ED kind of became my boyfriend and I didn’t date at all in college. Never went out to ever be able to meet anyone and even if I had….was so wrapped up in work and working out would have never been able to invest time into dates. And dates…usually involve food and that just couldn’t have happened.

So what do I see? I see my laughing with friends over drinks at a coffeeshop. Having study picnics on the lawn. Watching movies with my roomies while tossing popcorn at each other. Going to social events and tailgating during football season. Going out to lunch with other grad assistants (only three of us I think). And dating. Going out to dinner with a guy who makes me feel like the center of the world. Cooking together, laughing together, and maybe, just maybe, falling in love. 

When my Wishes are granted (my distant dreams…the ones I wish upon a star for)

This is just purely simple. You all know my dream for my job, but I am not sure how it will look and it's not center of my dream because I don't want it to be the center of my life. For me my dream is centered around dreams of a little girl. A little girl not held back by insecurity or fear. A little girl in love with a man she has never met. 

. He isn’t clean shaven all the time and sometimes let’s his gruffy beard grow. He loves his family, God, and the outdoors. 

We go to church together and on way home go to local shops/farmers markets for our groceries. And then we return to our home. Our nice, quaint, simplistic log house with a big front yard and scenic view. When we approach the house in our hybrid jeep our two dogs (shepherds please) come running to greet us. Faith, the younger one, comes carrying a stick to play fetch with. We smile and laugh and my hubby puts his arm around me and when I look into his eyes he comes in and kisses me. We enjoy cooking together in the evenings and in the afternoon go for walks or bike rides, something outdoors.

And during the weekends and even the week we get up early to watch the sunrise and do bible study together with our coffee. If we need to sleep in or work gets hectic we do this at night watching the sun set. Talking about our day with Faith and our other dog (hubby will name) running in the front yard. Our life is simple. We don’t spend a lot of time going out and being in hustle and bustle of the city, but prefer to be home with each other. Having movie nights, relaxing by the fire place, and enjoying peace. We do hang out with friends though and have game nights and cookouts at our house.

It’s weird I don’t picture a gym or anything like that. I just picture us being with each other but maybe we will go to a gym, I don’t know. I just picture our life as simple and quaint. Especially the weekends. Just relaxing without worry and stress of work.  I know it might sound lonely or boring just being home with each other….but to me that’s perfection. To be so in love with each other, your life is full just being together. It’s my dream and it may be silly. But for me…it’s what I will keep wishing for. Praying for. Fighting for. 

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