Met with new therapist. Trying to get better this summer. What happened? It was horrible.
I spilled out my whole story and was starting to think that I would be working with this therapist. She had worked as a psych tech at one of my previous treatment centers and I remembered liking her I could only afford every other week but figure that be okay. Then I guess her true side came out. And I checked out.
It started at 1st when she said what all too many have said that I probably won’t be able to do this
outpatient. Now…I have never had someone say this on the 1st session without even getting to know me. It sucks to, from the get-go, not be believed in. It frustrated me because she was just going off my history and my weight. Those aren’t me. Yes…I let my weight define me…but deep down…I know I am more than this number and stronger than this number. Yes…I know it is crazy low and deems inpatient treamtnet but I also know for me inpatient and residential don’t work. In fact, she agreed with and understood that. And yet she still said she wasn’t sure I could do it outpatient. Well..where does that leave me?
Then she proceeded to tell me the only way we could work together was if I weekly went to get EKG and labs done, saw her weekly, and saw a dietitian at least twice a month. Here I am working 3 jobs just to be able to afford her every other week and she wants me to find the time and money to do this. I tried to explain, and she wouldn’t budge. Especially not on seeing her every other week even though I only get paid every other week.
It was all so overwhelming and made me feel like if one lab went wrong, or I struggled one time, she would deem me too much to work with and tell me I had to be inpatient. I need someone who believes in me and will be patient with me. I know I need a good team, and I just feel lost finding one.
And the final straw..the one that pushed me over the edge. She told me if the grad school I am waiting to hear about assistantship gets one look at me they will send me home and take away my assistantship. That hurt. That was uncalled for. And that made me completely shut off.
I left devastated and defeated and wondering what the point was anymore. I would never recover outpatient and inpatient/residential wasn’t an option. I felt like giving up. Then I came home and my amazing mom spoke life back into me. She made me realize maybe I am going through all this as part of my calling to this field.
I have experienced firsthand the pain and frustration of being at an inpatient weight, yet needing outpatient care to have any chance of real recovery. To be judged by your weight/appearance by a therapist is just wrong. To be told you are too sick for outpatient just off a weight, but then be told it is true that inpatient/residential doesn’t seem to work leaves you to wonder what your option is? I need someone outpatient who says, it might not be easy…but I think if you really want this you can do it. The problem is most outpatient people won’t even give me the time of day. I want help, yet I am being denied help because of the help I need. Make any sense? Exactly…it doesn’t. How am I to get to a better weight without treatment? It’s just wrong to be denied even a chance just because of your weight.
And the most frustrating part. I am at a better place mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and motivationally than I have ever been. Back when I was at an outpatient weight and could see whoever I wanted I wasn’t ready whatsoever. People say you need to hit your rock bottom and I have. Yet now that I hit it I can’t get help.
It’s just wrong. And I think it is one of the places the Lord wants me to help fix in treating eating disorders. Allowing everyone to have a chance. Yes…take precautions with more “worrisome” cases. But don’t deny them off first go. Don’t judge them based off their weight and then tell them to not judge themselves on that weight. And DO NOT tell them they can’t recover outpatient.
I don’t know what to say and I don’t know what I am going to do. I just feel hurt, lost, and confused. I try to reach out for help, but then am told I need too much help so I can’t get any. This isn’t right. It isn’t fair. And it leaves me feeling like I have to do this on my own. Any words of encouragement be helpful. And prayers…those are needed too. Especially since now I am terrified everyone at the grad school is going to judge me and send me home. Just another anxiety I don’t need.
I am thinking of just going to a dietitian and leaving therapy for later but I don't even know if that is the answer. Just gonna take time to pray and think. Wait on grad school decision...then decide.