So I took a tiny bite of the cookie earlier and a smile broke across my face. It really tasted good. Like the childhood I never got to have. But ED started firing off telling me to stop. And at that moment I did. I took a little break and saved the rest for after dinner.
Well, I just got back from dinner and ED was screaming. Loud screaming. Anyone live near railroad tracks? You know how loud it is when they blare their horn? That was ED's whisper. But I pushed through. Tears welling up in my eyes I reached for the drawer I stashed my Santa in.
There his jolly smile was looking back at me. I could almost see the twinkle in his eyes. It was just enough to get me to unwrap and eat his little booties. The first bite was the hardest but something strange happened. As soon as I bit in and swallowed...there was silence. ED stopped. Perhaps stunned by the fact I was eating this cookie.
Didn't stop there either. As I continued through the cookie a weird thing happened. My true voice got louder...and with anger. Basically I'm done. At least for tonight I'm done with my eating disorder and its games. I have commited 14 years of my life to protecting the bastard I call ED and its enough. He has kept me from joy and peace and the innocent happiness of enjoying a jolly cookie.
What do I have to show for my commitment? For my protection of the ED I have grown dependent on? I have medical problems I will be on medication for the rest of my life. A letter from the University Health Center deeming me too medically unstable for their services. Letter from doctor after doctor telling me I am a case to give up on....that I will never beat this. And a heart shattered by the abusive words of my ED himself. And you know what I'm done.
So tonight jolly ole' St. Nick cookie had to lose his sugary life to this cookie warrior, because ED...it's time for him to leave. And you know what...I do feel a little guilt right now. But I feel the guilt with a smile on my face, because I get to tell you all I finished my cookie and tomorrow my nutritionist will have a lovely e-mail in her inbox telling her the same. And I feel proud about that. Because tonight I chose me and said screw you ED...and you know what...after 14 years that feels good :)
Who else is ready to break the bond to ED and seal our bond to our future, to our true selves, to freedom?