I am so sorry I have been away but honestly these past few days have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me.
Christmas day was the best one I have had in a while, until the drive home. It was raining and we were driving down the interstate when the car in front of us smashed into a stalled car, going from 75 mph to 0 on impact. This caused my stepdad to have to swerve to miss it, propelling our car towards the side median, but then hydroplaning and a jerk of the wheel caused us to swerve back onto the lane. A glance to the side showed me the devestation of the wreck we witnessed....the cars were smashed. We missed being added to the destruction by 1/4 inch. Had we collided with the car, had someone been in the lane next to us, had the car not gotten back in the lane and collided into the median....we all would have been dead or severely injured. In fact, the collision we were so close to was so bad that a piece of one of the cars headlights was impaled into our car when we got home after 30 more minutes on the interstate. To be so close to death....it had everyone in my family shaken up.
We didn't get home till late and my stomach was so upset from the shock of what just happened, that I didn't meet my meal plan. This of course made the following day rough and that was also my 1st night back with my dad and my PTSD was extreme and horrid. Today has been a little better, but I am still in shock about the wreck from two days ago, and my body is still messed up from my Christmas restriction. So I have been taking the past few days to reflect before I came back online.
I am also crazy busy getting ready to get back to school, but once I am back on Jan 1st, trust me there will be more posts. I want to posts my struggles too, but these past two days...I have been in no mood to be on a blog. But I do have a little tiny blurb today.
One moment could change it all
All I have been able to think about these past few days is how that one car ride could have been my last. I started to think of how I would look back on my life. I know I would regret not letting myself enjoy a treat at the xmas get together (silly but true). I would have wished to spend more time with my family. I would have wanted to have been able to graduate. I would have wanted to be able to run one of my races, to raise a guide dog, to ride a horse one last time, to spend more time trying to heal me and my dad's relationship, to have not been so consumed by food.
You want to know what never made my regret list? Anything about my weight or shape. I think it's funny that my shape and body...they didn't matter in that instant I almost lost my life or in the reflection of that fact in the past few days. Yet when I act in my ED...it's framing my whole life around the way I look and how much I weigh. But that's not life....that isn't even an aspect of living. Living is about experiences, relationships, emotions, success, loss, triumphs, lessons learned. It's not about a body, it's not about a weight, it's not about food. It's about living and experiencing.
This ED has taken that away from me. I don't want to be around people because it wants me to hide. My self-doubt and perfectionism have kept me from trying new things. The health status it has me at keeps me from doing the things I want and the activities I love. But if I let go of the ED, as scary as that is....I can experience life again. I can heal relationships, find new ones, and get to the health status that I can do anything and everything my heart desires.
It's sad that this wreck had to shock me into realizing my ED has taken the life from me that I want to live. That if I were to die today...I would leave this world with so much regret and all of it would be tied to the regret of not fighting harder to overcome this disorder. Of letting tiny fears (that seem monumental) stand in the way. Of not utilizing the team and resources I am blessed with.
But I can change that. I can change the way my life is headed. I can make it so when God is ready to take me home I can look back and say.."Not too shabby Jess. Way to kick ass." I can have God look at me and say "Good job my faithful servant." I can really rest in peace instead of regret. How? By making every day a precious one. Realizing each day is a blessing and using it to help me towards recovery and towards experiencing life once again. I want to stop living my life thinking....oh I will just do that tomorrow, it's okay to slip today because I will fix it tomorrow, I will wait till my N appt or therapy to fix that. I want to live it thinking...."Today is a gift God has given me. I am going to use it to glorify him, make myself stronger, kick ED's ass, and get one step closer to the future I am dreaming of. I am going to use today to experience life, to enjoy the ride, to help others, and to try something new. I will treat today like the gift it is...going through with the excitement each new moment will bring."
Sorry for the strange post...just needed to get it out there. I am still very lost with my motivation these past few days, but I am fighting and hopeful it will come back. Please bear with me and know I will be writing more very soon. I need to practice what I've preached. I need to stop looking back sad at where my ED has brought me....at the fact that I have so many regrets....and instead focus on the fact that I was saved. That God spared me and protected me that night. That I was granted a tomorrow, and that I can use the gift I have been given to change all of that. Starting now I can live the life I won't regret...the life my God desires for me....the life I deserve to live.