Silence is Golden

So I don't really have time to post right now, but I need to get these thoughts out of my head, because I need silence. This is about to be a real honest post about a currently in progress struggle. That's why I am blogging...I need the voices out of my head and onto paper..I need silence.

So I had nutritionist session today and it was good though I didn't get meal plan decreases like I wanted (and always tried for). Also wanted to weigh today, but fate intervened and I didn't get to. Then went to a bund of study sessions and finally made it to lunch...that's where I was greeted with a lovely smiling Santa cookie....

Don't let his innocent smile fool you...this is one evil santa. You see...my body craved this cookie (well not this specific one, but the one at my dining hall). I haven't let it have one since I was probably 7 or 8. And for some reason...today of all days....it couldn't help but sneak one out of the dining hall. 

Alrighty...that's fine...I could still throw it out. ED was cooperating with me sneaking it out...but then my brain ventured to the land of recovery. And started to think....hmmm...maybe I could have this as my mandatory Triumph Treat (this is part of my meal plan I will talk about next week). Oh....did the fireworks go off then. ED started shouting how I don't know nor do I have access to the calorie or fat numbers for this cookie and thus it cannot go in my body. If I eat it...well tomorrow I will be huge. And plus I am fighting really hard with not restricting the portions of my food and today I had done good so I didn't need to push myself any further. And today wasn't a workout day so I can't justify this treat at all. 

But that little girl in me...the one who wishes she had a childhood where these cookies were there. Where there was a smiling face like this to greet her at least once. She just wants me to eat the cookie. She wants me to be free and stop letting the darkness of my past cloud my future. And I really want to listen to her I do. But I'm just so scared. 

And so damn frustrated. Why the hell am I still scared of a cookie. It's a damn cookie. One cookie this one day...that's it. It's not a killer bee hive or anything..it's a cookie. It's a cookie others in the dining hall were eating just fine. And here I am and for the past 3 hours have been freaking out about eating it and surfing the web trying to find the calorie counts. Seriously...its finals...I don't have time for this and need to just eat the dang cookie.

So it's time to muster up some serious courage. Support texts are out (I can talk about these next week too), both nutritionist and therapist have been contacted (nutritionist told me to do it), and I am just looking for outside motivation. And thus, here I am. 

I am going to do this cookie for you all. For my readers. I am going to have the courage to step out on a limb here and branch out so you all know when times  like this come, you can do it too. I am going to eat this cookie because the crazy weight gain ED is telling me will happen will only be temporary, but the freedom...it will last a lifetime (or at least until the next cookie comes along). I am going to eat this cookie for my christmas angel, a complete stranger who is believing and investing in my recovery. Geez I will do this damn cookie and just curse my N (how I abbreviate nutritionist) for telling me I need to do it. Okay....deep breathe, exhale...here we go...