So something I have really struggled with of late is feeling like an utter screw-up. A complete and total failure. The reason: I have been to treatment 10 times and have yet to fully recover. Here I am trying to do it outpatient, and I still struggle. I feel like people are looking at me wondering: "Is she ever going to recover?" I've even had doctors tell my parents I never will because I have had the disorder too long.
I've also started to wonder why the heck I was put on this earth and if in fact God looks at me as a failure. It's one of the reasons I struggled with rather to continue this blog. I started thinking about it and thought....whose gonna read a blog by a person struggling with an eating disorder? I'm just an ordinary person, my blog will never make the difference I want it to. I will never impact lives like I want to....I'm just a failed life.
But God has started to put something on my heart. The other day as I was realizing that I am writing a blog that is helping people, that I may be pioneering a Master's program at my school in the human-animal bond and its impact on people with addictions, and that my current position as a resident assistant has me impacted lives I wondered...why me?
Why has God chosen me? When he started to put on my heart the idea of this blog and the idea of human-animal bond studies (a big leap from what I thought was my destiny of becoming a veterinarian) I told Him He had the wrong girl. Didn't He know who I was? I was the girl who had failed at recovery. I was the girl who turned my back on Him for years. I was the girl who some days struggled till 2 pm to start her meal plan. And you know the response I got...."I know. I knitted you in the womb and I know your heart better than even you do. I also know your capabilities, your struggles, and My desires for your life. What you see as flaws, I see as gifts. What you see as mistakes, I see as opportunities to teach others. I see the truth, and you see what the world tells you. Listen to Me, to My ways, and you will begin to see the beauty in who you are...who I designed you to be. You are my child, I have a plan for you, and you are beautiful."
Wow! The God of the Universe has a plan for me and for what I see as mistakes. And the same goes for you all. I think that's why He wants me to write this, because someone needs to read it. God knows you. He knows you more than you know you. He hand-crafted you for a purpose you can't even imagine. The limits you put on your capabilities He wants to blow through. He does not see, nor does he regret your past. He knows your past, and your struggles, and He will use them to make you strong.
You are not a mistake. You are a beautiful creation with a future to take hold of. Every part of you is there for a reason. Your shape was hand crafted by the same God who carved out the Andes. You face was hand painted by the same God who puts the stars in the beautiful night sky. And your struggles, they are there so you can make triumphs....triumphs that will impact more people than you even know.
So I guess that's what God wanted me to share. And now it's back to studying. But first, my question. I was thinking something that may be helpful with the creation of my Freedom Foods Fridays is if I got some companies to send me some Freedom Food samples...I figure spur of the moment treats are obviously something I need to work on. But I am at a loss for what kinds of treats there are out there. So if any of you have any Freedom Foods you want to face, or companies of ones you have faced, or anything like that...well let me know. I will see if the company can send some and then maybe we can do them together? So anyone with any ideas let me know.
Back to the books.