Saturday, December 1, 2012

Fear of.....freedom?

Late last night I made yet another discovery (I know...when my recovery mind gets cranking, it gets cranking). I started thinking about how I am still struggling with skimping especially with my mandatory new york style bagel (gotta love how my nutritionist likes me to get over fears). Basically I am scared if I have the whole thing I will gain a bunch of weight. But here's the thing. Before thanksgiving I did great with my portions and guess what...nothing happened.

But then I went home, struggled, gained weight while struggling, came back to school, got back on track (though still struggle with portions), and lost that weight I gained (reassured it was water weight protection by body). And now I am still skimping. So I started to wonder...why did I let my freedom slip away? Why didn't I hold onto the realization that eating my portions doesn't cause weight gain? Why did I let the lies come creeping back in?

Then there is the other side of this. I have a scale back and am weighing why not take this time to test the hypothesis. How will I ever know if my lies are true unless I test them? How will I know if getting portions will cause out of control gain unless I try it? I don't. I am just blindly assuming something. Here I am a science person avoiding the very base of and experimentation.

But yet I did experiment. I had the week where I did portions and bagels and what happened...nothing. In fact I lost a little why didn't I abandon my fear? Why do I keep giving into it instead of fighting it and seeing what happens? I have begun to wonder if perhaps its not the food I fear, but the freedom.

Perhaps these fears of foods are there to keep me from true freedom because I fear realizing the truth that my meal plan can be trusted. That my body can be trusted. That I don't have to focus and control food. That the chains that have been around me can broken.

If I truly wanted this freedom. If I truly wanted to be free of this disorder and the torment it brings, I would test these lies and (most likely) discover that's all they are...lies. Yet, I don't. I just keep skimping to see what that does...if it prevents me from ballooning. But that's not how experimentation have to test both sides. I have to see what happens if I don't skimp and actually give in.

I honestly think I am scared to discover I can trust food, because that means my whole life I have been living a lie. My whole life has been about controlling food..I've had a disorder since I was 6 that was centered around this idea. So if I find out food doesn't have to be controlled...what does that say about my past? Was it all just a waste? Looking in the past is where the fear comes from.

But then if I find out I don't have to control food...what does that say for my future? That I can be free. That I can put my energy into my passion for helping people with addictions. That I can have enough free space in my mind and heart to find that special someone. That I can have the health it takes to have kids. The future seems so much brighter.

So I will have to step out in fear. I mean the reality is if I give in to freedom and spend a few days just doing my portions and I gain a little too much, my meal plan will be adapted and it won't be forever. Plus, the other fact is I AM ON WEIGHT all these actions I take to stop weight gain are futile. All that happens is my weight drops,  meal plan increases, the urges to restrict and cut portions get more intense, I eventually confess everything I'm doing, my N changes my meal plan so I can start over, I do good for a bit, fear comes back, I skimp, and cycle starts again. I am so freaking tired of it.

If I just give in, let this weight gain happen, don't skimp...then I have a chance at freedom. If I keep going the way I am...I just have a chance of dying or going back inpatient. I think I fear those two things a little more than freedom. So I am going to take this new mindset with me today. That I am just experimenting....that I am testing whether my lies are lies. Just a few days, doing my plan, no skimping, and we will see what happens. If I balloon, then the lies aren't lies and I go back to what I'm doing (or wait and get meal plan decreased--probably better option here), but if I discover I can not skimp and just gain at a reasonable rate...then I will have a little freedom and just see if its as scary as I think.

I would have never realized that rollercoasters are freaking amazing and not something to fear, had I never stepped out with courage and rode one (yes it took me till I was 15 but hey whatever). Now I absolutely love them. I would have never realized pit bulls are loveable, not something to be feared had I not worked with they are my favorite breed. And now I will never know true freedom from food and that it is not something to be feared or controlled unless I try some time not controlling it, just doing my meal plan....perhaps then I will realized food is just a part of life and life is something to love.

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