Had today nice and planned out..nothing too hard, just a nice easy day. Then I decided to have the lovely idea of hanging out with a friend and she remembered how we always used to go out for fro-yo (something I used to be okay with). So we decided that's what we would do.
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| One day I will look at fro yo this way again |
Well ED wasn't having any of that. My mind started racing about how I didn't workout today and had another freedom food planned. It started trying to concoct ways to do my plan while conserving some extra calories in case I went over for my Triumph Treat of fro-yo (once again my mind tells me my cals are a max not a minimum). All of the fear caused me to skip doing a snack in the morning and delay lunch. Not because I wasn't hungry, but because I could then push snack till after dinner and decided whether to do it based on my "behavior" at the fro-yo shop aka whether I stayed within the calorie limits.
Well then some tummy cramps, traffic, and nausea kept me from doing my late afternoon snack but again I justified this as being a good back up for fro-yo. Since I was stuck out I ended up having to pick dinner up (totally not planned) and having to face non low-sodium soup (thanks Kroger for deciding to run out tonight). This got my head spinning again about doing two challenges in a day.
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| Yes...fate will tell you when you are strong enough to do challenges |
First instinct...blame the plan and my nutritionist. It's their fault I had to leave to come home and eat (let's not get started on how ED feels about that). But right when I was about to blame them...I realized it wasn't their fault. My plan is structured so I only have one or two snacks at night, but I decided to delay those snacks. My plan is designed so I have minimum calorie limits I decided to make them maximums. My body sent me hunger to tell me to stick to my plan I decided to not listen to the hunger. So my nutritionist, my plan, and my body aren't to blame....it's me and my ED. Actually it's mostly my ED, but I listened to it.
So there's only one thing to do. I don't need to punish my body or tell the plan to F*** off and screw it for the night. I need to be an adult and be responsible for my actions. I need to rewrite the wrongs and apologize to my body. So I am gonna combine some of my exchanges, make a mega shake, and get all these snacks in. Why? Because I am the one that made this wrong choices and I am the one who can make them right.
So when it seems your meal plan is to blame, take a look at your part in the dilemma. Own up to your actions, but don't wallow in your mistakes and go down the road of self-hate (ED will use this to his advantage). Instead breathe, forgive yourself, and start over. If you can undo your wrongs, if you can't undo the wrongs then do the next right thing. Claim your mistakes and claim the victory of starting over. One moment, one meal, and tonight...each snack at a time.
Aww hun it makes me sad to see that you had a rough day! I think its really great though how you really dissected what happened and are taking steps to make it right, though. For me, I have a hard time looking back and seeing the faults in my justifications of things. Like I just pretend that it never was my fault at all and just move on, which ends up making me slip, and then slip a little more, and then next thing you know, I'm back at square one. So I am just super impressed that you were able to look back on your logic and right it, and that you decided to have a mega shake to make up on calories!! That is so stinkin' amazing and I am just really inspired. Keep up the great work!!
ReplyDeletexox Gemma