Well I am sad to say this is the last past of our lovely Recovery Week. Thanks Kati Anne for the great topic idea. Anybody else have anything they want to know more about just give me a shout below or at my e-mail. jess.freedomhunger at gmail dot com.
Alrighty...so I figured we would finish with a topic that has had the biggest impact in my recovery: my faith. This isn't a post to try and convert you to any religion or to force my beliefs on others, just thought I would share how my higher power has provided me with the strength to fight on the days I want to give up. So let's get started.
Acceptance of Me
The first thing God spoke to my heart was on the night I was saved: Aug 24th, 2011. The service was a story from the Bible about the Prodigal Son. I can't quote it directly, but basically this father has two sons, one goes out and parties and breaks all the rules and what happens when he decides to return home after a long time away doing this "sinful" acts....his father stands there with open arms and throws a celebration of his return...not mentioning anything of where he had been or done.
My eyes filled with tears as God spoke to me that is how he sees me, how he sees us all. He does not look at our past or judge us in any way. When we come to Him, He is standing there, arms wide open, ready to embrace us, hold us, and lead us on the path to our future. On the days I feel like a screw-up, that I just want to give up because I slipped, I close my eyes and picture my Father at the end of a field, arms wide open, ready for me to run to His arms and celebrate recovery with Him. Many times, this visual pulls me through. No matter what it helps me accept myself and my past, and now the I am loved. That no matter what I have done, no matter what I do....God will be there ready to embrace me in His arms.
Christ in Control
A big role my faith plays in my recovery is providing me with the strength to fight and overcome this disorder. Actually, it lets me know I don't have to be strong enough, on the days I feel like giving up the fight...well, I can. I don't have to be in control, in fact there is someone who is better to have control: God. All I have to do is turn my day over to God, follow His lead, what He puts on my heart. No decisions for me to make, just blindly follow His lead.
I don't mean this is easy, but its easier. I stop making the decisions and turn the day over to God. I stop trying to make decisions and just follow my heart....what God calls me to do. Sometimes this makes days I feel like giving up become days I face freedom foods, but throughout it all and the anxiety it may bring I tell myself God is in control, that He will keep me safe. For in the Bible (Jeremiah 29:11) it says: "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you...'" So no matter what I know what God is calling me to do is right. That He won't let me balloon or let any of the fears in my mind become reality. Nothing that will hurt me will happen, just what we lead me to the prosperous life.
Ballooning is Impossible not Inevitable
My biggest fear with normal eating is that I will balloon..that my weight will increase crazy amounts and non-stop. I know this is a fear a lot of people with eating disorders have. Granted, in the past 1.5 years I've been doing this outpatient...I have yet to balloon. But the fear is still there and now I use my faith to overcome it.
Think of it. God doesn't have the sun rise and fall rapidly...for it to go from light to dark in the blink of an eye would be a hard adjustment for everyone. Imagine it being the bright time of noon and then you blink and its midnight. God doesn't allow that to happen. So He won't let my body go from underweight one second to overweight the next. He knows my fears and knows how detrimental to my mental healthy rapid weight gain would be. So why would he do anything to harm me?
Why would the God who sent His ONLY SON to die for me, who watched Him shed His blood and be beaten and bloodied for me, the God who loved me so much to do that...why would He do something to hurt me mentally? Why would He let my body go out of control, when He knows I need to learn to trust my body? Answer: He won't. And He is so capable of controlling my weight and making it increase only at the rate I can tolerate. Nothing extreme, just slow and steady, coming as my health and my mental side needs.
This knowledge and faith.....it has been extraordinary. It's become an easy way to shut ED up when He is saying I will balloon. When I am eating a freedom food and my head is screaming that I will balloon, I think...who is in more control...this food or my God. The answer is always my God. It seems simple, but for me it works.
A Beautiful Creation
One other lesson God has begun to teach me...and I am beginning to accept is that He handcrafted me and knitted me in the womb. Every part of me...my shape, my hair, my freckles, everything....was put there for a reason. I am made unique by the God of the universe who hand makes every unique snowflake that falls in a December flurry. Who makes each ray on the sun shine so bright. That God has handmade me. So how could I ever think I'm anything less than beautiful.
I easily go on my walks outside and see the beauty of the world without straining. I see the beauty in the squirrels others find annoying. In the imperfections that allow unique formations of clouds and twisted vines of trees. But the same God that made these things.....He made me. Therefore...I must be at least as beautiful as these things.
This has helped me to stop myself from speaking such negativity over myself and instead begin to celebrate the uniqueness of my creation. The time it took for God to handcraft me and make me who I am. From the outside to the inside. From my shape to my soul. All are handcrafted by God for a purpose and I have begun to accept and rejoice in that. It's a process...but it's beginning.
So much more
These are just some of the lessons God is teaching me. But honestly its just amazing to have a non-judgmental God to turn to in days I feel like giving in. A God who wants relationship with me. Who wants to take this burden of a disorder from me. Who wants to walk this path of recovery with me every step of the way.
I am so ready for what the next year with my God will bring. What lessons He will teach me, dreams He will reveal, and victories He will bring. I thank Him for this blog, for His love, and for the recovery He has begun to let me see. I love my Father and if you want to know more about Him and His love...feel free to ask me or close your eyes, open your heart, and ask Him. He is waiting, willing, and excited to listen.